Guessing Who Will Win 'Love Island' 2021, Based On First Impressions Alone

Twin Peaks voice It Is Happening Again.

22 June 2021, 11:02am

This article is part of Live, Laugh, Love Island, a series gearing up to Love Island’s long awaited summer 2021 return.

History dictates, pretty reliably, that winning Love Island couples contain at least one person from the original line-up of Islanders. By this point, we also have a fairly good idea of the characteristics it takes to win: if you are a man, you have to be funny; if you are a woman, you have to show vulnerability. Also both of you should have a strong regional accent, with Essex statistically preferred. 

With these certainties in mind, join me as I gaze into my crystal ball and foresee the fate of the newest batch of people ITV have deemed I am to spend every waking hour of the next two months thinking about.

(I would also just like to say that I have guessed this correctly before, using the exact same method of “judging people by their photos”, and also I once got the winner of Bake Off right. Not to brag or anything. But also to brag.)

SHARON, 25

Sharon / Image courtesy of ITV

Following in the footsteps of the great Zara “YOU CAAAAAAAAAN” McDermott, Sharon is a civil servant with a very impressive-sounding job title, proving that Love Island takes all sorts (as long as you’re a 10/10 with perfect, face-framing highlights and the body of an advert).

Sharon describes herself as the “outrageous” one out of her mates. I hope this proves to be less “oh my god girls they’re playing “No Scrubs”!!!!! Get a video of me dancing on this table for Stories!!! I’m absolutely mad, me!!!” and more “I’m going to have a stand-up row in a restaurant with a man I’ve been on three dates with, before going to the club by myself to do body-shots out of a barman’s belly button,” but we’ll see. 

AARON, 24

Aaron / Image courtesy of ITV

To me, Aaron is immediately extremely funny, because in his pre-show interview he notes that he works in events, which have included royal weddings, by saying: “Yeah, Eugenie and Beatrice's over the summer. I hosted and chatted. It was nice and intimate. Everyone's chill.”

I have a sense that Aaron might be this year’s best name-dropper, which is always a valuable trait for an Islander to have. I can see it now: Aaron in the outdoor gym, doing lat extensions, telling the lads: “Yeah, just hosted and chatted. The Queen? Proper sweet lady. Really great vibe in the room.”

LIBERTY, 21

Liberty / Image courtesy of ITV

As a Birmingham native, I can not speak without bias, but what I can say with confidence is: I would die for Liberty.

In the UK, opinion seems to slowly be shifting towards the Midlands, and Birmingham in particular, being Not That Bad Actually – it’s a scientific phenomenon I will call “The Grealish Effect” – though a lot of this newfound goodwill could be at stake here.

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Like, if Liberty puts in a shit performance, we could be consigned to “Worst Accent in the UK” status forever, when really we deserve a Liverpool-esque renaissance. Although, I would say that simply by calling herself a “girls’ girl” in her pre-show interview, she has made an astonishing start.

HUGO, 24

Hugo / Image courtesy of ITV

Perhaps Hugo will be the person to flip the trend of posh men generally not doing brilliantly on this show (see: Ollie Williams of “leaving the Winter Love Island villa after two days because I realised I love my ex-girlfriend’ infamy).

I could see it happening. As a PE teacher, he’s probably used to dealing with people with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old (usually known as “14-year-olds”, but a description that can also be extended to “men who go on Love Island”), which feels like an important energy for Islanders to bring. 

SHANNON, 22

Shannon / Image courtesy of ITV

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a balayage this powerful in my life (like, I want to ask for a photo with this colour job. Who is doing your foils, Shannon?), and it should be acknowledged that in getting a graduated colour treatment like this pre-show, Shannon is not playing any games with her roots or regrowth, and clearly intends to be in the villa for the long haul, with her hair looking amazing the whole time. A strategist!

JAKE, 24

Jake / Image courtesy of ITV

This guy. Every year there is someone who is just the absolute pure essence of Love Island, and this year it is Jake, 24, water engineer from Weston-super-Mare. You can already hear Iain Stirling narrating his every move. I can see him, clear as anything, in two weeks time, wearing a BoohooMAN polo shirt that his pecs threaten to rip clean in half, re-coupling with a blonde by telling everyone, “She’s just well nice.” 

Jake feels inherently Of The Villa because everything we know of him so far is pure chaos. In the promo clip, he announces that he has a foot fetish in the manner that most people might say, “I’m quite into the football.” In his pre-show interview, he says of the time he DM’d his dream woman, Billie Faiers: “I think for a laugh once, with the boys, I messaged her. I can't remember what I messaged her. She’s a lady, she’s just lush.”

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I don’t even need to see him in action to know that his future ITVBe career simply sparkles with possibility. 

KAZ, 26

Kaz / Image courtesy of ITV

Kaz is already a fashion blogger, so I’m very much hoping she takes the Molly-Mae approach and essentially just uses the airtime to showcase the fact she has better style than everyone else (I am fully expecting this woman to have me contemplating buying her entire bikini wardrobe, even though the last time I went in water was last August), before returning to £500,000 worth of brand deals and 3 million Instagram followers. 

BRAD, 26

Brad / Image courtesy of ITV

On one hand he describes his celebrity crush as “Megan Fox”, which: yeah mate, and water is wet. On the other, he did the below face in his promo VT for a show about being hot, so honestly quite hard to judge:

Screenshot via Love Island on Twitter

CHLOE, 25

Chloe / Image courtesy of ITV

The only immovable fact in this life is that every year on Love Island there is a blonde lady who describes herself as “bubbly”, and open-heartedly embraces the leopard print bikini.

Of course, these women each contain multitudes, and Chloe feels like an especially good iteration of this hallowed genre of contestant, because when asked about her ideal man she states – in a manner I hope was totally stoic – “I like a good build.”

This type of directness will get her far in the villa. 

TOBY, 22

Toby / Image courtesy of ITV

Toby might well get the prize for Best Love Island Promo Photo Outfit Ever (I imagine it’s actually quite hard to pick out some nice swim shorts from what you’re given by wardrobe in the middle of a freezing television studio near Slough), so I look forward to what he does with the array of cool little round sunglasses that get shipped into the villa every week.

FAYE, 26

Faye / Image courtesy of ITV

Similarly to Brad, Faye is giving me a story of two halves. She’s very much a full on estate agent, but she is also very much someone who said, “I want someone who’s going to rip me a new arsehole” in her promo video.

Though the obvious point of comparison is Laura Anderson, who she very much resembles, Faye actually gives me big Olivia Attwood-esque “would be amazing at the smoking pit after a wine and an argument with a personal trainer who pies her in week two” vibes, so I hope ITV take notice and give this woman the stage she deserves. 

WHO WILL WIN?

It’s Jake’s to lose, and if he couples up with Shannon I will expire of sheer bliss.

@hiyalauren

Tagged:

TV, Love Island

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