Have you ever had an orgasm while standing up? It’s the sex equivalent of patting your head whilst rubbing your belly. So, possible, but tricky. Like all things that are hard, yet totally worth it, it takes practice! Especially if you’re in the shower, which is not the most comfortable place to get off by yourself, let alone with other person(s)—despite how alluring all that merporn makes it seem. “Of course people are into it, given the warm water, the steaminess, the naked bodies in a tight space,” explains writer Anna Pulley about how to have sex in the shower, “[But] it can also be cold, awk, and even dangerous.” That’s why Pulley sought the shower sex wisdom of sometimes-aquatic porn performer Jizz Lee, who stressed that, first things first, you have to make sure your shower setup can handle all of your gyrating.
Turns out, the best stuff for getting nasty in la douche are everyday items like tacky, no-slip bath mats that you can throw in the washing machine, and a metal curtain rod that is drilled—not suctioned—into the wall. Buy an extra long, luxury showerhead with pulsing features from brands such as AquaDance (great at moonlighting as a temperature-play vibrator). Your clitoris and your scalp will thank you—but remember that water is a crap lubricant (go for a silicone lube, and please don’t slip), and soap is a no-go on vaginas, unless you want to funk up your vaginal pH. Hell, you could even buy a shower bench or chair, per Lee’s advice, to use if you’re bent over or receiving oral sex. (Also, it just sounds nice to have for shaving your legs??)
Now, for the sex toys [pumps lube thrice], which are easier to bring into the shower than, say, another human—but not always ideal for getting wet. (Check that label, and make sure it’s submersible.) And, once again, despite water literally being the preferred lube of Mother Earth, vaginal penetration can be painful when H20 is the lube. Instead, try external vibrators that target clitoral stimulation, palm vibrators that can be placed on erogenous zones, and a textured, waterproof “starfish” that you can rub all over your anus while sitting down safely.
Finally, you’re ready for les dildos: the prostate massagers, plugs, and everything else that can get wet from Lovehoney and Adam & Eve. PLEASE: Go cordless, because that’s not how your movie ends. We’re staying alive and orgasming, so aim for well-designed toys that aren’t too heavy, by luxury brands including LELO and Dame—the latter makes a finger vibrator, for example, that will feel like a lighter-than-air, self-pleasure bonus finger.
Have fun in your horny Atlantis, but just remember: You are a hot sloth. Slow is smooth, and smooth is best when it comes to sex and masturbation in the shower. Now, squirt on.
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