Photo by Peter Sutherland
Used to be the only people obsessed with barfing were "fat" Canadian white girls with nothing better to do than worry their parents. Then we came along. We are the Barfers and we barf way more than any teenage girl could ever dream of. Why, just last night I was removed from a bar called Barrymore's for heaving about four things of Cup-a-Soup into the nearest stall. "But I got it all in the bowl," I insisted. "I mean, people have shits in toilets, and you're mad about a little puke? It's just waste coming out of a different orifice. What do you do to people with explosive diarrhea—kill them?" The bouncers weren't having it. So I left like the dignified vomiter that I am. Sober and composed and free of the extra toxins that were sure to hangover into the next day like an AIDS patient on bad acid with a blanket of misery and evil voices of pain and terror zipping through the suffering like little red razors covered in cancer. And such is the plight of the Barfer. People don't understand our level of hedonism. We barf because we overdid it and intend to continue overdoing it well into tomorrow. We are the new Romans. It goes like this: If you start drinking at three o'clock, you're going to be pretty out there by midnight. Throw in some painkillers, coke, and pot and you're basically a giant red baby who can't speak Russian. Then a friend will bring 'round another tray of Alabama Slammers. What are you going to do, say no? No. What you're going to do is accept everyone's offers, buy your round back, and then go to the bathroom to let it all out. It's called purging and it's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's a clear sign that we have reached a level of affluence not seen since Caesar. Do you think those towel heads in Iraq get to eat and drink so much they need to puke out the extra bits? They don't even have the resources to whack off. This is our time, people, so don't stop livin' in the red. Don't refuse anything you're fed. Just take it all in. Return the favor and then let it all out. Lemme hear you say "rooooohaaaaaahhwaaarcchh!"