How can you spice up your long-term relationship on Valentine’s Day? Well, there’s always pegging, anal play, and sex toys for, shall we say, “unconventional” desires. You could also learn how to whittle them a spoon, or crack open a tin can (yes, the 10-year theme is tin) in honor of your anniversary, and give them a “We did it, sport!” pat on the back before rolling off a cliff, because how on earth could you one-up the V-Day gifts you gave each other a few years ago? Take a deep breath, pull up a bean bag chair, and hunker down for some relationship advice from us (your complimentary cool uncles) about the best Valentine’s Day gifts to give a long-term partner.
We would be lying if we said that money didn’t make a difference when you’re shopping for a really nice present; video-vixen-worthy vacation pads in Joshua Tree cost coins and take some serious planning. But that’s the thing: More so than money, the best gifts for your long-term boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner require some strategy—and a flair for drama. Why gift them the smol Le Creuset Dutch oven (damn, it is pretty cute, actually), when you could gift them a piece of five-quart-capable cookware that your children, or at least your Giga Pet, will inherit once we’ve all died? Why gift them the standard, torso-sized art book from TASCHEN when you could gift them a David Hockney book so beautiful that it comes with its own piece of furniture?
Whether you’re shopping for presents under $100 or looking to drop some once-in-a-lifetime Benjamins, here are the best Valentine’s Day presents for someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a really long time (and who is expecting something really nice this year).
A bike worthy of carrying that sweet peach
Did this charming bike roll off a Wes Anderson film set? Just look at those chrome accents, affixed bottle opener, and little bell for ring-a-dinging down the confetti’d streets once the war is over, Pa. Outfit it with a colorful, handcrafted Baba Tree bicycle basket for 10+ relationship points.
We’re declaring this fancy candle our first born
This Voluspa candle is larger than your dog, and will possibly outlast your marriage with over 250 hours of burn time. That’s a total of roughly 22 Lord of the Rings (extended) trilogy binge watches, and almost enough time to figure out why Daddy always forgot to take you fishing at the lake on Sundays. No worries, mate. Only the sweet, endless aromatherapy of Japanese cypress and black musk.
A year’s worth of natural wine
Glug glug, Betty. It’s one thing to gift your hunny a really nice bottle, but it’s another entirely to give them the gift of picking up their wine tab for the next year. That’s love. MYSA has a variety of wine subscriptions you can choose from, starting with a one-month subscription of three bottles. Personally, we shall be going all out on their three bottles per month, 12-month subscription, because every vino is so well-curated, comes with tasting videos and food pairing suggestions, and the bottles look cool enough to make us hoard them on our counter, millennial-style.
They love their dog more than you
You both know it, and you both respect it as a fact of life. But now that their pooch is swaddled in Versace, they know that you really ~get~ the love hierarchy that’s at work here.
This cookware will become a family heirloom
There are Dutch ovens, and then there’s Le Creuset. The French cookware brand has mastered the art of elevating cast iron in the kitchen for nearly a century with cookware that retains and spreads heat evenly, is dishwasher-safe, and is tough as nails. Gift your boo one of the cult brands BIG Dutch ovens—as in, the five-and-a-half quart daddies that could roast an entire extended family of Cornish game hens—and your love will know that you’re in this for the long haul. That, and the Bolognese.
So you can keep projecting your issues on them
This is one of the top-rated indoor-and-outdoor-proof projectors on Amazon; with thousands of reviews and happy film nerd customers. “This [screen] is sharp, the lens has minimum distortion and the brightness is very even,” writes one reviewer, “[it] projects a real 300" image, [and even] 4-5 meters away from the screen [it’s] still crisp!! Quality for your money!!” S O L D !
On the other hand, you may not be a projector household (fair; that setup takes up space and time). Luckily, the latest smart TV from Amazon is premiering at a ~special~ low price, so your love can watch Dune on a 4K UHD screen that they actually have space for in their railroad apartment.
