Welcome to Megan Barton-Hanson’s new VICE UK column, covering all things to do with sex, relationships and self-love during one of the strangest eras of the 21st century. Read the previous column here.Let me just say right off the bat that I don’t have a good track record with breakups! I’m quite a jealous person, so once I’ve crossed the line with someone I find it hard to come back from that when things don’t work out. One night stands I’m usually alright, but if it was more than that I tend to struggle. And, let’s be honest, even the chillest person in the world would find it difficult to end up in a ‘let’s just be mates’ situation and have to sit around while the other person tells the whole friendship circle about how they’re getting on with their new partner.
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But that’s not to say that dating a friend is completely off the cards. You can’t choose who you fall for, famously. So if you do find yourself catching feelings for a friend, here are some tips on how to navigate things:I’ve had experiences in the past of liking someone more than they liked me, and I know how painful that can be. It can ruin the whole friendship. So rule number one would be to lay your cards on the table as soon as possible. I’m quite an awkward person and I do find it hard to really vocalise how I feel. I think when you’ve been hurt in the past, you don’t want to be the person to say ‘I’m catching feelings’, but you need to get over your ego, put that to one side and be honest. Whether you want to progress and be more than friends and have a sexual relationship, or you just want to have casual sex and still be seeing other people, just say it. Even if you did want to see how things went but you’ve also got other people on the side, just say that so everyone knows where they stand. It is going to be awkward, at the end of the day, but at least it’s off your chest and there’ll be no blurred lines. Then at least if it doesn’t work out on a sexual level you’ll have an easier job of keeping the friendship intact. Once you both say exactly what you want, it can’t go wrong.
SET SOME GROUND RULES
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TRY TO DATE OUTSIDE YOUR IMMEDIATE FRIENDSHIP GROUP
START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON
RESIST THE URGE TO LABEL THINGS
IF IT ALL GOES TITS UP, REMEMBER WHY YOU WERE FRIENDS IN THE FIRST PLACE
KEEP YOUR INNER CHAOS IN CHECK
There’s this guy I met on Hinge back in the day. It wasn’t like a proper relationship, we saw each other very casually, and I think I said to him that I liked him but he wasn’t ready because he’d just come out of a long-term thing. But since then we’ve stayed in touch and hung out occasionally. We don’t really have the same group of friends, which helps, but when he’ll tell me things like ‘I’m seeing this new girl, she’s from Amsterdam…’ there’s still a part of me that’s like ‘Oh really?’ and it makes me have that ‘Megan From Love Island’ vibe, where I’m like ‘Can I get him back if I want?’
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A part of you still wants to have that bit of power where you’re like ‘OK fine, we’re just friends, but I still need to be the person that they fancy the most!’ A lot of the time people get scared to vocalise how they feel because they don’t want to ruin the friendship, but you’ve got to think, like, the worst case scenario is that you stay friends. I think it would be worse almost if you had these pent up feelings, and the other person felt the same but was also scared, and then they moved on with someone else because you were both in the same boat.I think you just need to be brave. If it turns out they don’t feel the same way then it might be awkward for a while, maybe a week, but then you’ll go back to being friends and at least you’ll have put it out there. There’s nothing worse in life than regret, so don’t be afraid to be upfront and honest – otherwise you’ll be left with that feeling of ‘if only I said something’.@meganbartonhanson_