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Everything We Know About Glastonbury So Far

All the confirmed artists, line-up rumours and other bullshit you need.

af sam wolfson
03 marts 2014, 10:39am

Photo by Jake Lewis

It's barely March, but we're already getting gassed about Glastonbury. It feels so childish, like those asshole kids who refuse to go to sleep because they're too excited about going to Disneyland - unaware that the whole trip was only booked so as to soften the blow of mummy and daddy's divorce announcement.

But we can't help it, the thought of having a mid-afternoon K-hole to some North African jazz, of wandering into a mayan temple constructed out of scaffolding and rejected charity shop clothes, of sprinkling MDMA on our ostrich burgers, or making out with someone who hasn't brushed their teeth in four days. We want it now.

There's been some fairly big line-up hints already. As ever with Glastonbury, people get way too hyped about incredible bands playing (Outkast, Prince, Fleetwood Mac) whereas the reality is always more dissapointing, a sort of parade of Edith Bowman approved indie acts and old legends who aren't quite big enough to demand the V Festival big bucks. As ever, none of that matters because the best thing you'll see all weekend is at 10am at the solar powered Croissant Neuf stage and even that was just an acid and laughing gas based hallucination you had in your tent.

Anywho, as the line-up starts to come together. Here's what we know so. Let's start with...



There are some things that aren't that exciting in real life but at Glastonbury are better than life itself. Those things include: dry socks, ketamine, somewhere to sit down, having someone to hold you at eight in the morning, and Dolly Parton. Most of the year, hearing "9 to 5" through a soundsystem is a sign that it's time to leave Wetherspoons and go home. But the thought of camp campers doing the do-si-do in their macs feels right, as does "Jolene" and "I Will Always Love You" being wept by thousands of hippies on a comedown.

It's been confirmed that Disclosure have a decent spot, which is good news for those getting slightly sick of Fatboy Slim, Chemical Brothers, Basement Jaxx and Massive Attack on rotation every bloody year as if the Other stage was just "all back to mine" at Terry Christian's flat. Saying that, Massive Attack look like they'll be headlining too. Warpaint will also be play, pleasing fans of swaying gently while reminiscing about the summer of 2010. Lily Allen will be doing her festival set, so you'll no doubt get to hear a trap version of "Somewhere Only We Know" at some point.


Kasabian were quite fun when they headlined the second stage at Reading about 10 years ago and it felt like a bunch of Northern chancers on pills trying to recreate an old Mike Pickering set on guitars, but after rising to huge success by the virture that there has been no one else avaliable, we now never want to hear "Club Foot" again, ever, for the rest of our days. Here is a joke about Kasabian:

Why does the guitarist from Kasabian never use the taxi service Uber?

Because it's always Serge pricing.

Arcade Fire have also been confirmed. Which is good, we guess?There's loads of them on stage and they all kind of muck about and swap instruments, it sounds a bit like the montage at the end of a football game. Kind of over it TBH.


Miles Kane is a strong rumour.

Other people who are basically confirmed and we would probably watch providing we had the right drugs include Blondie (cocaine), Bondax (cheap speed), Klaxons (past its sell-by mephedrone), Manic Street Preachers (heroin), The Horrors (heroin) and Craig Charles (lethal injection).

Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamWolfson

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