A trash can of tears. A diaper filled with wildebeests. There are a lot of metaphors I could use to describe how awful I feel when I have period cramps, but suffice to say: it’s bad. It’s been bad since I got my very first period in junior high and, while crying, threw up on a bunch of succulents outside of the principal’s office. I should have been in class, but I was splayed out on the concrete floor, and not in a cool-girl-Natalie-Imbruglia-way, when a boomer hall monitor found me.
“Boy problems, sweetie?” he asked.
“Blood problems,” I said, with a bit of drool coming out of my mouth.
Now that I’m grown, I have a slightly better handle on my cramps. I’ll pop an Advil, soak in the tub, and apply CBD balms to my lower back and abdomen until the worst is over. Unfortunately, the “worst” can last for days and have many ups and downs that put me out of commission; I’ve tried working remotely from my bathtub, but it just doesn’t fly. That’s where the Aura electro-current patch comes in:
Yes, jabroni, you read that right: This is a small electro-current device by Vush, the Australian wellness brand whose vibrator has been featured in a Cardi B music video, and whose latest campaign wants you to go on a 30-day masturbation marathon in the spirit of sex positivity/for a vibrator discount. When Vush is slinging something new, I’m all ears. “Aura is a transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) machine,” the site explains, “It provides painless electro currents that feel like gentle buzzing pulses to help relieve pain.” These pulses are meant to trick your pain receptors, allowing your muscles to relax and your body to create more endorphins.
This sounded like
ketamine heaven. So, with my patience for my ovaries at an all-time low, I decided to give Aura a test-run to see if it could truly zap the pain away.
What was rad
Damn, I thought as I unpackaged my Aura, This is some Ex Machina shit. The lightweight, minimalist design made me feel like the main sexy girl robot in a sexy robot movie that was *sigh* probably written for the male gaze. Sadly, I was in too much pain/was too lazy to figure out how Aura worked on the first day of my period. Which is a shame. It would have changed my life, which I don’t say lightly.
On day two of my period, I charged up Aura for the recommended 40 minutes, slapped it on my lower abdomen, and pushed the power button without reading the instructions. I braced myself for the worst, but I was pleasantly surprised to feel a rolling, soothing current of vibrations. It felt like Jigglypuff was giving me a raspberry, or like I was getting smooched by a bunch of small, cute rimora. It was kind of… horny???
E-stim, or electro-stimulation/electro-sex, is an element of BDSM play that a lot of people enjoy. Until I tried Aura, I never realized that I might be one of them. Maybe it was because I was on my period and wanted to smash, which is common for a lot of folks (scientists don’t know exactly why), or maybe it’s because I’m a freaky little E-stim bish who craves full-body, ASMR-esque electro-stimulation. I was confused, relaxed, and slightly turned-on, but either way, I was stoked.
Not only was I at ease from my period pains, but I was also enjoying the good vibrations of Aura wherever I went. The device is silent and super lightweight, so I could wear it on my couch and to the grocery store with no one the wiser. There are six different modes for massage, but I was a fan of the one the first setting and the third power level (apparently there are 20, which is bananas), which made me feel like I was getting zapped by Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein (another personal fantasy); it sends out currents in waves of about five seconds, takes a pause, and then sends out another wave. Before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I was smitten.
What was tricky
Aura promised five hours of wear time, but I had to recharge after one. Luckily, it juices up significantly after just 20 minutes, so that was no biggie.
In a perfect world, I would have two of these Aura machines at work at the same time; one could massage my lower abdomen, and the other, my lower back. Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t justify ordering a bunch of Auras at the device’s current price point, but I can justify ordering one more given that it’s currently $51 off the usual price.
I have always been curb-stomped by my period cramps, but Aura helped me clap back. I’ve never been one for any kind of E-stim device, but the gentle currents of Aura have a near-sentient way of targeting those knots and shooting pains that make me feel like goblins are gargling my ovaries, soothing them instantly.
Aura is a little pricey, but it’s worth it. Not only does it simply work, but it’s quiet, lightweight, portable, and easy to use, even if you don’t read the instructions manual at first (like moi). My only regret is that I didn’t have it in my life decades ago.
The Aura TENS device for period cramp relief can be purchased at Vush.
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