Danes love being complimented on their English. In many cases, this holds true: comparatively speaking, Danes are exceptionally good at English. However, there’s a big difference between pointing tourists in the right direction and expressing your deepest emotions in writing—especially when it comes to songs. We found the ten worst examples of Danes attempting to sing in English when they really should have known their limits and let the native speakers do their thing. Without further adieu, here are the ten most cringe-worthy examples of English lyrics by Danish artists.
Kashmir – “Ruby Over Diamonds”
Cringe peak:
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“Now I want to be
in your hide and seek
now I want to make children”
Granted, “impregnate” is never gonna work in any rock lyrics—but surely there must be a more elegant way of expressing a desire to procreate than “now I want to make children”, which sounds a bit like a robot trying to masquerade as a human. It gets even worse: later, Kashmir’s lead singer and main songwriter, Kasper Eistrup, tries to get away with singing “now I want to make love to you”—aka the most prudish, middle-class euphemism for “fucking” we’ve been busy cringing at many, many times before. He somehow manages to make the act of creating new life sound like something you do with the same straightforwardness you’d apply to baking cupcakes, making balloon animals or playing Sims 4.
To be fair, Kashmir’s lyrics aren’t usually this bad. David Bowie and Lou Reed have approved, which are two of the best endorsements available in music, but “Ruby Over Diamonds” could’ve benefitted from being proof-read by a native speaker.
Gasolin’ – “This Is My Life”
Cringe peak:
“Give me the wine
bitter and sweet
and a little bit of bread
that’s all I need”
Gasolin’, arguably Scandinavia’s biggest rock band at their time, gave singing in English a go. Judging by “This is My Life”, they probably should have taken that advice. Like, we’ve got nothing against wine and bread here, but expressing your desire for that combo in such an overwhelmingly simple and nearly childish way doesn’t do a song any good. Coupled with Kim Larsen’s awkwardly flat Copenhagen pronunciation, “This is My Life” goes from ‘blah’ to unendurable.
Sidenote: if you’re in the market for more cringing, give “It Was Inga, Katinka And Groovy Charlie On His Harley” a listen.
Aqua – “Lollipop (Candyman)”
Cringe peak:
“I wish that you were my lollipop
Sweet things, I will never get enough
If you show me to the sugar tree
Will you give me a soda pop for free”
Miss Eurodance. 90s fashion sense. Utterly nonsensical lyrics. Aqua encompasses all of those things, so it’s not like anyone ever expected Aqua to write insightful or profound lyrics. However, “I wish you were my lollipop” is so silly of a sexual innuendo, it’s almost an insult to anybody with even the most basic understanding of human sexuality. 14 million of our fellow world citizens didn’t see it as an insult, however, and gladly bought their album Aquarium in 1997.
Aqua and other Danish eurodance bands were especially good at sexual innuendos—a form of humour just as cheap and tedious as puns and knock-knock jokes. WE GET IT! Lollipops, sugar, dolls and toys: you wanna get laid.
Oh, and by the way, René Dif: We googled “Bountyland” and it isn’t even a real place! Unless of course you’re referring to a fictional country made up entirely of coconut flavoured chocolate bars with the texture of freshly shredded wood chips.
Dúné – “Bloodlines”
Cringe peak:
“My best friend is lying in there
He’s messed up and I don’t care
When love is put aside he ain’t asking for more
He’s a total waste, but he’s still going strong
I can’t help it
Couldn’t do it
I’m jaywalking against my will
In my most desperate hour I’m covered in pills.
When she comes back home it will catch her ear
Your fiddling will be spoiled in a future near
My bloodlines are acting a bit strange
They are spoken for, but not out of range”
Kudos for making “more” rhyme with “strong”, but this text doesn’t make any sense. Apparently we’re dealing with a friend of the singer’s who is messed up for some reason, yet still going strong. Well, forget about him, ‘cause we’ve got a jaywalker over here, but then when she – whoever she is – comes home, this nondescript thing will catch her ear… And the singer’s bloodlines are acting strange..? And they’re spoken for? At this point, the only thing we can do is give up: we really don’t know what’s going on and feel like there’s probably no point in trying to understand any further.
If the adolescent high-octane synth-pop of Dúné gets on your nerves, we won’t blame you. Actually, we’d recommend Isam B’s cover. Isam B manages to make the song even more absurd with his sugary, heartfelt delivery. You do realise you’re crooning meaningless words right, Isam?
Medina – “Welcome to Medina”
Cringe peak:
“I wanna feed you in your secret fantasies
Falling in a trance we’re going deeper
So when you’re touching yourself you’re touching me
And you never tasted anything that’s sweeter
‘Cause I’m everything you’re wanna me to be
Now that you’re here, I gotta meet ya’
I wanna know if you’ll be my erotic thrill
Is it wrong for me to really wanna keep ya’?
