Meeting Radiohead's Paranoid Android Army

Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment when Radiohead stopped being a band and started being prankster-activist protectors of the world? Was it around the same time they did that tour in a circus tent with Sigur fucking Ros?

I haven’t been able to listen to them for a couple of years, but apparently there are millions of people around the world who are forever ready to lap up whatever tossed off gothtronica they email in from their Oxford mansions. Who are these fanatics? What do they look like? Do they dream of electric sheep? We went down to the launch of their ‘newspaper’ The Universal Sigh in Barcelona to find out.

By the time we got there, there were already a hundred or so fans milling around. They were pretty easy to spot. They were the ones trying to fade into the background and be as inoffensive as possible.

By 12:05, the newspapers still hadn’t arrived, and a mild panic swept through the crowd. Someone held up an iPhone and mentioned that maybe they’d got the wrong corner of the plaza. People shuffled awkwardly. The fear that they’d fucked up yet again was palpable.

At approximately eight minutes past the hour the ‘papers arrived. Someone let out a yelp and instantly apologised. Girls who hadn’t run since Year Eight charged to the front like whippets. An old lady caught in the melee was politely asked to move out of the way 15 times. Everybody was praying that an indie kid wouldn’t fart in the excitement.

And here it is, The Universal Sigh. A 12-page newspaper with the album cover on the front, lyrics from songs with titles like “Frozen” and drawings of something that looks like a sperm tree. I’m baffled, but, you know, maybe I lack the understanding and empathy or something (or maybe i actually had the balls to be a goth when i was 14).

Woah, this guy makes me want to be a lepidopterist. Imagine him pressed behind glass with pins through his chest and that exact same expression on his face. He’s been following the ‘head since The Bends. At least now we know what the effects of long-term exposure to them are.

Barcelona skaters are the fucking worst. This dude is a DJ apparently. I’m sure his collection of Trojan CD box sets is second to none.

I know he looks like a commanding officer in Radiohead’s eco-army, but comb over bike boy here was just passing by. “It’s free, so I picked it up.” Not a fan then? “I don’t know who Radiohead are.”

“I’m a close friend of the band’s manager.”

Despite Radiohead’s best efforts to offset their carbon footprint and not harm any furry animals in the making of TUS (what about that title? Beyond parody, right?) they still managed to make this chugger for the Red Cross’s job impossible. “I was about to get a signature when the ‘papers arrived, and the guy just ran away. I get paid on commission, so it’s a bitch.” You heard Thom. Pay the lady what she’s owed.

For the record, copies of The Universal Sigh are already going at ‘Buy It Now’ prices of £100 on eBay. I’m going to hold onto mine for a couple of weeks to see if it goes up.

TEXT: BORJA CRIADO
PHOTOS: HELIO REGUERA