Welcome to Megan Barton-Hanson’s new VICE UK column, covering all things to do with sex, relationships and self-love during one of the strangest eras of the 21st century. Read the previous column here.Break-ups can be horrible. And I’ve been there a couple times now.When you hit your late-twenties, I’ve found there is some external pressure from traditional society - like there must be something wrong with you for being single. In the past, I’ve had trolls message me, taunting me by saying ‘you can’t even hold down a relationship, no wonder so-and-so left you,’ but I’ve always believed that being in a toxic relationship is worse than being on your own.
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When I was a bit younger, I often found myself thinking about my past relationships, wondering if I put in enough effort or tried my hardest to make it work. Perhaps it is an age thing – I’m 27 now – but I now know I’ve definitely ignored red flags when I’ve been determined to make a relationship work.Being on reality TV, I’ve found there is so much scrutiny and judgement from the public about your love life. There’s a degree of investment in all public relationships, especially with celebrity couples, but if you’ve been on Made In Chelsea or TOWIE or Love Island there’s this added element of doubt regarding your intentions. Some will say the relationship is forced or fake, and a way to build your profile and be more famous. As a result of this pressure, I’ve definitely let relationships carry on longer than I would have if I wasn’t in the public eye. My relationship with my ex from Love Island for example – I truly did love him, and it was such an intense relationship given the way we met. But I did ignore certain red flags in terms of our compatibility because I truly wanted it to work. That was probably one of the hardest break-ups of my life because the pressure was so high and everyone seemed to have an opinion.
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Even with recent relationships, I’ve found myself continuing to argue on things we're never going to agree on. Some people are just not compatible and it doesn’t mean you don’t like or care for the person. The longer you spend in a relationship that simply isn’t right for you, the more time you're wasting - instead you should be healing, working on yourself, and meeting someone who’s actually right for you. Obviously that can be hard to believe when you’re a tub of ice cream deep on the sofa crying to Jeff Buckley, but in the long run that’s way less exhausting than breaking up and getting back together, and breaking up and getting back together, and breaking up and....You know that meme where it’s a woman on a chat show and she’s like ‘BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK’ – that’s literally me. It sounds like a lot, but for me it helps to remove all good memories from my phone. I’d suggest blocking them on everything, or even going to the extent of deleting photos from your cameral roll – back them up somewhere else, but get them out of immediate view. Also try not to stalk them on social media. Obviously it’s tempting to have a little snoop, but I think you need to be strict. They're either going to be acting up and posting pictures to make out that they're the happiest person in the world, or they’ll be going on dates. You won’t find anything you want to see there!
STEP ONE: MAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA GAME PLAN
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STEP TWO: GIVE YOURSELF TWO WEEKS TO MOVE MAD
STEP THREE: START TO MAKE SOME CHANGES
STEP FOUR: LEARN HOW TO DO THINGS ON YOUR OWN
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It is hard to take that first step – especially after a break-up when you’re feeling vulnerable, or maybe you suffer from anxiety like I do – but you don't grow as a person unless you push yourself out of your comfort zone. It might be daunting, and you might be sitting there visibly sweating while trying to order a wine and some chips, but once you get used to it you’ll have so much more confidence. It’s all about teaching yourself that you can enjoy your own company, then you won’t feel like you need a relationship.This can be so freeing and can actually help you into a new relationship with a better headspace. You shouldn’t need to be with someone, you should want to be. These are two very different things.It’s human nature to reflect on things, but don’t give yourself too much time to look back - this could make you prone to over-analysing, which is never useful. After a break-up I try to say yes to everything my friends ask me to do. I feel like the main thing I tend to miss about relationships isn’t the person themselves, it’s the human connection and companionship. It’s waking up to a text from someone asking how you are – all that communication and the feeling that someone cares about you and wants to know about your life. But that’s what friends and family can provide as well.I think it’s why people, myself included, end up going back to exes. It’s so easy to slip into feeling like no one cares about you, or that you had a bad day, but they do. You have friends and family and other people who love and care about you, so don’t settle or jump back into dating just to get that feeling. Don’t go looking for someone to fill the void. Fill your diary instead.
STEP FIVE: FILL YOUR DIARY, NOT THE VOID
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