Valentine’s Day is for lovers, but it’s also for the people who love you the most—and unless you’re Macbeth or Ramona Singer, we’re talking about your friends. Your best buds have been with you through it all, from that time you were doored by an idling PT Cruiser while biking, and they (rightly so) told you to tell everyone “It was from a craaaazy Lexus,” to that summer in Barcelona when you lost a gold earring in your paella. They’re the Thelma to your Louise, the Beavis to your Butt-Head, and they are honestly so much more fun to shop for on V-Day than any partner or cuffing-season crush. For one, the pressure is off, but also, they just get you, and they’ll be delighted to see whatever deranged sweetness you cook up to remind them of your undying bond, whether your prezzy was born of a modest budget or truly jumbo [reveals gourmet sausage bouquet] pile of clams.
The cardinal rule of Valentine’s Day gift giving: Know Thy Bestie. Also, consider what might bring your pal joy for V-Day 2022. Remember, it’s February, and 1) still cold as hell, 2) ‘rona is still weird, and 3) Y2K fashion is back. Reach for gifts that are cozy, horny, and a little bit stupid in the best way, such as a Shrek butt plug or an XXL long Furby. Maybe your best friend is deserving of a Sailor Moon-esque glass dildo, or some new BFF friendship swag, from customizable jewelry to gemstone thongs from Amazon that pay homage to your Degrassi years. Maybe you live far apart or haven’t been in touch lately, or perhaps your friend is just getting out of a romantic relationship and could do with a little cheering up, and a dozen roses from someone who didn’t shart on their heart. Whatever the friend and whatever the reason, here are the best platonic gifts this Valentine’s season, from personalized mix-tapes to plushies and more.
A huggable dumpling
Smoko is the LA-based kawaii brand that dreamt up such cultural icons as the ambient potato bébé light, and this huggable, heatable dumpling plushie. “Lil B will keep you cozy on those cold nights,” explain the makers. “Just remove the flaxseed filled pouch from the plush, and pop it in the microwave.”
Herbal CBD rollies
There are so many rad hemp brands that can legally mail you CBD joints, but the creative presentation of Alive & Kicking’s CBD knocks it out of the park. There’s no better way to spoil the bestie who likes to massage and bon voyage after work than with some pre-rolled cones, or the brand’s Portlandia-esque bell-jar-packaged hemp nug. We can already hear their little stoner chuckle in the distance.
$25.00$20 at Alive & Kicking
$8 at Alive & Kicking
A luxury silk pillowcase
Fancy silk and copper pillowcases are the latest beauty and wellness trend that actually rocks, because the silky material feels great on your skin and is gentle on your hair. And doesn’t your fellow pillow princess deserve to have their locks coddled as often as possible?
For the friend who has every sex toy imaginable
You know the one: They have every cool sex toy under the sun, from couples’ vibes to snail-shaped dildos. There are so many reasons to love glass sex toys, from the sheer ornamental beauty that makes them especially great gifts, to the versatility of their designs. This Sailor Moon-worthy toy is ideal for anal and vaginal play, as well as a great excuse for your pal to say “In the name of the moon, I'll [redacted] you!" the next time they bring home a Tinder date.
A nod to ye olde 2000s friendship bracelet
Remember when you both ditched class to pierce your ears at Claire’s Boutique and eat Dippin’ Dots? Recreate the magic of your Y2K wonder years with a customizable tennis bracelet; you can pick between a gold, silver, or rainbow pavé band, and add whichever two charms you like from the whimsical designers at the aptly named BONBONWHIMS.
Personalized thongs are next-level
You know what else we would have killed for back in the day? A personalized, blinged-out whale-tail thong that says “BFF.” Now that we’re older and have (a small amount of) actual money, we’re going to order up a batch from Amazon for the whole crew that says “FLAVOR TOWN” and make a rezzie at one of Guy Fieri’s restaurants.
This person will make you a mixtape
What could be better than sending your bestie the soundtrack of your glory years, or the playlist you listened to on that one road trip up the California coast? For a humble fee, this kindly Etsy shop will turn your dream playlist into a custom mixtape cassette with up to 40, 60, or 90 minutes of jams.
Flowers from friends are always sweet
A close friend will always know what kinds of bouquets you like, because they’ve seen you say “ew” at the sterile, boring arrangements from lovers past so many times. We’ve curated an entire guide to buying the best non-cringe bouquets and floral arrangements for Valentine’s Day, and some of our favorite blooms come from the folks at Urban Stems, who make a classic bouquet for just $60 with the option of overnight shipping.
An unhinged Cameo video greeting
Cameo is where all of your midnight lucid dreams come true. The custom video greeting service has enlisted everyone from iconic juggalos to Lindsay Lohan in its admirable goal of giving you and your friends the most iconic, random-ass assortment of video greetings possible. What could beat a message from a RHONYcast member, or the narrator of Ancient Aliens?
Beautiful garlic girl
This garlic girl, just like your garlic girl, deserves all the love in the world. Don’t be surprised if it summons a poltergeist, though.
Arguably nothing has done more for our serotonin over the past few wackadoodle years than the evolution of decor-centric candles, which have transcended the classic taper shape to become full blown, fantastic blobs, groovy shapes, and faux food. If your friend loves dessert and The Sopranos, a cannoli or cake candle is perfect:
Or perhaps your pal is into micro-dosing and Aldous Huxley? (We finally watched Fantastic Fungi, too.) If that’s the case, pick up some pink or red cupcakes from the grocery store, and garnish them with these adorable mushroom keepsake candles for a mellow V-Day celebration with buds.
For the friend who’s an aspiring
… Not that we let them use that word, but whatever floats their boat. If your pal is on the path to becoming a master of craft cocktails, they’ll love this flight of 10 American-made bitters that are familiar enough to feel workable, but unique enough to challenge their palate. The flight includes sarsaparilla, grapefruit, black walnut, lemongrass, cardamom, and more, and also comes with a recipe book.
Perhaps your buddy isn’t that great at making drinks, but they’re one hell of a host/party goose. They deserve a set of Southwest-inspired cactus shot glasses.
The makeup they use on ‘Euphoria’
There’s nothing we love more than the ritual of chowing down on at-home hot pot with our buds in front of the weekly installment of Euphoria, and deconstructing the aesthetic choices of every episode and outfit. The next-level sparkles of Lemonhead LA have been gracing the faces of the show’s stars for years now, and its versatile glitter pots would make a perfect gift for each member of your crew.
These icy face balls feel amazing
We know, we know—another face massager tool? The beauty and wellness industries are saturated to the brim with new tips and tools every day, but one of our editors can attest to the divine joy of having these icy, smooth globes caress your face to reduce puffiness, and feel hella pampered. Can you do the same thing with frozen spoons? Kind of. But these balls will stay cold for over half an hour, and do the job of caressing your post-cleansed skin like a pro. “I usually use them on my face after I've worn makeup,” writes one reviewer of the top-rated tool, “and I might have irritated my face while cleansing. They soothe my face and leave it rejuvenated.”
Pump them up
OK, so this is really a Valentine’s Day gift for the whole crew. What better way to get in the spirit of the season than by pumping up your pals with this NSFW game? It’s easy to play: Just pour your liquid/sprinkle of choice into the plastic penis machine, and see who spanks the bank fastest (cum the moment of truth). We suggest filling it with hot pink sprinkles or Four Loko.
See, wasn’t that fun? Now everyone will want to be your friend.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.