I'm Covering NYFW for VICE So I Bought Some New Shit Swag

Ray-Ban Clubmaster Glasses X Patrik Ervell Standard Button Down Portrait by my old roomie Philip Walters. This was me one year ago when I was still a VICE intern.

I’m geeking out over here because after a little shameless pleading, my visionary genius fashion editor Annette Lamothe-Ramos has agreed to unleash me on to New York Fashion Week. I can’t wait to bring dick jokes to the haughty snobs behind the world’s biggest and most boring brands. And I also can’t wait to highlight for you the designers in New York that I feel are actually doing something exciting and worth giving a fuck about. Hopefully, I’ll be able to hold in my farts when I’m in the presence of sexy models and not piss off too many self-serious fashion folks by saying fancy Italian names with my icky Midwestern accent. So, please check back to VICE throughout the rest of the week for my rundowns on what’s happening during one of the most vacuous and awe-inspiring events that fussy New Yorkers take part in twice a year.

Covering Fashion Week is a big deal for me, because it’s the kind of shit I dreamed I would do for VICE exactly one year ago when I was still a measly intern fetching dildos and writing the Question of the Day. When you reach junctures like this in your career, you should always use it as an excuse to buy some new shit because popping a tag or two is a great way to beef up your confidence and pump up your dorsal veins.

But before you can meet whatever new exciting challenge in your life with your fresh new clothes, you also need a good theme song. My theme song used to be “U Don’t Know” by Jay-Z. I would play it before every test, every date with a big bootyed girl and every job interview. In the song, Hov basically talks about how he is the greatest person ever at everything, which is exactly how you should feel anytime you’re competing, even if you’re not that great. So, find a good theme song and sing/rap/pig-squeal that shit in the mirror while you’re putting on your new gear and I guarantee you’ll succeed at whatever you’re trying to do… as long as it’s not rape or genocide or slavery. In which case, I hope you fail miserably. Rapists and systematic killers of large numbers of people don’t get to have awesome theme songs.

Here are a few pieces of gear that I picked up and a few songs I am listening to as I get ready to cover my first New York Fashion Week.

Ale et Ange Jeans X the Who's "Odorono"

Everybody knows I'm a fanatic for Ale et Ange. I wrote an exhaustive piece on the fine folks behind the brand a few months ago. What makes me come back to their stuff time and time again is the little details and the expert tailoring that go into each of their garments. You could only shop at Ale et Ange for the rest of your time on this planet and you would literally be fresh to death. So when I heard that they were dropping some new jeans, I made them give me a pair to "review" in this blogpost. I hope review doesn't mean I have to return these jeans because I've been wearing them around my funky, hot-as-shit apartment while I do lunges with no underwear on… Plus, they're a perfect look for Fashion Week.

Only 55 pairs of these jeans were made, which makes them super exclusive. They have a secret camouflage binding and blue checkered lined pockets that you can see in the pic in the top right corner. I love little shit like that because it makes you feel like you have a special  secret in your pants that for once has nothing to do with excrement or drugs. Also, the zippers are one-of-a-kind vintage things that look like something you'd find on an antique gimp mask. They have darting at the knees and fit slim-straight instead of skinny, which is great because I hear skinny jeans can really fuck up your sperm count.

I've paired these fashion jeans with "Odorono," one of my favourite songs from The Who Sell Out, a murky but brilliant concept album that tackles everything from the stupidity of war to consumerism. "Odorono" stands out because it's basically a long jingle for some made up deodorant company, exposing how beauty marketers use fear to push us their useless nonsense. Like the jeans, you can enjoy it on a bunch of different levels. You can dig it because it is a rocking tune, or you can go a little deeper and discover all these little ideas and details. There is much more going on with "Odorono" and these jeans than meets the eye.

Henrik Vibskov Blazer X Rick James's "Ghetto Love"

I feel really bad for a lot of young kids, because most of them have no idea how amazing Rick James's music was. They think it's all about that Dave Chapelle skit. But Rick was a psycho funk-punk genius and Street Songs is one of the best records of its era (plus Rick used to be a in a band with Neil Young). Rick was such bad motherfucker, he could wear red patent leather knee-high heels on his album cover and still get crazy respect from super insecure hood dudes who'd slit your throat if they thought you were accusing them of being a butt-bumper. You couldn't punk Rick out because he just didn't give a fuck. So anytime I feel weird about wearing something that is a little out there, like this peculiar colour-blocked Vibskov blazer, I just think of Rick in his make-up and skin-tight leather pants. If Rick could wear all that shit and still bang beaver, then I'm good to go.

Dior Homme Distressed Sweater X A$AP Mob's "Freeze" featuring A$AP Rocky and Jim Jones

I'm not usually into older fashion brands, just because I like to support younger designers. But if I could ever kick it with Harlem MCs like A$AP Rocky and Jim Jones, you better believe I would come correct with some haughty shit to show them I can get my shine on like a dope rapper. I'm planning on going to the Jeremy Scott show next week, which is probably where I will rock this sweater. I know Rocky and Jeremy are cool with each other, so if I run into that Pretty Motherfucker at the show I'll tell him you guys said "Wassup." Considering he and I are both fans of getting fresh and big bootys, we probably have a lot to talk about. In the meantime, I'll be bumping this mixtape to get in the zone for Fashion Week, espescially the song "Freeze," which features Rocky and Jimmy. It makes me feel like a Harlem crack kingpin ballin' out and sippin' lean. Hopefully that vibe will go over well with all the new friends I'll make this week!

Don't miss my coverage of New York Fashion Week, which will be rolling out on VICE.com.

*Everything listed in this post was either purchased at ridiculously cheap prices at sample sales or given to me for free. I almost NEVER pay full price for designer shit. It’s not that I don’t think it is worth it. I just can’t afford it off the rack. If you live in New York and you want to get fresh for cheap, start rummaging around at sample sales. If you live anywhere else, get your eBay and Yoox game up.*

@WilbertLCooper

Previously - Mamma's Musty Attic Hand-Me-Down Swag