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Whitehall Is Closed Off Because a Naked Man Climbed Up a Statue and Threw a Sword at Police

We went down to investigate.
Matt Shea
London, GB

At approximately noon today, a man climbed on top of a statue on Whitehall in London, got naked and began spitting and shouting obscenities at the police, who immediately cordoned off the entire street.

“He keeps inappropriately humping the horse in different ways,” said someone I spoke to at the scene. “Nearly every hour, on the hour, he’s stood on top of the horse and spread his arms out like a crucified Jesus Christ.”


Another passer-by I spoke to told me that he “took out a knife and cut the sword off of the statue.” Which he then proceeded to throw at the police below.

“I was startled by his small penis,” said a university student I spoke to. “I saw it from all the way over here – it was very small. I’m a physics major, so judging from the building’s scale and his body, which was maybe 5 foot 10 ten, I would say he had roughly a three and a half to four inch penis – flaccid. He was medium shaven but had a spot of brown hair, with a little bit of red in it.”

I spoke to some police, too. They wouldn't talk to me about his penis, but they did helpfully say that they "have no idea why he did this. We don’t know if he was protesting or not.”

After two hours, negotiating teams arrived, and 45 minutes later he was convinced to come down and was promptly placed in an ambulance and driven away. Despite this, Whitehall remained closed.

When asked what was delaying Whitehall’s re-opening, a policeman told me that “the forensics team was looking for something he’s spat out onto the ground”.

While we quickly identified the substance as saliva, officers warned us that this could be a far more serious threat to the seat of Great Britain’s government than that: “You can spit anything out of your mouth. You put something in your mouth, then you spit it out.”

Thanks, guys.

Local restaurant employees were unable to comment due to confidentiality agreements that they are required to sign in order to operate on Whitehall. His motivation for doing this remains unknown. All that we do know is that he is Romanian.

The empty-handed statue after its sword had been cut off.

Photos by Jake Lewis.

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