You guys, the American election tonight, is like, sooo important. My editors have been totally stressed about it all day – "Who is going to be the new leader of the Free World?" they keep whispering to each other. "The cool guy, or the fool guy?" Then they start cackling like hyenas. I don't know for sure, but I think this is the kind of political "satire" that always goes over my head whenever I watch Mock The Week.
So it’s Tuesday evening and I know I should be trying to decide which no-bread sandwich to have for dinner, but I’m getting really distracted by not knowing what colour underwear I should be wearing this evening – Republican red or Democrat blue? In order to stop everyone in the office giving me evils when I rebuke their election-related questions with my (highly-practiced) withering eye-roll, I thought I’d take a minute to find out who I should be voting for.
No, I know what you're thinking, but that doesn’t entail conducting extensive research into the respective candidate's policies (too obvious). It entails logging on to Twitter and seeing who the people I idolised as a child are voting for. I suggest that anyone reading this who is eligibile to vote does the same. Politics is so much easier this way.
DION FROM 'CLUELESS' IS VOTING FOR: MITT ROMNEY!
Stacy Dash has not only consistently hammered home her support of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, she’s done so while showing off an impressive amount of side-boob. In an interview with Piers Morgan, Dash acknowledged that her Republican support had won her like, 40,000 new followers on Twitter, which I guess is the bold move to gain new fans among the political right that Obama hasn't seemed willing to make. For this, she recieved a personal phone call from Ryan about how much his party valued her support.
"Governor Romney is the best choice to be our next President," she said the other day, after posing with Ryan. I'm not going to quote anything else she said, because none of it is very interesting, but who knows, maybe he's her step-brother and she wants to watch Pinky & The Brain with him or something.
Hey Dion, hun, just 'cause you're the only virgin left in Beverly Hills, doesn't mean that Tai and Cher aren't gonna need birth control and emergency contraception some day soon, does it? Your man's policies on abortion are way retrogressive. Like, medieval. Perhaps I’m being harsh, but having spent so much of her life basking in the glow of that cult classic film, maybe Dash just feels more aligned with a party that are unashamed and honest about how totally fucking clueless they are.
SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS VOTING FOR: MITT ROMNEY!
Next on my list of slightly aged American teen icons is Melissa Joan Hart. If you don't remember MJH, she was basically the queen of Disney before they started manufacturing pop bands from the offspring of Christian electroshock therapists and leftover bits of face harvested from sociopaths. Now, she is a devoted mother of three. (Or four, if you include her brute of a husband. Sobs for Harvey Kinkle, you guys.)
So anyway, turns out Sabriney has decided to vote Republican and she wants everyone to know about it! Joan Hart even started her own self-referential #hashtag to hammer her point home.
Sure MJH, you probably have alienated a lot of female and gay fans, leaving only the three of four straight males who can appreciate your magic, but don’t listen to the haters, because now that you’re a Republican you’re allowed to hate them right back!
If you need some tips on how many of your new Republican friends' brains might work, just remember this: basically, Obama’s Salem and Romney’s Libby. Sure, maybe Salem’s smarter, cooler and cuddlier, but he’s a black cat, and for them, that just won’t do.
LINDSAY LOHAN IS VOTING FOR: SHE DOESN'T KNOW
Oh Lindsay, you’re so confusing, how are you supposed to make up my mind for me when it's nearly impossible to keep up with your constantly fluctuating political standpoint? A few weeks ago, Lindsay tweeted that she was supporting Mitt, because “unemployment is really important right now”. Whether or not she landed on Romney because, like her, he abstains from drinking alcohol (vodka out of an Evian bottle doesn’t count, didn’t your mother teach you anything?) is unclear.
The tweet was widely reported on in the press, because news doesn’t really get more important than that, but in the aftermath Lindsay promptly deleted it and repositioned her support behind Obama. She did this without explanation. Maybe she picked up some pointers on flip-flopping from the Republican man? Or maybe it’s because she overheard that thing Romney said about 47 percent of the country supporting Obama because they're criminals who shirk income tax? Or maybe she freaked out because she's a party girl, and Romney’s vision for America is distinctly lacking in gay weddings (AKA the best parties).
I don't know. It's impossible to tell what goes on in that head of hers. Like whichever part of space Kolob resides in, it is a hidden universe.
Looks like I’m voting Romney then, I guess. You can’t really argue with the swell of excitement and optimism that a fresh surge of Twitter followers brings, and I guess if I ever need to have an abortion, getting it done on the black market is at least kind of scandalous and exciting, in a "might-die-bleeding-in-a-back-alley" kind of way.
Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes