The Best Unique Valentine's Gifts That They'll Never See Coming

Alright, Valentine's Day is coming sooner than you think, you procrastinating jabroni. Try as we might to pretend that we're judging, the truth is that we've all been in Crunch Time before, desperately trying to identify a gift that will say just the right sweet nothings to our awaiting beloved, and none of the wrong ones. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with the ol' flowers, lingerie, and candy, some of us are a little freakier, and would rather have to watch the cringiest moments of Catfish: The TV Show for time eternal than come across as a boring, cliché know-nothing with our Valentine's Day gifts.

It's nearly February, meaning it's time to pull it together and order something that will arrive on time/won’t stress you out with shipping. But if you're blanking and in need of direction, here are 29 unapologetically, unique Valentine’s Day gift ideas for him, her, them, or whomever this year. A Grateful Dead beer sling? Check. Personalized erotica? Check. A bouquet of salami? Check. When we say unique, we mean it.

If you’ve never heard of Überlube, welcome. The silicone-based lubricant is one of the best luxury lubes out there, and has earned a 4.6-star average rating from over 38,000 ratings on Amazon for its ability to smooth your tube like a pro. As one reviewer writes, “[It’s] super silky feeling and is not sticky. A little goes a long way and is the best for backdoor play too.”

Wine subscriptions have long been a thing, but for the boo who likes the small, natural winemakers doing bodacious, biodynamic things, MYSA's wine club is key. 

We know that of course some peeps don't drink at all, but that doesn't mean they don't like trying new non-alcoholic bevs. Grab a Proxies subscription and let them try a grip of alcohol-free wines that offer the same highbrow sipping experience as traditional oenophilic endeavors.

Non-boring bouquets only, mate. Your boo can stop and smell the roses any day, but how often will they have the pleasure—the privilege—of smelling the saucisson? This triad of salami logs from Olympia Provisions is a symphony of meat from some of the sexiest corners of Europe, including Italy, France, and Spain.

For the cat owner for whom no accessory is too much, this cardboard izakaya where your cat can both scratch cardboard and bartend tiny bottles of Asahi is honestly genius.

The Balmuda is no ordinary toaster; it has a crazy steaming function that makes your toast caramelized and crisp on the outside, doughy and moist on the inside. Our food & kitchen writer, Adam Rothbarth, tested it and said it made the best toast he’s ever had. There's a reason it's internet-famous: It's pretty much magical. 

Have you seen sex toys lately? They’re beautiful. Sailor Moon-worthy, even. Why not anoint your beloved with this glass dildo, and strengthen your bond? It will look great on their nightstand.

As the old adage goes, you will certainly not regret eating 30 to 40 olives. Especially if they're Castelvetranos, the absolute best snacking variety. This is a gift that isn't for everyone, but is perfect for the right one. 

Are they always the "I can't remember my dream" type when you're trying to do cute subconscious-spelunking pillow talk in the morning? Get them this herb-infused tea that's supposed to ramp things up a little in the ol' REM realm. 

Do I make you horny, baby? How about after a few cups filled with this horny dust? Moon Juice’s Sex Dust features “a stimulating blend of adaptogens and herbs that target stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy.” Whet your whistle for some shatavari, shilajit, epimedium, schisandra, cacao, and maca. LFG!

No guarantee that it will be a banger, but surely it will be a slapper in spirit. 

A real cute gift for your sweetheart who loves Elden Ring and/or Doomsday prepping, but definitely not to be given to anyone whom you have even a minute chance of cheating on (and them finding out). 

We love Compartés. We love chocolate. We love (most) vegans. Whether your special someone is actually plant-based or just loves good chocolate, try out this fun box.

A cookie for your cookie? Yes.

A fave party activity of our senior staff writer, this invigorating and oddly sexy board game will zap you if you're too slow, sucker. 

They wanted a muscle man, and they got you. But they can have it all! 

What?! These are good! You can do a sexy, cheese-drippin’ burger night, or make a pickle pizza, or just feed these to each other in bed like you’re George Costanza.

They used to love Cro-Mags and Madball, now they’re all about chasing around Dead & Co. whenever they get the chance. Bestow your lucky giftee with this Grateful Dead apron from Hedley & Bennett. It’s the perfect Deadhead gift for that dude/dudette who will always run on Jerry Time.

They love oat milk like it's their child, live off almond milk lattes, and have recently gotten into making cashew cheese in their Vitamix blender. We love the Almond Cow, and anybody who could get into making their own nut milk will as well.

Swoon. Those Cocteau Twins records are gonna sound amazing on this beaut record player that one of our staffers called, “[an] excellent record player for mid- to serious-level collectors” in her VICE review. It’s easy to put together, connects to your own speakers (either by Bluetooth or a provided cable) and keeps the dust away with its transparent cover.

For the boo who lives to shred and has IBS, this vintage Bepto Bismol shredder is the dreams are made of.

For the shower podcast-listener or Frank Ocean crooner, this nifty, waterproof Bluetooth speaker installs by suction, and has great sound quality according to over 5,200 (mostly glowing) reviews.

Want to feel like you’re in the second season of The White Lotus (with all of the riches and none of the treachery)? Of course you do. Look no further than this very ~aesthetic~ coffee maker by the iconic Italian design house Alessi.

This XXL Taschen book is for fans of science fiction, artists looking for inspiration, or just people who like to get worked up at the sight of loincloths and alien babes.

Do you love someone who can’t stop fidgeting? Do you worry about how they behave in video calls? Just want them to stop making noise while you’re watching TV? Get ‘em some Crags ferrite putty—it’s basically silly putty, but made out of magnets!

Here’s an idea: take your hunny to beautiful park, and slide this fashionable flask on her wrist during sunset. There’s no better way to enjoy a Baja Blast à emporter.

The porron—aka a beautiful, glass wine pitcher with a tiny spout so you can pour the juice into your mouth from way up above—is one of those things that’s so dang cool that it seems like you’re not even allowed to own one at home. But you are! And when your special someone busts it out at their next dinner party (which hopefully you will also be at), people will lose their damn minds.

They live and breathe matcha cookie rolls, would die for yuzu drinks, and are addicted to mochi. This is the Umamicart subscription gift box for them. For about $120 clams, you can get them three whole months of eclectic snackeronis. 

Nothing but love for our President, Pammy.

Congrats on being the most creative partner ever. Enjoy the cred.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.