What is it that makes a man? Is it courage, success, the will to excel? Or is the worth of a man equivalent to the best he can do with what is available to him? A man builds his integrity with his own hands, and it is with those same calloused, grizzled hands that he serves himself for toil as well as leisure. When he rests, the competitive essence of his very being does not. It drives him to excel even at relaxation, to best his own capabilities, and of course those of his peers. We are men, and when we chill, we chill hard. And we roll fat, fatter, fattiest fucking joints.
The Fattiest J competition began with a simple question: How much weed can you fit into a single, regular-sized Bambu rolling paper? My colleagues and I wished to attempt this feat of maximisation collectively. Now was a time to to push the bounds of what is possible, and to utilise our competitive nature for the advancement of a craft in which we all place a great amount of value. A joint-rolling technique is like a singing voice: Everyone’s is unique and beautiful in its own way, but only a select few should be allowed to share their gift with the world. We are but humble experts, and on a still December night, six of us put our expertise to the test in what is only the beginning of a competitive renaissance of weed skills.
The rules for The Fattiest J are as follows: Each gentleman is provided with two regular-sized Bambu papers, a strip of cardboard weighing .1 grams (the roach), and a cigarette (for packing down). In the centre of the table is a bowl containing one ounce of ground weed. The men have 20 minutes to roll as fat a joint as possible with the materials provided. After the period is over, a moderator rotates each joint so that any unsecured pot falls out. The joints are individually placed on a scale immediately following rotation, and the heaviest one wins the honour, the glory and a book on cat fashions furnished by VICE.
Here are the players alongside their entries.
Also known as “The Godfather” Sutherland served as an early mentor to two other contestants, StillStoned and Herbison, and is a favourite due to his vast experience and meticulous technique. However, his forte is not size, but craft.
A full-time smoker, StillStoned is the designated provider and preparer of marijuana vessels for a populous social circle. He is a well-rounded roller in all respects, employing his own mysterious method, the “Key Sure” technique.
Chow Yun Fatty
Fatty’s crafty, nimble hands were honed at the Foxconn factory in Shenzhen, where he endured incredible hardship and harsh penalties for smoking weed in his bunker. He escaped his confines and is now competing on the American circuit, making him Bane, basically.
Tree Harvey Oswald
The veritable wild card of the group, Oswald’s style truly comes from the gutter. Known for his slipshod creations, he’s managed to wow partakers with joints that hit incredibly well despite their poor appearance.
Hailing from Northern California, Nuglas was raised in an environment with plentiful trees, giving him greater experience with really packing a paper. However, will his dazed West Coast state of mind allow him to reach a level of competition put forth by his cutthroat East Coast opponents?
As stated above, Roy “The Kid” Herbison is an alumnus of Reefer Sutherland’s apprenticeship. He's best known for having taken Sutherland’s meticulous style and going rogue with it, crafting dangerously wide cones that push the structure’s integrity to the limit.
Moderator: The Honourable Blunter S. Thompson
Mr Thompson has judged no less than 4,773 joint competitions in his lifetime, none of which have ever been documented or reported.
Oswald took himself out of the running early. He finished first and failed to compare his creation with his competitors’. When Sutherland completed a massive cylinder with ten minutes left on the clock, Oswald's elimination was guaranteed. Sutherland's loose and wide roach allowed for a broader elliptical circumference, though it was later discovered that he had stuffed the filter with weed, which would not technically be smokable. This was, indeed, a loophole to be amended in future contests. Regardless, a case of filter envy prompted both StillStoned and Fatty to dismantle their joints and begin again using Sutherland’s technique. Down to their second and final papers, both managed to complete their entries before time was called, though StillStoned’s featured a prominent gaping hole at the top. Meanwhile, Nuglas began to look like a competitor nearing completion, though Sutherland’s piece was still a favourite for the win. Herbison’s was passable but was visibly outshined by at least three competitors.
Weighing began with the Honourable Blunter S. Thompson congratulating the players on an excellent competition and then stating, “This is a serious pile of fatties, and I wish I could smoke all of them and call each one a winner.” Of course, he could not do that because, indeed, there can only be one Fattiest J.
Sutherland’s took the scale first, setting an impressive bar at 1.74 grams. This was followed by Oswald’s effort, the first completed joint. It came in a full gram short at .74 grams. Despite its appearance, StillStoned’s entry unexpectedly eliminated Sutherland’s with a conquering 2.06 grams. After this, Herbison’s was easily knocked out at 1.53 grams. Next up, Nuglas flies out of nowhere with a joint teetering on 2.05 grams, causing an uproar and prompting a reweigh call from Mr. Thompson. After Fatty rung in and out at 1.56, the re-weigh showed StillStoned at 2.06 and Nuglas at 2.03, the loss of weight attributed to a minute reduction in moisture level. An unofficial re-weigh conducted by the players some minutes later in fact showed Nuglas at 2.04 and StillStoned at 2.03, but that result was not counted, because it was unofficial.
Mr. Thompson presented StillStoned with his trophy, the cat fashion book, prompting applause from all players and spectators. The winner marked the competitive portion of the evening with the ceremonial lighting of the winning joint. It was a truly formidable doobie, and as it was burned down the group collectively agreed that Nuglas’ runner-up deserved the honor of being smoked as well, as it was a near winner. And with this decision, every soul in the room was triumphant.
Follow T.Kid on Twitter: @imyourkid
Doodle portraits by @zzzeesh
Photos by Jai Lennard
Previously: I Found Smoking Buddies in the SeshRoulette Wasteland Getting High with the Family