Can you take me like a pocket full of pills?”
Even in Danish Medina is a horrible lyricist, but somehow she manages to evoke Bill Cosby in this song. “Is it wrong for me to really wanna keep ya’? Can you take me like a pocket full of pills?” sounds like the exact thing Dr. Huxtable would say in a cocktail bar. Also, it doesn’t matter how hot and heavy you get here, Medina: “when you’re touching yourself you’re touching me” makes you sound more like an inappropriate uncle after too many Schnapps than a sex goddess.
Private – “My Secret Lover”
Cringe peak:
“I met you at the club no further comment
I said baby let’s go back to your apartment
And girl take off your dress let’s make this place a mess
It feels so good, so tell me why should I confess?”
Pop sensation Thomas Troelsen’s second band, Private, deservedly earned themselves a lot of airplay in 2008. One of the big hits, “My Secret Lover”, isn’t much different from other pop songs when it comes to the words. It’s a vacuous 3-minute song about love and lust, the chorus is catchy and the entire tune is a downright earworm. It makes it onto this list as a reminder and a warning to all future songwriters: do not try to make “comment” rhyme with “apartment”. It sounds stupid! Just because they’re both words derived from Latin doesn’t make them rhyme, okay?
Otto Brandenburg – “My, My How the Time Goes By”
Cringe peak:
“Hallelujah, Hallelujah
My, oh, my how the time goes by
There’s lots to do indeed
I gotta help some friend in need
And there’s the good book still to read”
Now, it’s really difficult to cringe at “Baggårdspumaen” – “the back yard puma” – Otto Brandenburg, because he’s so damn charming (except for his questionable history with alcohol abuse, that is). “My, My How the Time Goes By” wasn’t written by him, but by the American Christian songwriter duo Shelley/Kaye. It’s from 1959 and times were different then, so if you don’t mind the nauseating, self-righteous Christian message, please just take a moment to enjoy Otto’s pronunciation:“I gutta help som fwend in need, and there’s the gut buk still tu reet”. Brilliant!
Otto Brandenburg became hugely popular in Denmark, and it’s probably fair to say that he was Elvis Presley’s Danish counterpart. He gave us “To lys på et bord”, “Når en sailor går i land” and “Alle sømænd er glade for piger”—all songs which easily enter the hall of fame of Danish pop music. We suppose “My, My How the Time Goes By” made him realise that English wasn’t for him.
Psyched Up Janis – “I Died In My Teens”
Cringe peak:
“So we say you
We can’t find you
I died in my teens
I died in my teens
And if you bring
Your closest friend
And if you die
And if you die…”
One of the anthems of Danish rock in the 90s is Psyched Up Janis’ “I Died In My Teens”. Sune Wagner, now leading member of The Raveonettes, has stepped up his lyrics game considerably since then—and thank God for that, because these lyrics are almost as embarrassing as his dreadlocks and blatant copying Nirvana and Dinosaur Jr. and all the grunge clichés you can possibly think of.
The entire song is made up of unfinished sentences that don’t work independently but only serve to confuse us to the point of insanity. Who can’t find whom? What happens if you do bring your closest friend? AND WHAT HAPPENS IF WE DIE? Are we then somehow transported to a different dimension in which these lyrics make sense? Does the Afterlife provide us with a God-like ability to create sensible narratives out of otherwise mutually unrelated words?
Volbeat – “Maybelinne I Hofteholder”
Cringe peak:
“I see you dancing for the young wolves
Maybellene i Hofteholder
Could you be the only one?
Well I beg you to come home
Dance forever my only one”
As far as we know, Volbeat is one of the Danish bands on Facebook with the most fans and followers. All their albums are given titles according the same formula: two cool, rebellious-sounding words + two similarly cool, rebellious-sounding words. “Rock the Rebel/Metal the Devil”; “Guitar Gangsters & Cadillac Blood”; “Beyond Hell/Above Heaven”; “Outlaw Gentlemen & Shady Ladies”. You get the picture.
Volbeat must’ve used up all their English nouns, because when they had to name their first single from the album “Guitar Gangsters & Cadillac Blood” they weirdly opted for the Danish word “hofteholder” – garter belt or suspender belt – and it sounds ridiculous! It doesn’t help that lead singer Michael Poulsen makes it even worse by bawling out the oddly-placed Danish word to make it stand out more or something.
Who told them that mixing Danish words with English words was a good idea? Simon Kvamm and Nephew? The Christmas Elves from the Christmas tv-series, The Julekalender? Sorry to break it to you, Volbeat, but no-one’s gonna take you seriously—but at least “Maybelline I Hofteholder” was voted the Listener’s Favourite by Danish radio channel P3’s listeners in 2008 and Volbeat have sold more than 3 million records worldwide. So there’s that…
