Unless you’ve been living under a rock like the rest of our goblincore crushes, you’ve probably heard whispers about Amazon Prime Day, the biggest two-day sales event of the year on the massive retail site. This time around, the Bezos-palooza is happening on July 12 and July 13, and you’ll find massive discounts on big-ticket items including Apple watches, kitchen appliances, and other investments we’d probably never buy without those generously slashed prices. [Casper mattress has entered the chat.] It’s such a big deal in the world of online shopping that Prime Day inspires a whole smorgasbord of sales from non-Amazon sites slinging everything from sex toys to best-selling linen sheets, so be sure to check out those if you’re not the Amazon-shopping type.
In layman’s terms: ‘Tis the season for fingerlicking, sauced-out deals on everything your heart could desire, whether it’s practical goods you seek or stuff that absolutely no one needs (but we can’t live without). For as many name brand and clout items as there are on Amazon, you’ll find thrice as many freaky treats for those of us who want to roll up in a tortilla-print blanket, wear elf ear headphones on the subway, and unleash a jar of cursed farts on a cop (true story; read on). And while we may not always be able to justify purchasing a big baguette pillow, the bananas Prime Day deals are our green light for smashing the order button on some of the wildest, most unique, and genuinely rad stuff on the site.
Gather your Furbies, and let’s shop.
This breakfast-sandwich-making robot
This is the version of the future we deserve, damnit. Our hard-working, late-capitalist buns deserve the kind of hybrid egg cooker and layered toaster appliance that makes life worth living, and this one is 26% off. Imagine the combos you could make with this baby, from ham-egg-and-Gruyère sammies to black bean burgers and more. It has a 4.5-star average rating from over 29,300 reviews on Amazon, where one user assures us that, “FAM. I need you to lissssssen. I would give this product 87 stars if I could,” while another writes, “IT IS A LITTLE MACHINE THAT MAKES EGG MCMUFFINS WHY HAVE YOU NOT 1-CLICKED IT YET.” Preach.
The human chalupa
“Purrrrfect for me and my cat to cuddle together,” writes one Amazon reviewer of this 20% off tortilla-inspired throw. “His name is taco, and I made him a purrito.” It has a 4.8-star average rating from over 55,000 reviews on Amazon, which means that we could populate an entire French village with satisfied owners of the chalupa-worthy blanky.
It came from outer space
Proof that weird can be chic. We love us a personality lamp, and this two-headed treasure is 42% off and feels like it sprang from the sea, if the sea were really into mid-century modern furniture. (Yes, we have watched The Abyss recently… Why do you ask?) It would also be perfect in a living room, bedroom, or any place in your home that needs to send the message that you have great taste, and you’re into butt stuff.
Do not disturb
It’s the subtlety of these 20% off horny door hangers that we appreciate most. “Me and my roommate use them instead of socks to get the point across,” writes one Amazon reviewer.
A face stress ball
Stressed out? Ennui working double time during the Zoom call? Turn that frown upside down with this, ehrm, human face ball. “Love it!” writes one Amazon reviewer. “It’s like a fidget spinner for destructive people when we’re bored.” Squish it while it’s 20% off.
Let’s get this bread
I bought this bread pillow when it wasn’t 37% off, and it was still worth it. It’s the ultimate testament to my love for crunchy bâtard loaves (not that anyone was asking) and the best way to say gluten morgen every day. It’s also hella comfy, and the perfect shape for going behind your neck or lower back.
Make “Liquid Ass” your hidden superpower
“Sprayed this around my school,” writes one fan of this 42% off fart-in-a-jar-esque solution on Amazon, where it has earned a 4.6-star average rating from over 33,800 reviews. “It was evacuated because they thought there was leaking sewage. How to get out of school 11/10.” Another customer said it helped get them out of a speeding ticket, writing that “the policeman walks toward my vehicle, [so] I sprayed about five squirts. He gets to my window and asks me to get out. I said, ‘I can’t!’ [and] he immediately stops in his tracks and he says lawd… what’s that? The look on his face was priceless.”
This satisfying cleaning putty
If you, too, spend the last waking moments of your day binging these kinds of ASMR YouTube videos, then this clever putty is the cleaning product of your lucid slime dreams. The gel has over 43,300 reviews on Amazon, is 42% off, and many folks say it’s the trick to getting those hard-to-reach crevices in their cars clean to showroom perfection. “If you like it not just clean but super clean, get this,” writes one reviewer. “It’s very satisfying.”
There is no other way to listen to Enya, my elven friend. (Especially at 25% off.)
The best way to protect your food in the office fridge
[Armie Hammer has entered the chat.] In the words of one Amazon reviewer, this 48% off lunch box can hold “a frozen Gatorade, Monster energy drink, a roast beef sandwich, trail mix, [a] small PBJ sandwich, yogurt, and two cheese sticks. Now I just need some human organs!”
A cereal bowl candle
We just know that lighting this cereal bowl candle would transport our senses to the kitchen at Milk Bar, and swaddle our nose in the comforting childhood aromas of Cheerios, Lucky Charms, and fresh baked cookies—but it may just be too cool to burn. At 20% off, we’ll be scooping one for us and next year’s White Elephant party.
A cult is forming around this chicken bag
Blessed be the egg. Raise your talons to the sky for the almighty chicken bag, whose loyal following has been detailed in this VICE article, and whose disciples are flocking to the coup by the hour to bring it home at 20% off. It’s not just a bag—it’s a lifestyle.
Happy Prime Day, you deranged beasts.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.