Are You Getting Any? Sleeping With Women Changed My Life

Dylan, 28, realised that sex with men doesn't fulfil them at all.

Welcome to 'Are You Getting Any?', a column that asks a generation rumoured not to fuck if they in fact fuck.

Dylan, 28

Frequency of sex: 6/10
Intimacy levels: 8/10
How do you feel generally about the people you fuck: 8-10/10
How happy are you with the amount of time you have for sex: 3/10

VICE: When was the last time you had sex?
Dylan:
Believe it or not, it was actually this morning. It's an interesting situation, because it's with one of my exes

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Generally speaking, how do you feel about sleeping with exes?
I usually have this rule of once it's over, it’s over and I have a period of time where I don't talk to them so I can retrain my brain to associate them as a friend. With this particular ex, it's been really challenging to do that, because, this is going to sound so lame, but I definitely feel like we're soulmates. But I like to be an optimist about relationships because in the past, if a relationship didn't work out, I always felt like that was a reflection on me and it didn’t work out because of something I did. 

How do you view sex? 
Well, this is a huge question for me. I'm going to get fully comfy for this one because my relationship with sex has evolved and shifted. I grew up in a Christian home and I’d always joke that I grew up in a cult. But no, there were just strong rules and regulations and ethics about sex, so that ingrained this deep-seated shame towards sex and that me wanting to have it was sinful and wrong. Even now, I still struggle with that. But as I've evolved and grown even more, I've realised that sex with men or penises doesn't fulfil me at all. When I got out of one of my last relationships and I started sleeping with women, it changed my life. Now there's no longer so much of a sense of guilt with sex.

Growing up, Dylan struggled with feelings of shame around sex.

Do you find yourself only sleeping with people who identify as women now?
For the moment. I’m non-binary and I’ve only been sleeping with women or non-binary people. But I haven’t touched a penis in a long time and have no real desire to. It's interesting because as soon as I realised I was non-binary, I’m like gender is fluid and sexuality is fluid and if I connect with someone, I connect with someone. But I am very attracted to people and their energies. But I don’t know there’s still some fear there. 

From past experiences? 
Definitely. The only times where I have felt unsafe during sex is with men, so I guess I just haven't felt comfortable to put myself back into a situation where I would be having sex with them. Regardless of if it's a one night stand, or whatever, it’s such a vulnerable activity to partake in. 

Where do you meet the people you sleep with? 
Honestly, anywhere, at cafes or in passing on the street. I flirt with pretty much everyone. I don't engage in dating apps, but I used to when I was younger. I think [dating apps] are a great tool to explore a new city, though. There was a period of time where I was going on dates from like Hinge and Tinder and I found myself just feeling like I was dating myself because you're kind of having the same conversations, like what do you do for work – it feels like an interview. You feel like you’re getting to know yourself rather than other people.

Dylan's experiences on dating apps were unfulfilling.

The British Medical Journal research says that our generation is having less sex than generations before. One of the explanations given for that is social media, which could include dating apps. What do you think about that?
It's interesting when a product comes out for the purpose of people having more sex, like dating apps, and yet it’s done more of a flip and become this shield. The circles that I hang around and people that I spend a lot of time with, they're all queer, they're all very open, like polyamorous people in throuples, so I'm under the impression that everyone's having sex all of the time. But I'm not surprised to hear that statistic, since there is such a focus on instant gratification with those apps. If you look a certain way, people will like you and then once you've got that, it's like that's all you really needed. These apps are kind of holding people back from reaching their potential, conversationally, because it's like a safety net. 

People aren’t putting in work?There's been times where I've been out at a day party or an event and people are like, “Oh, my God, that person is so hot” but they'll jump on their phone and try and find them on the dating app. You could just go straight up to them and say something. Instead, it's like," “I'm going to try and find them on an app to say, hey”, and then try and build a conversation from there and then build them up to be something that they're not in your mind. Then when you do go on a date with them, and they're not the person that you imagine them to be, you're disappointed and you don't even go home with them. That's probably why people aren't having sex, because these dating apps are mirrors for whatever you want to project onto them.

So you’d say dating apps are making us present ourselves less authentically? 
I know it’s funny to relate this to star signs, but Instagram profiles and dating apps are all like your sun sign. They're what you aspire to be but the reality is, we have a whole chart of other things. We have our moon sign, which is our emotions, we have our rising, which is what we present to the world. Instead we’re buying into this product of people that we've moulded. So of course, when you take it home and try it on for size if it doesn't fit, right, because it's different to the picture that was advertised and you're going to be disappointed. That’s really actually made me feel a bit sad that we're not having that much sex. It’s such a beautiful thing to explore. 

Are you enjoying your exploration of sex?
Yeah, my relationship with sex is definitely starting to shift and evolve in a really positive way. But it's such a shame that it's taken me 28 years to get here. It's so nice to see these younger generations being so active about having conversations about sex being safe and removing stigmas about STDs as well. Obviously, there's still room to grow but I do think we're heading in the right direction in terms of making it a more transparent part of life.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

@nanasbaah / @dylan.tarbett

Tagged:

Dating, LGBTQ, nonbinary, Are You Getting Any?

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