I believe in taking care of myself. That’s why every day, I apply a cooling jade face roller to my eye contours as I make my morning smoothie with my new favorite, over-the-top beauty product: the Agent Nateur Holi (Mane) hair, skin, and nails supplement.
Agent Nateur’s Holi Mane powder contains crushed pearls and collagen from kosher, wild-caught fish, and it's the hot girl’s way to enlightenment (or so I’ve heard). If you’re wondering how I suddenly found the fountain of youth (or Narcissus’ pond), it was during my conversation with Esther Povitsky, Jane Goodall of hot girls, who introduced the concept of ingesting pearls to me after receiving recommendations for this powder from her group text of alarmingly beautiful LA friends, and I felt the primal urge to try it for myself, after she deemed Agent Nateur “the ultimate fairy girl brand.” The jury’s still out on whether or not ingesting collagen is actually beneficial, but people have been taking pearl powder for ages—including celebrities such as supermodel Carolyn Murphy—and you can’t argue with the rich, hot results.
It’s amazing what a half-brown banana, some frozen organic blueberries, and a bunch of magical dusts can do for your self-esteem. Did you wake up and ingest a glass of lemon-chlorophyll water, while making said beauty elixir and focusing on your intentions for the day? Didn’t think so. Are you jealous? It doesn't matter, because now that I've been drinking real, actual pearls every morning, I ~know~ you are.
Putting aside the potential benefits of its contents, it just makes me feel… elite. Plus, I recently found out the “borrowed Vitamix” my roommate left me while she travels the world on a tech salary is the fanciest one you can buy, which might be contributing to my recent air of excellence. The deadly confidence-boosting combo has also led to feelings of inflated self-worth, and has been causing me to act superior to those still mushing up their non-pearl-infused smoothies in half-rate blenders. (Very sad.)
Now, I’m not sure how much of this can be directly attributed to the magic pearl powder, but suddenly, everyone is noticing how hot I am, all at once, and it’s like woah guys, calm down. It's me. I’ve been here the whole time… (I just [shrugs] took off my glasses and took out my ponytail.) Yes, my life is incredibly amazing now that I have been drinking my daily sludge with the added benefits of kosher fish collagen and pearl powder. Yes, heads have been turning—it’s probably because I’m glowing and my hair is extra shiny. It’s nearly on the floor now and almost a burden having to brush it 999 times a day. But at least I can rip through Amazon packages with my bare nails now, and don’t need an ounce of makeup (which is why I can support this $98/bag habit going forward).
Maybe some of the over 30 trace minerals (silica, magnesium, calcium, potassium bioavailable amino acids, and nacre, to name a few) found in the bag have something to do with its magical effect. According to the brand, “the synergy of this nutrient-dense blend also supports the appearance of two important antioxidants, glutathione and superoxide dismutase, both essential for vitality.” I think vital is the perfect word to sum up how I feel—the big main character energy that comes from having a ridiculous-sounding breakfast every morning is so good.
But, the best thing about the powder is that it actually smells like nothing. I’ve tasted some other protein powders—because I’m a freak that has to try things—and they have a weird, chalky residue and sometimes a funky smell. The Holi (Mane) stuff smells like the air in your apartment, and it doesn't really taste like anything—you pretty much just sense its presence on your tongue. You can also mix it into basically whatever your heart desires (perhaps some baked goods—gluten-free pearl blondies?) and will start feeling like the absolute son or daughter of Lord Poseidon himself.
I think maybe next month, I’ll move on to injecting diamonds. I’ll report back when I get to the bottom of the bag—I just hope I don’t develop scales and the ability to communicate with sea life first.
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