Authorities are baffled by the placentas that keep clogging up the sewage system in the middle of Illinois. These shit-injected sacs of birth detritus are potentially infectious, people, and it’s got to stop. And we think we’ve fingered the cause of all this carelessness…

It’s these Sex In the City-inspired home abortion kits. Midwestern twats love anything that make them feel all cosmopolitan, and having unprotected sex and then getting rid of it on the hush is, in their minds, as NYC as a pair of Manolo Whogivesafucks.