I wanna get shafted. I want to be shiskabobbed by my dildos, or feel like a PT Cruiser getting pumped by a diesel hose that it absolutely doesn’t need, but really likes. And contrary to the organized ecosystems of sex toys on the web these days (is your kink laying alien eggs? meet Glorp), and the dozens of vibrators I’ve tried in sexual wellness writing, ordering a new vibrator still feels like a gamble. How will you know if the silicone is soft? How loud is the motor? Are there too many bells and whistles? I know that there’s never going to be one vibrator to rule them all, and that each one will bring you closer to understanding your needs through what it does right (and wrong). But hot damn, if this wild card doesn’t come close to perfect for me:
I say wild card, because I didn’t buy—but rather, I inherited—this jumbo Fifty Shades of Grey rabbit vibrator. It found me when I first started sexual wellness coverage; specifically when one of my friends was moving out of her apartment. “My roommate has like, a whole box of unopened PR vibrators for you, if you’re interested,” she told me during the obligatory Stuff Purge. As a new sex toy reviewer, I hightailed it to Bed-Stuy to learn at the feet of her well-seasoned, dildo-slinging roommate who was leaving her job as a sexual wellness writer at a fashion magazine for grad school, and leaving a slug trail of vibrators behind. She gave me such bibles as, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, and Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It; she gave me the Cadillac of Womanizer vibrators, a remote-controlled vibrating cock ring, and enough vibrators to power a jet ski. Most importantly, she gave me the Fifty Shades of Grey vibrator—or, as I now know it is ~formally~ called, the Fifty Shades “Greedy Girl G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator.”
At first, I LOL’d. I had never read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor seen any of the movies, despite observing the Church of Saint Dakota’s Architectural Digest Home Tour. If I’m honest, at that point I was more interested in the near-sentient clitoral vibrators, or the cult of the Satisfyer Pro 2. But the more dildos I tried, the more that Fifty Shades schlong started to intrigue me. It had the girth I was looking for. It had the length I wanted, at 10 inches. It also had the curved, bulbous head—but, damnit, it also had “FiFtY sHaDes of gRey” branded on the bottom in size 22 font. Boooooner deflater. But you know what? Nix your weird consumer ego, and none of that matters. This vibrator does so many things right; it’s kind of like loving your partner, despite the fact that they chew with their mouth open. (Don’t let that be your dealbreaker.)
What is important, however, is the *chef’s kiss* harmony of this vibrator’s anatomy. Everyone has different needs, but I was getting sick of using six-inch dildos that kind of taper off at the handle and ask for a lot of wrist use. This vibrator is not only long, but has incredible posture—and with a flat bottom, I’ve taken to both placing it on my shelf as an obelisk, and using it as a MacGyver’d, stick-to-surface/hands-free dildo. But the biggest surprise for me was actually enjoying the clitoral rabbit-eared stimulator, which I usually forgo on other vibrators, because that much direct clitoral stimulation can be painful, or else steal the show when I’m trying to go for a blended orgasm instead. But let me break this down for you: The silicone is so velvety soft on this boi, and the rabbit ears are so long (and slightly bendy), that they will literally bend over backwards onto your clitoris with a kind of sentient pressure. I got a C- in physics, but I know that this is hard, hot science.
After using the vibrator, I did Google “most popular 50 shades of grey quotes” to see if any lines from the book would resonate. Apparently, “Never trust a man who can dance” and “What is it about elevators?” are much-loved lines, as is, “You will not be able to see me or hear me. But you’ll be able to feel me,” which made the most sense, I guess, as the vibrator’s motor has a medium-pitched, mellow rumble.
TL; DR: If you want length, control, and the feeling of being ridden hard and put away wet in a rad, blended-orgasm way, then this rabbit vibrator just might be your dude.
Finding a bigger dildo that works for you is a thrill, akin to slipping on the perfect pair of platform shoes. While the Fifty Shades rabbit isn’t like Birthday Party Clown Shoes big (it weighs a little over two paninis), it can give you the range of insertion, weight, and feeling of fullness you’re looking for.
There’s so much more in the Fifty Shades sex toy line, too. Did I mention that it contains over a hundred products? There are toys for people with penises. There are ticklers, restraints, and pinwheels, and you can find them all over sexual wellness retailers including Adam & Eve and Babeland, but most extensively on Lovehoney, where the collection made its debut in 2012. “This range is what I always imagined while I was writing Fifty Shades of Grey,” said the book’s author, EL James, “I’m so excited that the toys I described in the books have come to life and can now be enjoyed around the world.”
The rabbit vibrator was my gateway schlong. Now, I have a running, active list of the brand’s toys that I’m making my way through, and so far I haven’t been disappointed. I never thought I’d say this, but the Fifty Shades of Grey sex toy line is the hill—nay, the elevator—that I die on.
What Else I’ve Tried (and Loved)
What’s on My Wish List
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