A great bidet doesn’t have to cost you an ass and a leg
But it will definitely make your love feel richer, once the Bellagio-worthy waterworks caress their heinie. We’re bum over noggin’ for Tushy’s classic bidet, because it can be installed in most toilets by complete handiwork cretins in 20 minutes, and gives you a lifetime of backdoor pampering. As one of VICE’s writers said in an honest review of the Tushy Classic, “owning a bidet doesn’t make you better than anyone else—it just brings you closer to god.”
Row their boat
The Ergatta rowing machine is a work of art. Crafted out of cherry wood and powered only by the waters of Poseidon and those sweet, meaty thighs of yours, the fitness apparatus is the kind of aspirational home gym piece we’ve been wanting for ages. It’s a pièce de strength training résistance, working all of your muscles however hard you would like as you get your Oxford-level row on. Or, they can take a casual, virtual trip downstream like a frog on a lily pad [passes joint]. It’s not cheap, but it also comes with a virtual workout screen and complimentary home installation by a professional, so all you have to do is smash that order button and get ready to work those glutes.
The world is their sauna
Or at least the backyard is with this sauna. One of our editors dreams of owning this baby, for the sake of posterity with his Finnish ancestors, as well as the possibility of steaming the pain away.
They’re an aging Deadhead
Honestly, same. Keep them anchored to the sands of time and space with this collaboration between the Grateful Dead and Nixon, who have brought only the best dancing skeletons and bears forward for these timepieces.
They’re obsessed with Michael Jordan
What’s better than the IRL Michael Jordan? A poseable, 90s-revived Team USA Jordan that comes with an extra dozen [toots air horn] hands for getting nothing but net, and endless hours of play time with your sweet B-ball nerd. This cult collectible is made by Japan's Medicom Toy company, which has dommed the collectible figurine game since the 90s on a globally coveted scale thanks to their insanely detailed creations. Don’t be surprised if your girl leaves you for him, once that Toy Story moment comes. Can you blame her?
The art book to rule all art books
This David Hockney art book by TASCHEN is so beautiful, and so massive, that it literally comes with its own piece of post-modern furniture to prop it up (here’s a more bite-sized take, if your budget is $25). There are only 9,000 of these tomes in the world, and the scale of the book gives you an unprecedented look into the artist’s 60-year career. It’s the closest you’ll get to sitting poolside for a chat with the legend himself.
The best luxury sex jewelry
Designer Betony Vernon has been crafting award-winning, erotic pieces of jewelry that double as veritable works of very horny art for decades. Normally, you’d probably have to make an appointment at her atelier in Italy to cop a studded silver choker or fluffy tickler ring, but 1stDibs started carrying a sweet selection of her creations. We’re very into this S&M cocktail (we repeat: COCKTAIL) ring.
Transport them to a Brazilian beach with this game
It’s not pickleball, it’s frescobol, darling. There’s a difference (frescobol is inherently hornier), so here’s an idea: Gift the fine-ass, sporty ~amado~ in your life a set of handcrafted, varnished frescobol paddles made with sustainably-sourced Brazilian wood, presented unto him or her in beachy thong, with the apartment heat cranked up to 98 degrees. We can practically feel the burning gaze of Christ the Redeemer on our backs, even all the way in Brooklyn. Hot.
A Kimye-worthy weekend jaunt
Photo: Plum Guide
You’ve probably been together long enough to have taken a soul-exploring jaunt (or five) to Joshua Tree, which is filled with incredible Airbnbs and rentals, but have you stayed at the desert’s latest residential jewel? This architecturally renowned pad is begging to be the center of a throwback MTV music video starring you, your hunny, and that Gila monster that won’t leave you alone out there. The home is complete with a 100-foot indoor pool, three massive (super king) beds to rough up, and sleeps up to six people so you can bring a whole crew of cuties out to trip balls and bond under the stars, should you choose.
Photo: Plum Guide
The Mirrored House; sleep up to 6, $5,221/night at Plum Guide
Cheers to the lucky ghoul who gets your heart during this holiday of love. (Hit us up if you book that Joshua Tree pad.)
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.