PHOTO BY KIMBERLY KANE
KIMBERLY KANE’S BEEN BLACKMALED
Vivid.com Fuck me already with all the times I’ve had to plug a Kimberly Kane movie just so I can tell you that at some point in my lifetime VBS will supposedly air my four-part Skinema exposé on Ms. Kane and her sexy exploits. What is this, like, the ninth time I’ve told you the show will be airing and then it doesn’t? At this point, I would just ignore me telling you anything about it anymore. I feel like Charlie Brown going to kick the fucking football, and every time VICE just yanks it out from in front of me and I land flat on my back with mud on my face. Why are they stalling? Fuck if I know. After bothering to watch the episodes, one of the VICE bigwigs said, “Wow, this is really entertaining.” No shit, Sherlock. That’s what I’ve been telling you for years. That was six months ago. Still hasn’t aired. In case you can’t read the fine print on the cover, this video is “Miss Kane’s very first DP & Interracial Sex Scene Ever!” If this were a comic book you’d want to keep it polybagged and unopened so it would retain its value. Swinging from two black curtain rods is a very special moment in a young girl’s life, much like her Sweet 16 and first abortion, but don’t expect to hear any mention of it in my show because this is Ms. Kane’s newest movie and I FUCKING WRAPPED FILMING TWO YEARS AGO! For all I know, Kimberly Kane is recently dead or retired. I guess I should google it and slide it into the credits of the last episode if that’s the case. I’ve repeatedly said with all certainty that Apocalypse Now had an easier time being made than this Skinema show, but now I’m willing to bet that building both Rome and the Egyptian pyramids involved less labor than getting it aired. I’m not really sure why since everyone loves sex, porn is one of the biggest demographics in entertainment, and screwball comedies with titties are always a home run. Perhaps racism is the reason? Could it be VICE is racist against Portuguese men from New Jersey? One can’t help but assume so, given the high level of racism that still exists in porn, when a girl’s porn application lists boy-girl and interracial separately. (In an unrelated thought, since porn is all about spoofs and interracial movies right now I was thinking they should do a remake called Last Mandingo In Paris and have a black fellow play the role of Marlon Brando.) I remember one girl many years ago telling me she’d do anything on film, even attempt to put three wieners in her butt… just no black guys. I don’t know what’s wrong with people. Or VICE. It’s almost 2012. Can we please get our shit together already? More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.