Mother’s Day is cool and all, if you have a tradish situation (whatever that even means). But if you don’t have a mom/aren’t talking to your mom/don’t partake in this holiday, it’s a holiday that is annoying at best, and painful at worst. It’s in need of a little 2021 zhuzhing, because Pusswatcha is a state of mind, and the person who mothers us the best isn’t always the one who popped us out, nor does that person even need to have a uterus.
Sometimes, the other-mother in our life is an old friend, or a new friend. Sometimes it's our siblings. Sometimes they’re the deli guy. It’s OK. You’re safe here. [Unravels spool of bubble wrap.] Is your spiritual mommy a drag queen named Areola Grande? A BFF? Yourself?? (Respect.) We've got you with last-minute gifts for whoever you want to honor this weekend, the one whose very presence feels like a safe, cozy hug.
These are some gifts [dumps piñata] that will arrive on time for the big day (May 9), or a day, or two, or three late, because whatever. We’re already not observing this holiday in the traditional sense—time is but a rubber band—and it doesn’t matter if your other-mother’s Pikachu pillow/body harness arrives on time. What matters is that it arrives in their arms, from your loving brain.
“Spritz me, Igor”
Here’s an idea: Buy a giant palm leaf and fan your friend with an occasional spritz from this face-zhuzher; “A soothing, purifying, and repairing daily rescue spray for angry, stressed out skin.” Tower28 is such a cool brand. Of course they understand that our pores aren’t just thirsty, but angry.
SOS Daily Rescue Facial Spray, $28 at Tower28
The best worst idea
This can’t end well. But it can start well. Besides, your mommy can do anything.
Gabba Goods Bath Wine Holder and Bluetooth Speaker, $19.99 at GameStop
Some dried flowers
They’re always beautiful, will last forever, and can send absolutely whatever message you want. Like, “I can’t wait to share the same coffin with you, and we can take this tasteful bouquet of Bleached Hydrangea, Star Flower, Skeleton Fern, and Bleached Bunny Tails with us.” Order it ASAP, and it will arrive on May 8. (Vase included!)
The Essex, $100 at Urban Stems
This BIPOC-owned Wiccan Etsy shop is offering a whole cauldron starter kit shabang, for the person who either already has Pagan-centic tendencies or wants to lean into them this spring.
Cast Iron Cauldron Cleansed & Consecrated Magic Kit, $40 at Etsy
“Butters of the World”
It’s a Small World, only, the river is salted butter from Western France and the city skylines are made of baguettes. Did you smoke before this? Good. This butter medley comes with slabs of Danish Lurpak butter, British goat butter, Échiré from ~Fwance, and cultured Vermont butter with sea salt from Bernieland. Overnight shipping available.
Butters of the World Assortment, $39.99 at iGourmet
Fancy stoner chocolates
Correction: stoner-light, as these aren’t the weed snacks you ate in college. They’re made with a hemp-derived CBD that won’t make your giftee trip balls. Also, have you met Mom Grass, yet?
Hemp-Derived CBD Dark Chocolate Espresso Chews, $30 at Lord Jones
A really nice lobstah feast
Feed them, the way they’ve fed you. (Or massage their toes with the lemon butter sauce.) Goldbelly has loads of feasts that will arrive in time for Mother’s Day, but this Maine seafood smorg is a true way to regale the mama figure in your life; it comes with two lobster tails, 12 mussels, eight shrimp, eight sea scallops, and two ears of corn.
Maine Shore Dinner for 2, $109 at Goldbelly
A really nice feast… of yogurt
After she’s sufficiently gorged on Goldbelly, why not give your special someone some GoodBelly (nice, we know) probiotics to keep their pipes clear so they can fully enjoy their post-meal, horizontal repose? And if they don’t like yogurt, Goodbelly has supplements, too—because, as we all know, love is a smooth digestive tract. (Oh, and did we mention this stuff is powerful? It’s so full of gut-loving bacteria you can literally sour beer with it.)
GoodBelly, Acai Blueberry Juice, $4.69 at Amazon
What’s better than one Pikachu? A bag of Pikachus.
Gotta catch ‘em all in a pillowcase. For that one, special person you’re thinking of this Mother’s Day, there is perhaps no greater joy than sleeping next to a small village’s worth of our favorite Pokémon. We don’t really understand it, but that’s not the point. We feel it.
Pikachu Snack Pillow, $32.99 at Amazon
If they’re mommi, you’re daddi
Torso body harnesses are cool, but have you ever tried a leg harness? It almost feels horse-girl-meets-S&M, and we’re chomping at the bit for it.
Faux Leather Leg Harness, $8.50 at ROMWE
A bunch of 1980s VHS horror movies
“Choose one or more” from this selection of 1980s and 90s horror movies to watch together. Because the Nuclear Family Myth is scary and so is The Mothman: Prophecies!!
Vintage Movie VHS, $8 at Etsy
An amp that we’ll do our best not to fry
One of the only kinds of spam you want to see in your mailbox. “In addition to The SPAMP's Spice and Heat controls,” the description reads, “The SPAMP+ now has Taste, an effective swept tone control for more creative control.” It’s a practice amp, but also SPAM. Need we say more?
THE SPAMP PLUS Guitar Practice Amplifier and Distortion Effect With Speaker, $76.14 at Etsy
Is it ironic? Not ironic? Little of both, maybe
We don't know about youuu, but during the Couch Times we spent a lot of time watching mediocre, early 00s blockbusters, including—but not limited to—the 2006 Ron Howard-directed American mystery thriller film The Da Vinci Code, based on the eponymous smash-hit novel by Dan Brown. These days, we are going outside more. How to merge our interests? With a Da Vinci Code promotional snapback, obviously. Maybe it won't come by Mother's Day proper, but as we can affirm after eating three weed gummies and watching two-thirds of the iconic film before falling asleep on our IKEA Kivik sectional in October of 2020, this movie really stands the test of time. Tom Hanks, you know?
The Da Vinci Code promotional hat, $18.74 on eBay
A mobile mimosa delivery device
At the end of the day, three liters is three liters—nobody’s tradish-family Insta posts will bug you after that. Or, you know, use it for camping!
REI Co-op Trail Hydro 30L Hydration Pack - 3 Liters, $110.00 at REI
Elevate your people watching
There’s no other way to find your friends on the Great Lawn. We want to party like it’s 1886 this summer [throws iPhone in fountain] but with none of the polio, and all of the lacey, chaise lounge drama. Your chosen mother will enjoy using these to creep, respectfully, and build a My Octopus Teacher relationship with the feral cats in their yard.
$25.95 $19.91 at Amazon
Happy Other Mother’s Day!
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