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The Noisey Christmas Gift Guide for 2015

From your mum to your ex to your work secret Santa, we've figured out exactly what you need to buy everyone this Christmas!

af Emma Garland, Ryan Bassil, Joe Zadeh, og Sam Wolfson
11 november 2015, 1:01pm

Happy Christmas, war is over!! That’s what a little known artist called John Lennon once said, and while there may have been countless wars and bloodshed since, you can’t argue that he was right about one thing: Christmas is bloody happy, isn’t it!?

But if there’s anything that could make Christmas unhappy (sob! sob!), it’s a bad present. So stay away from the Borat mankinis, Guinness boxer shorts, head massagers, nano drones, candy g-strings, self-stirring mugs, and t shirts that say “I Don’t Get Drunk, I Get Awesome” this year, because Noisey has got you more covered than your nan’s tree, with a little gift we like to call: the gift of music!!!

That’s right, below you will find a selection of music themed prezzies that comprise the present buyer’s ultimate get of jail card. So, if you’re in the market for something to warm the cockles of the loved ones in your life, then roll right into our grotto of awesome, fine-tuned Xmas goody ideas. Merry Christmas, everybody… War is ongoing!!!!

FOR MUM

What do you get the woman that has everything? That’s what you should write in the card, because she’ll really like that. Mum’s are notoriously difficult to buy for, especially during a year when there is no Adele album. 2008 was easy, because there was an Adele album. 2011? Also easy, there was an Adele album. But what about this year? Well, hey, come a little closer and let Noisey fill you in on a little secret: Adele will be releasing a new album on November 20 called 25, and you can pre-order it right here. Shhh!


FOR DAD

Your Dad loves Christmas. “Just get me one of those deodrant box-sets”, he’s saying, “That’ll do me” He’s been getting into the rigmarole of Christmas for so long now - as the red jacket man; as the chief decorator of the jingle cave; as the head turkey carver - that he’s content with just kicking back and inhaling peanuts with reckless abandon. “Gifts”, he says, “are pointless” next to his gluttonous feasting on the merry morsels of Christmas cheer. But not this year. This year your Dad deserves more, because there is a darkness that lurks behind that brave and sustained cheer. For those long walks home from the pub on Boxing Day? For those moments when he’s quietly sobbing to himself about how he and “your mum once loved each other” while locked in the bathroom pretending to try out those new shaving products? For all the lonely drives back from the football throughout the rest of the year when his team loses the match and Coldplay can’t quite capture the devastating loss he’s encountered? He needs the Adele album. Get him the Adele album this Christmas. It’s the gift he deserves.


FOR HER

It’s hard to know what to get women, now, isn’t it? What with all the feminism they have these days. Crotchless pants and a cooking apron with boobs on are probably out of the question now. Might as well give them a sock with a load of poo in it! Hehe! Let’s see how they like that! Just kidding. Why not navigate the political minefield of buying for a woman this Christmas and give her the Adele album. She’s probably seen the Rolling Stone cover and read the Noisey article about how it destroys the male gaze. It’s a safe bet even if all the songs are blatantly about relationship turmoil.

All we’re saying is that if, in Love Actually, sleazy Alan Rickman had given his nu-age wife a copy of 25 instead of the Joni Mitchell CD he palms her off with while he’s busy chirpsing the girl from his office with really expensive jewellery, they definitely wouldn’t have got a divorce, in fact they’d probably have had a threesome.


FOR HIM

You want to be romantic, but most of the loved-up gifts out there (bath bombs, sexy lingerie, 3 for 2 nondescript packets of pustular creams from Boots) are made with women in mind. But there is one manly way to tell your man you love him this Christmas, and that’s with the music of Adele. Men love music that speaks to their real life experience, and with all the arseholes who’ve wronged North London's greatest singer, there’ll be a lot he can relate to.


FOR YOUR EX

I know what you’re thinking. What sort of person gets their ex a present for Christmas? A fucking psychopath that’s who. So if you’re (a) harboring one of those post-relationship relationships where you continue to talk and sometimes sleep in the same bed because you continue to live in the same house (b) are a psychopath, or (c) both, then why not go full throttle and send them the Adele album? The only gift that truly says: YOU’RE STILL HURTING ME.


FOR YOUR WORK SECRET SANTA

Unless you are a member of the Kardashian-West family - in which case you wouldn’t even think twice about throwing £50,000 at a diamond tiara and a toy replica SUV for your literal baby - when the time comes to forego lunch for a week so you can save up the tenner you’re socially obligated to drop on a Christmas present for a co-worker, you’re going to want to spend it wisely. The recipient could be anybody from a teenage intern to someone in senior management pushing retirement age, but it doesn’t matter, really, because your relationship with every single one of your collegues is equally limited to the same forced exchange around the coffee machine every morning forever.

When you don’t know who you’re buying for, you’re going to want something popular, something that transcends the barriers of gender, race, sexual orientation, and denomination. You’re going to want something that says, “I know absolutely nothing about you as a human being but I really need to keep up appearances at this job I hate. Merry Christmas, Paul!” Basically, you’re going to want 25, the third studio album by London singer-songwriter Adele (MBE).


FOR THE MAN ON THE MOON FROM THE JOHN LEWIS ADVERT

What do you get the old guy who has been living in a shed on the moon in the cold empty vacuum of space for an indeterminable amount of time with no visible supplies or means of survival? Scientifically, sound travels through the vibration of atoms and molecules in something like water or air, and he has none of that in the cosmos. So, chances are, he’ll be bloody DYING to hear the brand songs from North London artist Adele, and her highly anticipated forthcoming album 25, out on XL Recordings. Pump up a few helium balloons and send the poor old codger a copy - it’s the gift every commercial metaphor for society's treatment of the elderly deserves.


FOR DAMON ALBARN

If 2015 will be remembered for one thing, it certainly won’t be the year Blur released their comeback album The Magic Whip. Incidentally though, back in September Damon Albarn revealed that Adele had asked him to work on her album - although he doubted she would end up using any of the material, claimed it would sound “middle of the road” and described her as “very insecure”. I mean, it’s almost as if he knew 25 would be forecast to sell one million copies in its first week and its first single “Hello” would be 200 times better than all of The Magic Whip, and was actually lowkey talking about himself. Adele’s 25 is the perfect gift to comfort Damon Albarn by reminding him of his recent proximity to relevance in lieu of his own this Christmas! It’s the gift every Britpop alumni thinking of reuniting deserves.


FOR LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE

Ask yourself a few questions: Do they have the face of a human? Do you suspect that they have blood pumping around their body? Are you observing all this on a place you could classify as Planet Earth? If you answered yes to all or any of these questions then there’s only one real festive option for you this winter... Get that lucky sod the British singer/songwriter Adele’s new album, 25, for Christmas 2015. You won’t regret it. In fact, it's the gift they truly deserve.

Follow Ryan, Emma, Sam and Joe on their respective Twitters.

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