IN CINEMAS: HALL PASS
I hate to repeat myself, but if Hollywood directors are going to keep writing scripts where fat middle-aged men are married to insanely beautiful women then I'm going to keep talking shit about their movies on the internet. Hall Pass is the latest disaster to have sprung from the brains of the possibly-once-good-but-it-was-so-long-ago-I-literally-can't-remember Farrelly brothers. It manages an even more offensive spin on the fat guys with fit wives trend by trying to make us sympathise with the poor cunts because they can't go out and get all the teenage pum they'd definitely get if only they didn't have to stay in on Wednesdays with their arm around wifey. Excuse me, Jason Sudeikis, while I wipe the spittle off my unimpressed chin, break into your house, and tell Christina Applegate things that make her remember how beautiful she really is.
IN CINEMAS: THE RESIDENT
The trailer for The Resident opens with the breathtakingly mundane 'fact' that 'IN EVERY CITY, THOUSANDS OF WOMEN LIVE BY THEMSELVES'. I know, unbelievable right? Just how do they open particularly tight jars and figure out what a fuse is? Still, if there's one thing they can manage on their own, it's misguidedly becoming friends with the rapist from Watchmen and then becoming a victim of his possibly (or possibly not) supernatural attacks. To know for sure I'd have to unzip this torrent I downloaded and I haven't really got time what with all the tearing my own arm off I've still got to do.
FINALLY! ANOTHER 'SIDEWAYS GLANCE' AT THE SUPERHERO GENRE
Hey, remember Kick-Ass? Remember it had a hyphen in its name and was quite funny in a sort of I-hope-I-never-have-to-sit-through-this-again type way? Well get ready for more of exactly the same as Super comes flying at your beleaguered attention span with a "knowing irony" that's become so commonplace in superhero films now that sincerity is the most subversive thing you could possibly strive for. It's decided to overload our tedium sensors by double-troping and casting Rainn Wilson as the man who has to win back HIS WIFE LIV TYLER by proving that he's a better man than Kevin Bacon by putting on some tights and getting up to all sorts.
CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEOS AHOY
Charlie 'clearly mentally ill' Sheen has been offered a walk-on part in The Hangover: Part II. Do you think people will get bored of him soon, or will he die first?