When Obama was elected in 2008, it felt like the world was waking up from some hellish Spaghetti Western acid trip. FINALLY, we thought, after eight years of cowboy politics, everyone was going to chill the fuck out, eat some gluten-free toast and agree that conservatism is a dated concept destined for the ideological scrapheap – just like flat Earth theory, or the belief that blind people are serial masturbators.
But four years on, the liberal wet dream I shared with so many has become a severe case of political blue balls. The men with the fattest wallets and heads are running Britain again and in the US abortion is suddenly back up for debate. Why? Because liberals are fucking pussies.
While we waste our time and energy reasoning with people who think embryology is a Satanist conspiracy, the Tea Party, The Mail's trolls and the birthers are shifting political discourse to the right by behaving like feral, shit-slinging chimpanzees.
When Todd Akin groans like a wounded mastodon that "legitimate rape" doesn’t get you pregnant, he creates headlines that bear bait the left into a conservative debate. We can sneer at the inbred hick all we want, but we’re still on the back foot giving conservative issues mileage rather than edging towards a liberal utopia where we all swap wives and get our drugs from vending machines instead of people who sharpen their dogs' teeth on park swings.
Politely waiting our turn like we’re queuing up for the Chelsea flower show isn’t getting us anywhere, so if we’re going to stop this slide back into the dark ages we have to counteract the right’s power pantomime with some lefty extremism of our own.
MAKE PORNSTARDOM MANDATORY
In the future, all our wars will be fought by robots controlled by remote. National service will be redundant, so what better way to squeeze the individuality out of someone and instil in its place bland senses of duty and professional stoicism than by making everyone record their own sex tape when they turn 18? You'd be able to choose your co-stars and write your own script, but it'd be mandatory. Everyone knows the industry's in dire straits, and to save it, we'd all have to muck in: the sons of sewer workers united with the daughters of heads of state. Can you imagine how liberating it'd be if we all struck out into the adult world from the same emotional ground zero of shame and self-abasement? Truly, it could be the great social leveller of our times.
CALL FOR THE LEGALISATION OF BESTIALITY
The Christian right would soften their stance on gay marriage pretty quick if they were faced with the possibility of pig fuckers getting hitched. And don’t try to tell me that an animal can’t consent, if a donkey isn’t in the mood he’ll let you know with a swift hoof to the teeth.
The Church would still have you believe that unloading thousands of potential believers into an old sock is murder, but they can’t sneak into your bedroom to give you a guilt trip so instead they prey on emotionally shaken young women outside of abortion clinics. I bet you now that women's reproductive choices wouldn't come under so much scrutiny if we stood outside schools handing out coat hangers and DIY abortion guides. It's a classic trick of political spin: take the flak yourself, deflect it away from some wombs.
DEMAND AN ECONOMIC OFFENDERS' REGISTER
We've already got a big list with loads of rapists, creeps and paedophiles on it. We need to do the same thing with the banking industry – keep track of all their dubious fiscal voodoo to see if they’re trading faulty derivatives and let their wives know how much of those obscene bonuses are spent on 50 grand champagne bottles in Stringfellows. The sex offenders' register and the economic offenders' register, side by side at last. I wonder how much crossover there'd be?
Wait, you wanna drive a car? Why? Who do you think you are, the Fonz? Private road travel should have died with James Dean. No icons ever exited the world on a bus.
CALL FOR THE INVASION OF OFF-SHORE TAX HAVENS
Tories tripled tuition fees for a demographic used to living off 30p noodle packets, but there’s $13-20 trillion hiding in tax havens around the world. Bombing Monaco and the Cayman islands into submission would feed our primal thirst to rape and pillage as well as provide some much-needed revenue for the arms industry – everybody wins!