You know how Robert de Niro wore platform shoes to gain a few inches on-screen? Well, you can basically do that for your penis. It’s 2021, for sausage’s sake. There are ways to make you feel as endowed as Rasputin (in a sexy, Boney M. way—not a courtly charlatan way). There are boner add-ons, zhuzhers, and toys on the market that can easily add a few extra inches—or at least the sensation of a few extra inches. There are pumps, rings, vibrators, and an entire horny circus crew of devices that can make your penis feel larger for you and your partner(s).
The key word, of course, being “feel.” We’re not trying to sell you magic peen beans, dude. Nor would we like you to get lost in the digital Mordor that is the world of some penis extender devices on the web, which often look like doll crutches and always seem as if they’re being sold by aliens. There’s no way the “Pro Pênňís Enlargerment Traction Device” was not created by little green pornstars.
But, OK, elephant trunk in the room: Could you actually—technically—increase the size of your penis without surgery?
As Woman’s Health reported, “two urological researchers from the University of Turin in Italy set out to review the existing literature on low-risk penis-enhancement procedures and found that a method called ‘traction,’ in which men wear a penile extender to stretch their manhood, produced an average growth of 1.5 to 2.5 centimeters (.59 to .98 inches).” The catch? You have to do it for hours a day, and months at a time, and, oh yeah, it’s a dangerous path to penile injury and erectile dysfunction. There’s another dangerous technique called “jelqing,” a.k.a. stretching the penis gradually, every day, that some dudes swear by. “Length is limited by ligaments, which can be slowly stretched over time, like earlobe gauges,” explains one Reddit user, “It has taken me 1,200 hour hours [sic] over 16 months at 20 hours a week, to gain 1.75 inches.” At the end of the day, jelqing is also hated by Science and Doctor Folk. So, just, please—don’t make destroying your penis your part-time job.
Still, “the question of penile enhancement has been something that patients have asked for for years, but [for which] doctors have never had a good answer,” urologist James Elist told VICE in 2017 on the subject of his $13,000, FDA-approved penile implant, Penuma. “Especially for men with small penises, fractured penises, curved penises, or general body dysmorphia,” he explained, there’s a lot of stuff on the market promising the impossible. Thomas J. Walsh, another urologist, also concluded “there's little benefit to penis stretching devices,” in a VICE article by Steven Blum entitled “I Tried to Lengthen My Dick and It Did Not Turn Out So Well.”
Do: Try some easier fixes first, like cock rings, sleeves, and couples' toys; then, if you wish, enjoy the sensation of tugging, grip, and weight on your penis. Don’t: tractor-pull your penis, cut-off its circulation, or come into the otherwise wonderful world of penis sex toys with the impression you’ll inch-up forever. Life should be more than some Eight Inch Crusade. May penises of all shapes and sizes live [splashes holy water], laugh, and love. And may those who do seek the sensation of growth find what they’re looking for, be it from a penis pump, jelly ring, or a pair of American-Girl-Doll-sized dumbbells for their balls. (Just, please—keep your anus away from the bike pump.)
Now that we’ve scared your horny cannoli out of bad decision-making, or at least tried, LET’S GET LARGE! This summer is about being a hot, vaccinated, ethical ho-bag. Plus, Lovehoney is having a 70%-off sale right now, which means those sex toys you’ve always wondered about are finally, actually more affordable. Approach the following ~accoutrements~ with education, erection(s), and a lot of lube, then get ready to watch that penis lead the parade.
Remember this penile wine-stopper?
Ah, this thing. One of the stand-outs of all the weirdest sex toys out there. It’s meant to be used for edging, and released at juuuust the right moment for the full Bellagio Fountain effect. Buy it for yourself or your penis-bearing partner, and get into dirty talk about how totally Krakatoa-loaded with sperm they are, bruh.
DOMINIX Deluxe Sperm Stopper with Glans Ring, $16.99 at Lovehoney
A beginner-to-intermediate penis ring
Don’t be intimidated by the loops and texture. This is a really simple, fun way to increase stimulation on your partner’s clitoris (the textured bit) and keep your penis erect longer. There are 12 vibrational patterns, and “the smaller ring, worn around the shaft, has a diameter that stretches from 1.25 to 2.25 inches while the larger ring, worn over the shaft and balls, has a diameter stretching from 2 to 3.5 inches.” Doing the absolute most, so you can put your attentions elsewhere.
Lovehoney Bed Ringer Rechargeable Double Cock Ring, $44.99 at Lovehoney
*millennial * cock ring kit
Photo: Eddie by Giddy
This kit is a solid launching point into penis rings, as the apparati are joined by a little band, making for a much easier release, and a less intimidating experience than sliding on a single ring. Bonus: the company will send you free replacement bands, and you can also pay for it in installments of $47 with Quadpay. Did you buy this penis ring kit at a boutique in the West Village? A light Memphis Design Group gallery in Austin? That’s for you to know, and your partner to wonder.
