This Alien-Probe-Like Vibrator Gives Me Extraterrestrial Orgasms

We’ve straddled the gamut of sex toys at Rec Room, from a “wine stopper” for your sperm to the suprisingly rad sex toy line by Fifty Shades of Grey (sorry Mom; sorry god). But never in my dildo-laden days have I seen a vibrator like the Zumio X: 

“What in the anglerfish is this?” I wondered, unsure of how and where the antennae worked on this disembodied purple claw, which was marketed as a clitoral toy that was really, actually unlike any other sex toy out there at the moment (a bold MOFO-ing statement, in a world where crazy sex toys, such as the Vajankle, exist). But it’s true. Clitoral toys are finally getting the detail-oriented attention they deserve, thanks to women-led companies like Dame, as well as cult favorites by Satisfyer that have made air pressure clitoral toys go mainstream. 

That’s all fine and rad if you have a ~sensi~ clitoris, but what about making direct Jodie Foster-level contact with le clit? Is it possible to have direct, targeted pressure without feeling like you have an immersion blender on your pussy? Goddess knows Zumio had a lot of top-rated reviews to live up to, with some users describing it as a “great primary toy for those who love intense, pinpointed sensation and strong, whirling vibrations,” and others assuring that this was a toy “designed for women/vaginal havers by vagina havers which is fucking amazing!” I was curious. 

Would it thrust? Would it spin? Twirl? Was this to be the Sky Dancer of vaginas that would make my clitoral sucking vibes feel like amateur hour? Me and my choosy vágínë tested the Zumio X to see if it was worth the hype. 

Right off the bat, we’re dealing with a toy called “Zumio X,” so you know it’s going to be pretty fucking nerdy. The startup was founded four years ago, a PR representative told me, and gained a cult following for its unique design and “SpiroTip” stimulation technology that uses a high-speed rotation—and not vibration—on your clitoris, nips, and other intimate areas. That’s one of the cooler back-pocket tricks of the Zumio; if you’re looking for a foreplay toy that capable of a high-speed, behind the ear tickle or light perineum pounding, this is a great piece to have in your orgasmic toolbelt. It’s also fully submersible, so you can unsheath it from its tentacle—yes, it has a sheath—and take it to the wave pool bath. 

I charged my Zumio for a few hours at home in its upright docking stand (we love a rechargeable sex toy for Mama Earth), and was determined to try it after spending an hour at Spa Heaven, where I was stretched and into a loose and groovy Gumby. If ever there was a time to try a toy that I found slightly intimidating, that was it. The vibrator turned on at what felt like the mere brush of my finger, which was such a nice surprise. (For some reason, so many vibrators require what feels like a brute finger force pounding to shuffle through the settings.) Zumio is light, easy to hold, and feels intuitive even after one use. 

The moment of truth came when it was time for ~contact~ and, not really knowing what to do other than rub the little anglerfish antennae over my clitoris, I just went for it. I jumped at first, but immediately relaxed when I realized this gyrating tip was… lighter than air? High energy, but not overwhelming? It’s hard to describe what this toy does differently, which I realize is my job, but it almost escapes words. It’s as if every other clitoral toy right now either goes in for a sucking or a pounding, but this one goes in for a delicate triple Axel twirl. 

There are eight different speeds, but the slightly bulbous tip is so effective at targeting the clitoris that I just stayed on the first and second ones, moving in and over the clitoral hood depending on how much direct stimulation I wanted. I thought it might be tricky to edge with a vibe that has that much direct stimulation, but it’s so intense that the slightest shift makes a difference, and before I knew it, I was the Zumio and the Zumio was me.  

You really just have to give the Zumio a try to understand how it works—which you will—but sweet lord, is it ever cryptic on the box. Usually, I rip through my packages like a dog and blindly throw away receipts and instructions, but I’m glad I saved my Zumio how-to sheet. It still broke my brain, but maybe that’s just me:

I don’t have any big negative notes for this toy, but I will say that out of curiosity I went in for some penetration which was…. not it, man. And we already knew that. But just to reiterate, this is a toy that puts the clitoris front and center.  

In the words of one reviewer, “Diese Art der Stimulation ist etwas gewöhnungsbedürftig, aber sehr effektiv,” meaning, “This type of stimulation takes some getting used to, but is very effective.” I concur—this isn’t a beginner’s sex toy, but damn is it a rad one once you learn the ropes. For being so seemingly extra in design, Zumio reminded me that you literally don’t always need much to get the job done. You just need real intentionality in your vibrator’s design, something that’s not afraid to be different if it feels a little goofy. 

There’s something to be said for the small tip and high frequency that I also found more satisfying than a palm vibrator—those are great for humping and more indirect clitoral stimulation, but Zumio is like a horny extra limb that shamelessly phones home. (Also, if you are into probing/finger/alien fetish play but don’t enjoy/cannot experience vaginal penetration, Zumio offers a really rare opportunity to get in on those fetishes without inserting a probe.)

At the end of the long, orgasm-filled day, if you love, breath, and cha cha slide around the clitoris, this is a great toy for both the intermediate sex toy owner and anyone who just wants to beam the hell up. 

The Zumio X Clitoral Vibrator is available at Amazon and Zumio.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.