The Best Fancy Toothpaste for Giving Your Mouth a Spa Day

The teeth are the biceps of the mouth: We know it, you know it, and that dude on Love Is Blind who makes his own organic toothpaste definitely knows it. Teeth keep your whole operation moving, from the tips of your Crocs to your sweet little alfalfa head, because they tenderize your tacos, seduce lovers with their foxy gleam, and help open frustrating packets of seasoning for your stir fry. So why on Earth would you skimp on quality toothpaste for such selfless, hard-working mouth stones? Those pearls deserve only the best. 

We may not be dentists [buckles assless chaps] but we are people obsessed with feeling good, and stealth-shopping for stuff that makes us feel utterly fawned-upon. Is the Hammacher Schlemmer Clam Sauna way out of our price league? Yeahhhhh. But spending loads of money isn’t a prerequisite for treating yourself to something luxurious, and some of the most incredible toothpastes cost under $20, while making your hot mouth feel like a million bucks. These aren’t just fancy toothpastes, they’re passports to small-batch Parisian apothecaries, cult-loved Japanese beauty brands, and mixtures that are second only to brushing your teeth with sunshine. 

Like all proud Italian-Americans, we love steaming-hot spaghetti Bolognese, chunky gold jewelry, and Marvis’ luxurious Italian toothpaste. The brand was founded in the mid-20th century by Earl Franco Cella Di Rivara, and reached its cult-fave status by the 1970s for its ability to refresh even the most intense morning breath. Marvis offers the kinds of toothpastes that read like a haute gastronomy dessert menu, including jasmine mint, amarelli licorice, and "Rambas," an infusion of Alphonso mango, peach, and pineapple, and is “inspired by the beaches and exotic atmosphere of tropical islands.” In the words of Rec Room editor and Marvis ride-or-die Hilary Pollack, “[the] stuff is amazing—and a gazillion five-star reviews agree.” In the words of one Amazon reviewer, "It does not taste like banana candy or children's toothpaste, it tastes like a $100 cocktail you'd get at a five star tropical resort.”

In terms of toothpaste sagas, the story of Linhart is nothing short of cinematic. The brand was founded in Prague in 1929 by Ernest Linhart, a recent medical school graduate who would go on to serve in the Czechoslovakian resistance and emigrate to America once his wife, Magda, was liberated from Auschwitz. Together, the couple laid the foundations for the family-operated business we love today, and whose toothpaste has been perfected over roughly half a century. Linhart believes in formulating their toothpaste with only three “essential” enamel-protecting ingredients (theobromine, fluoride, and xylitol), and blending them with soothing aloe vera, and a hint of anise and mint. In the words of one Amazon reviewer, “Linhart tastes great, and makes your teeth noticeably whiter. I highly recommend [it] for everyone, but especially for those who hate the overpowering flavor of most other brands.”

Ah, Aesop. We truly couldn’t count the number of times we’ve seen your fancy hand soap pedestaled in the gorgeous celebrity restrooms of Architectural Digest home video tours, and now that we know you make toothpaste? SHEESH! We’re falling in love all over again. This tube’s formula fits in perfectly with Aesop’s famously herbaceous scents, and includes not only classic, quality toothpaste ingredients such as spearmint and clove, but a little pizazz courtesy of cardamom, anise, and sea buckthorn that was (probably) stolen from a wise but ornery ghost pirate. Who knew your oral hygiene could make you the most interesting person in the room? 

Living Libations makes toothpaste for aging Deadheads with exquisite taste, and folks who don’t just want to brush their teeth, but give them the equivalent of a five-star Swedish massage. Fans on the brand’s page for Happy Gum Gel say it makes your “mouth feel like a spring breeze,” because it includes essential oils such as clove bud, oregano, thyme, and more, as well as three atoms of oxygen (O3), which sounds like some Lex Luther shit, but really just harnesses the power of fresh oxygen to help heal skin—and yes, we will be gatekeeping this from Gwyneth.

I remember when I stumbled across the Buly 1803 store in Paris’ Left Bank, because it felt like walking onto the set of Midnight in Paris; the product curation of the Napoleonic-style apothecary is impeccable, and includes hand-calligraphed nail polishes, otherworldly scents, and orange-ginger toothpaste that harkens back to the glamor of the Belle Epoque. It’s so gorgeous, you’ll hesitate to put it back in the cabinet after use. 

These are clever little pebbles on a mission. They may not look like Marie Antoinette owned them, but that’s because they’re not trying to; these activated charcoal tablets are far more likely to be found in the mouth of Brutalist, spartan zaddies such as Tadao Ando, Rick Owens, and anyone who would like to replace the plight of the smushed toothpaste tube with a chic, more environmentally-friendly glass jar.  

“If the American Dental Association cared one lick about people,” writes one Amazon reviewer of this beloved Japanese toothpaste, “they would be pitching this.” An impassioned claim, but that’s how it goes amongst the elite tooth-lovers and defenders of the Apagard formula, which has over 2,000 reviews and a 4.5-star rating on Amazon. “When it comes to toothpaste, I'm not fancy,” explains Karina Hoshikawa in her honest review of the paste, but she loved that “Apagard was almost flavorless. It also had a less jelly-like consistency and was almost creamy (like cake frosting).” 

Now you’re ready to makeout! (Even if it’s just with your own hand.)

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.