Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of 1 to RACIST, with “1” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.
– I want all Asian girls to know I love them. I am a huge fan of your culture, your intense need to emotionally abuse your children in order to ensure their future success, and your food! To show you how much I care, I have decided to post this video that expresses all of my deep, complex, thoughtful emotions on your proud traditions:
Don’t you feel better about yourselves now?
Oh… wait. You don’t like this song? You don’t want someone to “tofu all over you”? What about the part that references your “slanted eyes”? Still bad? Huh…
What if I said this song was satirical? Would that help?
OK, I guess this video is actually pretty RACIST
– Everyone always tells me, “Dave, NFL players are not racist. How could they be? They spend so much time hanging out with people of different ethnicities. By definition, they are totally accepting of all the colours of the rainbow.” It’s totally true that NFL players are saints who can do no wrong… unless they are drunk at a country music concert. In which case, they will want to “fight every ni**er” they see.
Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Riley Cooper felt that insatiable urge to say the N-word at, of all places, a Kenny Chesney concert. The irony of his comment is that the security guard he'd just tried to assault was probably the only black person for 100 miles.
Cooper apologised, which makes him a real-life “accidental racist,” I guess.
When a public figure is caught saying something racist, their first instinct is always to say they are “disgusted with themselves.” They’re all like, “I am ashamed!” Usually, I’m ashamed when I take the last slice of pizza without asking. At least I got a slice of delicious pizza out of the bargain. Not sure what Riley Cooper got by saying the N-word, other than a nice, fat suspension, and probably also a shit tonne of pranks at his expense after practice. Riley, promise me you won’t ask your teammates why there are eyeholes cut in your nice, clean, white towel. Just accept it. RACIST
– Charles Rangel, congressman and person who likes to say crazy things, decided to go off on the Tea Party, which is sort of like complaining about how Eminem lyrics are ruining society. We get it. More troubling is his need to refer to them as “crackers.” A “cracker” is a bland, salted delivery device for cheese. A member of the Tea Party is surely salty. Some of them are quite bland. A delivery device for cheese? Surely you jest! 6
Photo by Flickr User GageSkidmore
– Crazy ratchet female and twerk-master, Ann Coulter receives this week’s Ann Coulter Award for Excellence in Racism for yet again making race relations in America all about her neverending grudge against anyone who dares say a nice thing about a Democrat. Coulter’s shrill, obnoxious chum Bill O’Reilly had the audacity to claim that Robert Kennedy did more work than anyone to advance the cause of civil rights in America.
Perhaps O’Reilly was being hyperbolic with his statement, but is that enough for Coulter to ignore the countless racist southern officials Kennedy prosecuted, his decision to enforce the federal order integrating the University of Mississippi, and his many speeches demanding equal opportunity for African-Americans? Coulter actually claimed that Kennedy “did nothing” to integrate the University of Mississippi, which is just a flat-out lie. She even cites the letter Kennedy sent to school enforcing the court ruling. Of course, Kennedy is a huge pussy for not integrating until the court ruled, even though that’s how our government works. Ann Coulter loves claiming that anyone expressing the opinion that racism still exists is tearing the country apart, while also simultaneously telling us all how 50 percent of the electorate is evil and stupid. Let's not forget about how patronising it is for a bunch of white people to fight over which group of white people was the first to acknowledge the basic humanity of black people.
Oh, and I also literally peed my pants when Coulter said the following: “Americans don't read anymore. You watch cable news and fill your heads with nonsense history and false facts.” God, the irony is burning my eyeballs 8
@YesYoureRacist’s Ten Most Racist Retweets of the Week [all grammar sic'd]:
10. @BKSEIS: I'm not racist but the black ghetto people on Maury make me want too shoot myself
9. @ashmillihar: Not racist but these be*ners are making it impossible not to be
8. @OhDearNikki: I swear im not racist but Asian people cannot fucking drive! Come on man we all know
7. @loganstax: I'm no racist but minorities have way too much pride, our president is black… you're not the underdogs anymore quit acting like it
6. @kanyebeeson: ni**er literally means ignorant. In the dictionary
5. @nuuuut: I'm not a racist but hate being surrounded by Korean people
4. @HarderByNature: I'm not a racist…but the moment I found out she was down for the brown, she ceased to be hot.
3. @AmberKaplan: I'm not racist but my mom is so I'm entitled to be racist when it comes to being attracted to guys
2. @SouthsPrincess: I'm not racist but me and all my friends and family were raised not to mix races.
1. @ChunkTC: I'm not a racist but the media makes you think racism is still a big issue. They want you to believe it is.
Previously: George Zimmernan Isn't White