At one time or another, everyone has looked up at birds floating through the sky like it's nothing and gone, “Maaaaann, I wish I could fly.” But how do we know birds aren’t looking down at us going, “Shit! I wish I could walk around on the ground. I bet there’s a lotta cool stuff I’m missing out on.” That’s the inspiration for today’s question, which is: If you got offered the ability to fly, but had to give up the ability to walk forever, would you take that deal?
VICE: Why not?
Would I have to sit on a plane the whole time? Like, would I get my own personal plane?
There’s been a misunderstanding. I mean flying with your own personal wings, not on an airplane.
Oh! That’s way cooler. Would I be the only person in the world who could fly?
You can pick three people to fly with you so you’re not alone up there.
I think I’d still walk. Going to the bathroom would be really awkward.
VICE: You can never touch land again.
I don’t care. I’m sick and tired of walking. I’m going to be 48 in two weeks. I walk like half a million miles a year.
What do you do for a living?
I’m in the sanitation business. My wife gave me this step counter thingy, and it says I do, like, 80,000 steps a day.
Any problem with heights?
I love heights. I had a bunk bed as a kid. Actually, I have a bunk bed now. My wife thinks it’s weird, but it’s not.
Richie (left): FUCK YEAH! Would I still have legs? Or just stumps?
VICE: You’ll still have legs. You can land on telephone wires or tree branches.
Think of how cool my living room would be!
What do you mean?
It would just be made of telephone wires and I’d jump from wire to wire.
You’re given the power to fly and you’re most excited about telephone wires?
Yeah, man. I could finally get rid of my couch that I hate so much. Fuck, I hate my couch. Think of how cool it would be at concerts.
Damien: No way. I hate planes.
VICE: I don’t mean a plane, I mean that we’re living in a hypothetical world where you sprout wings.
Yeah, I know what you mean and I still say no way. If I don’t like flying in a plane, why would I like flying out in the open? Why the hell would I want to fly and never touch land again?
Jesus, I don’t know. I think flying on a plane and flying with wings would be completely different.
Nope, they’re pretty much the same.
Oscar: How close can I get to the ground?
VICE: As close as physically possible without touching it.
Where and how would I sleep?
You’d be able to rest on a telephone wire.
Sleeping on a power line is going to make sex very difficult.
Could be awkward to take a shit from up there, too.
No, it wouldn’t. It’s just like when a bird shits.
What? Bird shit and human shit are totally different in size.
Well, it lands where it lands. You could commit crimes too! I would swoop down and float behind someone at an ATM and get their PIN number. But I’m going to say no to flying. I like the hierarchy of the walking class.
VICE: You don’t care if you never touch land again?
What? I can never touch land again?
Yeah, I just told you that.
Oh, OK. I change my mind. I pick not to fly. I love land. If you choose yes for this question, you’d have to take your ass up to the sky and spend all your time in a cloud, then you’re fucked. Where are you supposed to get a job in the sky? Where do you have sex?
You don’t have to stay in the sky, you can hover just a couple inches from the ground, if you wanted.
Could I have sex with you a few inches from the ground?
Morgan: Lady, I have to take a shit.
VICE: Quick – fly or walk?
Fly. Right now I need to fly to a fucking bathroom or I’m going to shit my pants.
You’re really using the flying superpower to its fullest potential.
Needing to take a shit is serious, and if flying will get me there any faster, I’ll give up land.