Eddie by Giddy ED Device,
$188 $138 at Eddie by Giddy
A couples' vibe that can be worn internally during sex
What is this embryonic angler fish, you may ask? This couple’s vibrator slides into your partner’s vagina for hands-free clitoral and G-spot stimulation, “letting both partners experience intense vibrations” with its two-headed nature (don’t worry, there are plenty of diagrams on insertion in the packaging). It’s easily adjustable, and remote-control enabled so you can continue getting your partner off when your boner is waning, or when you’re taking the soufflé out of the oven. Such power, these vibrators hold.
$199 $149 at We-Vibe
Plug it up
Photo: Ella Paradis
An anal plug can be really satisying for giving you a feeling of fullness and weight during sex or foreplay, and this one is also an (optional) penis ring. Love a multi-tasker.
Anal Fantasy Collection Ass-Gasm Cockring Plug,
$38.99 $25.29 at Ella Paradis
Pump it up
A penis pump, as our buds at Mayo Clinic explain, “consists of a plastic tube that fits over the penis, a hand or battery-powered pump attached to the tube, and a band that fits around the base of the penis once it is erect (constriction ring).” When used properly, it can be really effective at increasing blood flow and keeping you harder, longer.
CalExotics Rookie Penis Pump, $32.29 at Ella Paradis
Like stilts for your penis
How fun is this? Easily cleanable, and in a lovely shade of what we’ll call smoked jellyfish, this reusable penis sleeve is a great way to help bring a partner with a vagina (and eager anus) to climax. Or to wear around the house whilst making bucatini.
Penis Extension Set, $9.99 at Amazon
Or maybe you want to start simple
Perhaps you just want the look of a larger penis in underwear? According to those in the online, male underwear discourse, one of the best pairs of underwear for making your junk look bigger (after some strategic ball-to-peen placement) are pocket boxer briefs by the brand David Archie, because it lifts–but doesn’t flatten–all your goods. They have 4.5 stars on Amazon, almost 3,000 stellar ratings, and are kind of giving Mr. Klein a run for his money. “These pairs were perfect for everyday wear,” writes one reviewer, “Given that you can get four of the David Archy pairs for what it costs to get one of the Calvin Klein pairs, there's no comparison.”
David Archie Men's Underwear Ultra Soft Micro Modal Trunks (4 Pack), $28.04 at Amazon
The masturbator of Elon Musk’s wet dreams
Photo: Ella Paradis
We’ve been waiting for this one to be on-sale, and now it’s over $100 off. Lelo is one the best sex toy engineers out there, making high-design, lowkey vibrators for the people that don’t want to invest hundreds in a sex toy that’s just going to look tacky on the nightstand. That’s why we appreciate this masturbator—enigmatically named the “F1”—so much. Not only will it match all our minimalist, Japandi decor, but it uses SenSonic wave (sensory) technology to not only beat the meat, but keep the stroking consistent. “10 cutting edge performance sensors ensure your F1s never provides a frustrating drop in power during vigorous use,” explains Lelo. Bonus: It comes with free porn through the Lelo app.
Lelo F1s Prototype Kit,
$323.99 $184.95 at Ella Paradis
An insertable strap-on
Well, isn’t that nice? Some very thoughtful person realized how cool it would be to have the means to penetrate and please your partner, even when you’re on the smaller side, have trouble getting erect, or are taking your time on your way to Bonerville.
Beginner's Hollow Dong Strap-On, $22.41 at Amazon
For your astronaut roleplay
A humble, remote-controlled jetpack for thine balls. “Great product, easy to use,” writes one reviewer, “Unbelievable feeling. Not sure why it took me so long to get something like this.” It’s also on sale, so now is the moment to lock and load your load. (Say that 10 times fast.)
Hot Octopuss Jett Extra Powerful Vibrating Masturbation Sleeve, $69.99 at Lovehoney
If someone finds it. just say it’s a bike pump
Photo: Ella Paradis
The kit’s penis pump is made of “hand crafted, diamond cut and flame polished acrylic,” equipped with an easy vacuum seal feature (no rubber gaskets), and has a quick connect/disconnect safety valve, so you can pump stress-free. It also looks like something a firefighter would use to free a kitten from a telephone pole. Maybe it’s the red shade? The official look of the pressure gauge and hose? Either way, it will make your soldier stand up straight.
LA PUMP Deluxe Erectile Dysfunction Package,
$240.99 $162.29 at Ella Paradis
No matter your size, don't forget that it's all about figuring out what feels good for you and your partner of choice (even if that partner is also, uh, yourself.) See you in the anal toy aisle.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.