VICE Readers Share What Gifts They Want This Year

Well, well, well—look who scrolled their way on down to the comment section to sit on Rec Room Santa’s virtual lap and tell us what presents they want this year. (Hint: It’s you.) Yep, it’s time for our roundup of all the gifts that VICE readers said they want for the holidays in 2021. 

We put out a call on Instagram and (of course) we got a ton of, shall we say… choice responses, but there were a ton of actually sick-and-tight picks amid the understandable requests for “paid time off,” “sex with my ex,” and “the will to live.” We took 27 of the more reasonable asks and plopped them into this big ol’ list of gift ideas, from Kegel balls and fancy tech gadgets to vibrators, “head,” and more. 

Ask, and thou shalt receive, dear reader: This is your time to shine. Enjoy. 

We can’t make your dealer be punctual, but we can suggest that you try some CBD rollies by Dad Grass, whose legal hemp joints give you a mellow buzz reminiscent of a soft, summer breeze from 1969. 

Underwear

We’re partial to a high-key French panty that makes us feel like Jamie Lee Curtis in the 1980s, and the David Archy men's underwear that has grown a cult following for its ability to flatteringly hug your junk.  

We’re stoked that your New Year’s resolution is to build strength in your pelvic floor. It’s quite admirable. Now, fetch! 

ICYMI, an ad went viral this weekend that was posted by “witches seeking male flesh for [a] Great Rite ritual” in New York City. OK, so it isn’t a paid opportunity in the traditional sense of the word. But if employment is what you seek this holiday season, sometimes boosting your ‘fit with a new briefcase or relaxed blazer can give you confidence in the hunt. 

The internet can be a gracious place, man. This Etsy creator will custom make any mixtape for you and send it wherever it needs to go; just provide them with a link to your playlist or just the tracklist (preferably one for each side) and the title of your tape. 

Few poets have braved the waves of love—especially unrequited—with the kind of tender, humble insight as the late Rainer Maria Rilke. Keep his words open for display on an adjustable bamboo reading stand or West Elm bookshelf. This one is technically for kids, but would be the perfect size for our railroad apartment, and it’s marked down from $549 to just $274:

Someone’s on the naughty list, eh? While we can’t help you score, we can help you chill TF out with CBD tinctures and alter your mood with adaptogenic drinks. 

Well, we can’t coerce your crush into enveloping you in a sweet, warm hug, but they do make body pillows that serve a similar purpose. (We get it, you’re baby.) 

Easy. Now go forth, and finally call mother on your tiny wrist machine. The Series 3 version is on sale right now at Best Buy for just $169. 

No surprise here. Less time scuttling about your apartment, more time slamming Takis like a pro. Also, Roombas kind of feel like the way god should’ve made hairless dogs [rips bong]. 

Because our own tentacles can’t reach across the screen and into your living room to massage your scalp, this is the next best thing. Use it in the shower to exfoliate your scalp. 

New box chains bracelets are always welcome, as is a unisex heart signet ring by Vivienne Westwood for your sweetie (especially if they’re an aging punk). 

We’re all about supporting local skate shops, but if your giftee doesn’t live near one, a gift card to Tactics is the next best thing.

These YEEZY Boost 350 V2 "MX Oat" sneakers actually look like something we’d wear for reasons other than “clout.” 

We’re going to assume the reader who suggested “cake” meant a delicious pastry, and not a euphemism for, you know, cake.  

We get it, dude—we really do. These were on humungo sale during Black Friday and Cyber Monday, and for good reason: You can do pretty much anything with them, from pastry dough to kneading bread. 

You asked for it, you got it. As Adam Rothbarth recently wrote for VICE, “Bombas socks are soft and incredibly cozy, and they also just look real, real good. You can refuse to answer the call of socks this holiday season, but I’m picking up every time.”

One reader responded, “What? Something material? Evolve.” Well, we took that to heart—instead of a material present, gift someone you love (or yourself) a weird and wild Cameo from assorted living icons, including one from the Little Lad of that 2000s Starburst commercial, the former drummer of Megadeth, Wayne Knight, and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino.

CLANG CLANG CLANG! Here comes the jolly knife trolley, packed full of amazing chefs’ knives under $100 including the versatile, eight-inch imarku blade, which is owned/worshipped by two Rec Room staffers, and any number of the affordable bundles by Misen.

You should have led with that, reader—it’s one of our specialties. May we recommend the Loki by LELO, the Swedish dildo designers that spare no expense when it comes to sensual pleasures and aesthetic touches? 

We’re taking a leap here and guessing this reader meant oral sex. There are plenty of ways to give head as a gift—without, you know, giving head as a gift—including the super-popular Satisfyer Pro 2 and the Blowmotion by Lovehoney.

Awe, guys! We gotta say, we weren’t sure you had it in ya, but a pottery wheel is the most wholesome gift ever, and we absolutely support you all getting into the great hobby that is ceramics. This model is affordable, quiet, and comes with a foot pedal for hands-free pottery-ing.

This jelly dildo is 22 inches long (the longest we could find), but its two-headed nature will work double time for you and yours. [Falls back into Dark Web.]

Don’t we know you from that Phish concert a few years back? 

TASCHEN is bar-none for art books that make our eyes water, with gorgeous titles on art, design, fashion, architecture and more; there are best-selling books on Frida Kahlo, tomes on astrology, and tons of great picks for under $50. 

Congratulations on having great taste. Happy holidays!

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.