Yesterday, "Big" David Cameron announced some unfeasible, short-sighted plans to crack down on encrypted messaging services such as WhatsApp and Snapchat on the off-chance that terrorists might use them to plan domestic attacks. "Are we going to allow a means of communications which it simply isn't possible to read?" he said yesterday. "My answer to that question is: 'No, we must not.'" Not really sure terror cells are planning attacks by snapchatting pictures of themselves with a Santa beard and a caption like "lol fancy doing a nailbomb" but I'll be honest: I've never planned any sort of large-scale terrorist attack.
Anyway, yesterday we asked you – yeah, you: the one who's always going off on one in the comments – to send us your Snapchat messages for David Cameron. Obviously we had tons of videos which we couldn't screenshot (but I'll try to draw a picture in your mind: they were all six seconds of someone saying "FUCK OFF"), but anyway: here's the best of the rest.
If you want to send any Snapchats of your own to us/David Cameron, do it via the handle shoutatcameron.
FIZZ ISN'T HAPPY
Big props for using your cat to get your message across. Much more pleasant to look at on a cold Wednesday morning that someone's actual hairy balls.
SOME HAIRY BALLS
Ah yes, some bollocks. The simple message seems to be that David Cameron must put these bollocks in his mouth as personal penance for what is proving to be an unpopular prospective Conservative policy. But look close and there's a lot more going on here. The three exclamation marks suggest the possessor of this dissident ballsack really feels strongly about the issue of digital privacy. As far as I'm aware, "light-peeking-through-a-drawn-back-duvet-cover" isn't one of the Snapchat filter options, so the complexion of the image suggests it was quite cold in the room the balls were being photographed in, so cold that the ball-haver didn't want to get their legs out. The scant amount of pubes on show suggests it is a man who trims regularly – perhaps because he's the kind of guy who will gladly send a picture of his own bare balls to a multinational media company.
You've got three central messages going on here: the "thumbs down", traditional NVC indicating negativity; the words "Naughty Cameron", which sort of sounds like the Prime Minister is being judged by Santa; and then you've got, scrawled in blood red, "U CAN'T CENSOR US". Take that, Davey C.
On the other side of the nuanced Snapchat political messaging spectrum, we've got this: a cheerily blunt middle-fingering.
Slightly less cheery, this one. Quite menacing, actually. Weird thing going on with the thumb. Wouldn't want to be in David Cameron's shoes when he sees this.
In a way, this is my favourite: the classic "You what, mate" coupled with the I'll-fight-you-in-a-pub-car-park-mate-I-don't-give-a-shit-about-my-parole expression makes me suspect the sender would literally batter David Cameron to save Snapchat. If I ever have to start a ruck in a pool hall, I want this dude on my side.
Subversive, this one. The tit says, "Yeah, I know what Snapchat is for – Snapchat is for sending pictures of your junk to people." But it's also saying, "But I don't want you to see my junk, David Cameron, at least not in an arousing way." The invitation to suck on the nip isn't a pleasant one; it's more a humiliating punishment that Cameron must endure for suggesting an encryption crackdown. Can we get this sendee and their tit sat across from David Cameron on Newsnight and make him suck nip live on BBC Two, please? Can someone organise this? Who's got a number for Charlie Brooker?
An interesting effort – strong messaging on a completely different topic to the one we were asking for your hot takes on. But then maybe there is something there: maybe David Cameron could figure out a way to enforce encryption laws only on those dolts who send rambling, minute-long Snapchats about their fucking walk to the bus stop and leave everyone who sends decent content the hell alone.
A FUNNY JOKE
This actually made me laugh because if you imagine every picture from Nick Clegg Looking Sad is taken directly after he's seen a harrowing dickpic then it gives the whole Tumblr an extra layer of humour. A very thin layer, but a layer nonetheless.
I don't know what the word "egg" is doing in there.
These days, in Scotland, "Enough of your pish, David" is a strong enough motto to actually launch a political campaign on, guys. (I am assuming these people are Scottish because "pish" and facial hair.) The Thumbs-Down Cat Emoji Leopard-Print Onesie Party are guaranteed to have my vote.
This would actually make an incredible neon sign.
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