All The Things We Overheard at Glastonbury 2022

This is your brain… on Glastonbury!

Every year, Glastonbury attracts a large and varied crowd. Anywhere you go you’re likely to encounter a medley of NTS Radio listeners, Scouse huns, wholesome families, groups of Boomer dads on weekend release, old school hippies who get up at 7AM to read the paper and go to all the sustainability talks, students subsisting on cereal bars and ketamine, people with literal circus skills and beyond.

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As a result, the things you overhear at the festival tend to be equally wide-ranging. Add the fact that Glastonbury is much longer and much more intense than your usual three-day break from crushing reality, and you end up with chat that ranges from ‘fucking stupid’ to ‘oddly sublime’.

With all of the above on mind, here is everything we overheard at Glastonbury this weekend:

[Sound of a can cracking open on the bus at 11AM on Wednesday] "What? I'm on my holidays."

Person 1: “Hey mate, have you got any pills left?”
Person 2: “I’ve got Imodium?”
Person 1: “Even better!”

"If you wanna go out and listen to music, then you can’t be doing chop. That’ll ruin your night. You need to have a pill. I mean, I’m doing chop now, but that’s different.”

"I think it’s time for straight people to reclaim the cowboy hat."

“Put some fucking sunnies on lad, your eyeballs are facing different directions.” [At 11:30AM]

“This weekend, I’m cosplaying as a hot person.”

"The Arcadia spider… she is the moment."

"I'm not being a pedophile, I'm just being a nonce." – A woman 

[Points to Apple Watch] “Yes! I've completed five of my activity goals today!”

“Last time I was here I accidentally smoked spice and tried to peel my skin off."

Photo: Chris Bethell

"I just saw a dad do a pinger."

"I've been fucking done for punching someone at Glastonbury before – and I'd do it again."

"When I come back to the tent I'll cream myself… but not in the way you're thinking."

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“Do you think someone might have stolen my antidepressants from my tent? They were just here."

[Band starts up playing far in the distance, startling a guy walking through the festival site looking hungover in the morning, almost making him trip over and fall over into us]: "Oh shit, sorry, I thought a band literally started playing behind me."

Person 1: "Jay and Silent Bob."
Person 2: "Yes."
Person 1: "Right."

"Should I use my powers of invisibility for good or evil?"

"My phone doesn't even recognise my face anymore."

"I’m ready for some big boob action."

Photo: Chris Bethell

"I have an ideology about how capitalism and communism don’t exist. I’ll tell you about it later."

Person 1: "Floor mystery powder?"
Person 2: "Floor mystery powder!"

"I bought this gear fresh off the boat."

"Spotted! Pete Doherty in a MASSIVE poncho."

"Pete Doherty is wandering around hospitality in massive black magician's cape. He opened it up and welcomed me into it."

[Someone quietly muttering to themselves] "I've got nothing left."

"I’ve just had a Berocca – I’ve never made such a healthy decision."

"There's nothing better than a sexy freak."

"Security made me decant my £25 Chablis on the way in, SIGH."

"Now I'm off to dislocate my arse."

Photo: Chris Bethell

BONUS PAUL MCCARTNEY SECTION:

"I'm not going to see Paul McCartney. What's he going to do, play 'Hey Jude' for two and a half hours?"

"I can't wait to see Paul McCartney, the moment he opens his mouth I'm taking a pill."

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"I love Paul McCartney so much I'd watch a performance of him clipping his toe nails."

Person 1: “Imagine if I could meet the oldest person here at Glastonbury.”
Person 2: “What would you ask them?”
Person 1: “I’d ask them who was on the throne when they were born. Albert…. Uncle Albert. Paul’s got a song called ‘Uncle Albert’. If he doesn’t play it I’ll smash his face in.”

[At Paul McCartney]: "Oh my god what? Bruce Springsteen? Who the hell is he gonna bring on next, Keith Chegwin?"

Thank you, Glastonbury, and goodnight.

@emmaggarland / @christopherbethell

Tagged:

Music, Festivals, Glastonbury, things we overheard

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