Annoying Drug Dealers by Trying to Pay with Fish

A few weeks ago, a San Francisco truck driver named Byron Duane Bates (pictured above, left) got in a bit of trouble for stealing $10,000 worth of fish that he was meant to be delivering as part of his job, and exchanging it for $400 worth of crack cocaine.

Inspired, I decided to call up some UK drug dealers, to see if I could strike some similar deals. After going through some friends' phones and gathering some numbers (because I'm not stupid enough to fuck things up with my own dealer, duh), I gave them a call, telling them that "my friend Steve" had given me their number.

The first ten or so drug dealers I called were more interested in repeatedly asking why I was calling from a private number, and grilling me on who Steve was. So, eventually, I had to hang up on them. Why so paranoid, drug dealers? Jeez.

But anyway, I managed to get a few dealers to talk to me. Here's what they had to say:

VICE: Hi, this is-
Drug Dealer #1: [Angrily] Who is this? I'm a friend of Steve.
Call me back off your number. I need to see your number. I want to buy some coke or crack.
Not on this number. Instead of paying you money for it, can I give you some pillows? Orthopaedic pillows.
No. Do you only take cash?
Clearly. How about if, for coke, I give you something as valuable as coke?
I don't even wanna see you, mate. Just call someone else. I want to pay by keyboards.
[Still very angry] Who is this? Will you just leave me alone? I don't sell what you want, I don't know who you are. Can you leave me alone? *hangs up*

VICE: Hi, this is a friend of Steve's. Can I buy some weed, or C?
Drug Dealer #2: Steve? I can't remember Steve, man. He's in this shoegaze band from Dalston. I just want a price on some weed or hash?
I've got weed, yeah. It depends how much you want, innit. How much you looking for? Is three ounces a big purchase?
You want a big purchase? Where'd you get my number, man? From this band. The guys who play in the band. Steve?
Some guys in a band? What's the price nowadays?
For an ounce? It's 250. It's expensive down here, man. I have Primark shirts, can I give you shirts instead of paying?
You have what? Primark? Nah nah nah, why would I take shirts, man? You can sell them later.
I don't sell sweatshirts, mate. Would you take tuna fish, maybe? I have lots of packets of tuna.
Nah bruv, no fish. No fish. What else you got? I got some shoes. Some trainers.
What kinda shoes? Puma.
Nah, man! Hahaha! You gotta come with something solid for me to be able to sell it. None of this stuff is stuff I can sell. I can't sell none of that. I have some sim cards.
No! Sim cards is worthless. They ain't worth nothing. Nothing bruv. I can get those for free. What about Ryanair tickets? For 50 people.
To where? Majorca?
Majorca? I don't trust you boss. I don't have your number, I don't know you. Send me your number, and get the guy who you got my number off to give me a call. The best I can do is trade two ounces for some shirts and trainers.
Who gave you my number?! Why you calling from a private number? This band. This guy from Dalston. Steve.
What did she say to you when she gave you my number? That you might be able to take some of my merchandise, instead of money.
Nah, she's chatting shit to you mate. I wouldn't take stupid things. I can sell weed. I can't sell all the stuff you got. What you have, it's not sellable. It's gonna be hard for me to sell the things you got, what I got, I can sell easy. I don't know why I would exchange it when I can sell mine for easier. You get what I mean? What about caviar?
What would I do with caviar? I have two buckets.
Nah man, these stuffs are worthless. You gotta go restaurants, man. To sell stuff like this. I have a whole truck of merchandise. I'll come to you.
Just call me back from a number, 'cos I don't trust this.

VICE: Hello, my friend Steve told me to call you. I'd like to buy two and a half ounces.
Drug Dealer #3: Two ounces and a half? That's 600 and something pounds. Can I pay by fish? If I give you a big bucket of tuna?
Erm, no. Or calamari? Because I'm a delivery driver for Calamari Supply. I could just give you my whole load. It's actually worth much more than 600 quid.
No… I can't do that, mate. So, only cash?
Just cash. Can I give you some loafers?
No, no, no. Just cash. I have big boxes full of loafers and slippers.
No, no, no. If I think of anything else that is valuable, you could resell that?
No. I have a big truck.
[Angry] No! Cash only. I just need to get rid of some stuff and get some weed instead. I'll get back to you.
OK. Thanks. Bye.

Follow Nimrod on Twitter @nnimrodd