I'm so thankful that I come from a nice, normal, nuclear family – it's helped make me the balanced human being I am today. Growing up, I'd constantly be told by my parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles how incredibly beautiful I was, and now I get swept up in a dizzy flurry of narcissistic rapture every time I catch a reflection of myself. It really is a blessing.
The other day, though, while I was polishing my monogrammed pocket mirror, a thought popped to mind: what would it be like to not be the epitome of human beauty? How would it feel to not know for certain that you were God's gift to everything with eyes?
I decided to wander the streets of London, enveloped by the plebs and the uggos, and ask a question: How attractive are you on a scale of 1 to 10?
Tommy, 20, editor and Kelly, 30, director.
Tommy: I'd say a five or a six, probably. I'm kinda happy with how I look, but I've got some imperfections.
VICE: What would you change to make yourself a 10?
My ears. They stick out quite badly. Kelly's ears used to stick out, too.
Kelly: I got mine pinned back.
Tommy: Did you? I think I want to get mine pinned back, ‘cause they’re all wonky. Oh, and my teeth are a bit gappy.
How good looking would you rate Kelly on the scale, Tommy?
Definitely a 10. She’s hot.
Kelly: I’m not a 10. I'd say I was a seven, at best. I reckon Tommy's about an eight, but he's not really my type.
Tommy: She likes really skinny, weak, frail guys.
What average score would you give your past conquests?
I usually punch below my weight – it's easier that way.
And it's almost charitable, I suppose.
No! That’s terrible! No, I’d say about the same. I think people gravitate towards people who are the same level of attractiveness. There are obviously some exceptions, like a really hot girl with a really ugly guy.
Kelly: Like in my case.
Tommy: Yeah, but people generally have the same level of attractiveness. I think it works better that way.
Why? You don’t want to muddy their beautiful gene pool?
Kelly: If you’re attractive, you hang out with an attractive group of friends. I think it’s subconscious. Like, I don’t think you even realise.
Tommy: Yeah, it starts at school, then stays like that for the rest of your life.
Wow, OK, that's kind of bleak.
Mortiz, 18, student (left) and Gerry, 19, student (both Swiss).
Gerry: Hmm, that's a difficult question, but I'd say I'm somewhere around a seven.
Moritz: Yeah, I think I'm a seven, too.
Gerry: Actually, no. I'm more of a five.
Hey, guy, are you alright? Why did you get uglier all of a sudden?
Oh no, it's not ugly, it's just a five. You know, it's somewhere in the middle; it's a nice number – quite neutral.
How very Swiss of you. Is everyone in Switzerland a five?
No, no; my girlfriend's not. My girlfriend is a nine. No, actually, not a nine – she's a 10! A 10!
So she's double you. Are you happy being a five?
Yeah, as long as my girlfriend is a 10, I'm happy.
John, 23, pub manager (left) and Andrew, 26, head chef.
John: I'm gonna go with a five, just to be safe. Not too cocky, you know?
Fair enough. How would you rate your previous sexual conquests?
More than five, obviously. But it all depends on which one you want. Actually, I haven't got any.
Oh. Andrew, how would you rate yourself?
Andrew: Me? I’d say a minus six. I've got a distinct lack of self-confidence going for me.
John: And a lack of hair.
Andrew: Yep. Receding from an early age. I need a hair transplant, like Rooney. It worked for him.
That it did. What about your girlfriend? How hot is she?
Oh, she makes up for my looks – she's definitely a seven or an eight. She’s blind, though.
Andrew, I can't tell whether you're joking or not.
Country boy, unspecified age and job: Not very high. I’m not very self-opinionated. A five or six, or something.
What changes would you make to make yourself a 10?
I don’t know, really. A nicer suit and a nicer car, I suppose. I’d like to be a bit bigger, too.
Why don’t you go to the gym?
I don’t believe in gyms, I’d rather go for a run. I’m a country boy so…
How would you rate your past sexual partners, on average?
I would say an eight.
So you like to punch above your weight?
If you wanna put it that way, then yeah.
Kevin, 34, personal trainer: I'm a three, I reckon. Beauty’s only skin deep, really, isn't? Nah, not really, I'm only kidding. I’m trying to be a bad person at the moment. Nice guys finish last, so I’m trying to be naughty.
You naughty guy. You’re a personal trainer, though – shouldn’t that make you more than a three?
Yeah, but am I working out for myself or for other people? I really think beauty is all to do with the inside.
I was not anticipating this question getting so existential on me. How would you rate your girlfriend?
I’m recently separated. It's been about three months now. She absolutely killed me. She tore me apart.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She ripped me a second arse hole. It hurt a lot. She might as well have buggered me with a plastic teaspoon. That’s the thing; you be a nice guy and treat a girl well, then look what happens. It starts with the two fingers, holding on to you, then she gets to that point and just really goes in.
What? Up your rectum?
No, I have a second one now. She came out of the other side, like an alien. I’m a Virgo, so I fall in love and get hurt easily. She was Leo. I think she was Hungarian as well. They apparently cause more issues in a relationship.
Again – what? You don't know what nationality your ex was?
Previously - What Aren't You Afraid Of That Other People Are?