"Jesus walks," Kanye West memorably claimed back in 2004. If that remains true in 2019, let's be real: Jesus wouldn't walk in Yeezys (I'd wager that not even the Most High can actually time that drop), but he might skip the sandals to opt for something a little more on brand. So please, meet the "Jesus Shoes," a pair of Holy Water-filled, Frankincense-scented Nike Air Max 97's and undeniably the most blessed item to hit my inbox all year.
In most cases, it's simply lazy to copy and paste a press release and call it a blog, but it would be remiss for me not to share this masterpiece of Sistine Chapel-proportions. Before ye of little faith scoff and claim that "Michelangelo spent four years painting it," please, just read on:
The Vatican has mad style if you really look at it—dope engravings, crazy hats, everything blinged out with gold—so we wanted these shoes to allude to that.
The soles are filled with Holy Water (the water was originally sourced from the river Jordan, and then blessed).
The custom red insoles reference the traditional red shoes that the Pope wears, and the insoles are even scented with Frankincense, one of the gifts brought by the three wise men who traveled to greet Jesus after his birth.
The seal on the box is modified from the official Papal Seal, and the angel on the box is excerpted from Albrecht Durer’s 1514 engraving Melencolia I.
Photo courtesy Jesus Shoes
The Vatican being described as having "mad style," the Holy Water filling from the river Jordan, the Frankincense-infused insoles, the embedded gold crucifix… I for one am down to get on my knees and praise the absolute absurdity of it all. And while, sure, maybe all of this is extremely blasphemous and anyone trying to get a hold of a pair of these might want to get themselves to confession instead, we must acknowledge the next-level Catholic-inspired creativity here.
After Jude Law turned tiny Speedos papal on The Young Pope, and Andrew Scott made so many people horny for Hot Priest on Fleabag, and the Hot Priest Summer meme took TikTok by storm, perhaps this is the only logical conclusion. Alas, the shoes—which were released on Tuesday—have already sold out, with a retail price of $1,425. While they appear to be available for bidding with a starting price of $3,000, most die-hard Jesus fans might tell you that money's better spent in the tithe bucket instead.
I'm not sure how the Pope might feel about these, but I sure as hell hope he's getting a pair sent to him as PR. In any case, if Jesus were a hypebeast, he'd definitely Instagram a few shots of these.