Hear Me Out: All Green Characters Are Kind of Hot

Green is good. It’s the colour of nature, health and all the sexiest film, TV and video game characters. 

Just like the Girl Next Door, Green Hotties, as the archetype will now be known, may serve other narrative purposes, but they’re all ultimately undeniably hot. It’s an inexplicable phenomenon, but all green characters from Shrek to Greedo in Star Wars to Oscar the Grouch are effortlessly sexy. Don’t just take my word for it: just ask the hundreds of people who’ve written erotica about these grass-coloured babes on the fanfiction website Archive Of Our Own, including one who has quite simply tagged theirs: “Shrek has a big dick”.

It’s important to note that not every single green character meets the criteria. Most green alien women are only hot because some usually male director turned an ordinarily hot woman green (see: Gamora in Guardians of the Galaxy). There’s others that don’t quite fit the bill, like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, because he is just some guy in a green t-shirt; Gollum who is actually greyish-white, and Godzilla (more of a dark grey). Classically good looking superheroes like Green Lantern also do not make the cut.

So here, for further proof and my own personal enjoyment: a non-exhaustive ranking of some of the hottest green characters. 

On the list out of respect but ultimately, not sexy. Sorry.

Has one of the best outfits of the whole Star Wars franchise – name another person that could pull off a leather waistcoat like Greedo can.

Kind of suave, but somehow looks just like Philip Schofield?

Pretty hot. Looks like he goes to an arts university but would also be a really good listener.

A coward but still hot in the way that Travis Barker or Machine Gun Kelly are hot. 

Simply the Chad of Marvel. He would put post-rage pics on his Instagram Story and slides into your DMs all “Hulk smash? x”

Red is supposedly the colour of sex and passion, but somehow Mario still falls short when Luigi is around. He’s the younger twin and is clearly the hotter of the two. His moustache is smoother, he’s taller and most importantly, seems like more of a laugh.

There is nothing hotter than consistency and loyalty, and Oscar has been dedicated to loving trash for eternity.

Like the Osmonds, family groups are very sweet and wholesome but also a breeding ground for comparison. Although pitting the turtle boys against each other feels wrong, it has to be done. 

Leonardo: Obviously, someone has to be the “responsible one”. Leo is hot in an extremely dull way, which is probably how you end up feeling about someone you’ve been with for over 20 years. 

Donatello: Purple and green are complementary colours and therefore, effortlessly stylish and hot.

Raphael: Angry but in a hot way. 

Michelangelo: The most fun of the group and therefore the hottest. A himbo, if you will.

What would The Simpson’s Treehouse of Horrors episodes be without Kang and Kodos? They’re technically antagonists but still very cool and loveable.

It’s concerning that it’s possible to make a sweet sexy, but the green M&M is undeniably hot. The Jessica Rabbit of chocolates, some might say, and one who can pull off the perfect nude green lip. 

You can try to pretend that Shrek isn’t a sensational film, but you cannot pretend that its titular character isn’t attractive. He obviously isn’t classically hot like the Hulk, but the allure is definitely there. After all, he lives in a swamp and exudes typical masc energy, if that’s what you’re into. It’s basically the same vibe as your friend’s dad who used to pick you up from parties, and despite you only ever seeing him grumpy and annoyed behind the wheel, he once laughed at one of your jokes so you got butterflies every time he pulled up. Hot.

I can’t stress enough that this does not apply to Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carey) in his regular form. This strictly applies to The Mask; the yellow zoot suit, the tongue lolling out of his mouth, eyes popping out of his skull? You’re lying if you say that you would say no if The Mask wanted to kiss you in Coco Bongo.

I’m not above saying that a cartoon is sexy (see: Jessica Rabbit, Stripperella, The Beast from Beauty and The Beast), but The Grinch in cartoon form is emphatically not part of the list. In fact, it’s the only movie I’ve ever walked out on in the cinema.

No, this entry applies specifically to Jim Carey’s iteration of The Grinch in the 2000 film How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It’s impossible to put your finger on it, but once you see it, you can’t pretend it’s not there: He’s funny, his hair is thick and luscious, and most importantly, he’s a tiny bit grimy. He has whatever Pete Davidson has. After all, ‘tis the season to get drunk and make your friends and family worry about you by talking incessantly about The Grinch being your dream man over turkey and Brussels sprouts.

@nanasbaah