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Today in Advice You Didn’t Ask For, Michelle Duggar, American reality television star, devout Christian and the hardest working vagina in showbusiness, took to her blog to answer the question that’s on all of our minds: “Now that swimsuit season is here, how can I protect the world from the offending sight of my human body?”
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For the uninitiated, Michelle is the matriarch of the Duggar family, a brood of 19 (and counting!) very religious children whose names all start with the letter J. Their dad’s name is Jim-Bob, they live in a terrifying Jesus-complex on some kind of scary ranch and they dress a bit like pioneers. Obviously, they are home-schooled. Michelle’s favourite quote, as listed on the show’s website, reads: “Saying there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers!” MICHELLE. There are TOO MANY FLOWERS.
Apparently, the topic of modesty and swimsuits just casually came up at the dinner table one night, and Michelle simply had to share their insights. You know how it is. “Mum, pass the potatoes please. Also, how can I hide the body God gave me from others who will find it totally sexy and impure?” – you, every night at dinner. You are such a bummer. Michelle says that her family covers up “from our neck to below our knees, mainly because God talks about the thigh being uncovered, and how that’s nakedness and shame”.
The Duggars don’t usually go swimming or to the beach, because that is a prime space for “defrauding” people. While this makes it sound like the beach is the geographical equivalent of that email you got from an exiled Ethiopian prince, defrauding actually means “to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled”. The beach is one big tease, and as they say, Jesus hates Teasus.
Michelle says that, in general, the family doesn’t attend events where bathing suits are worn “because it’s just too hard for the guys to try to keep their eyes averted in those situations”. Once in a while, the family can head fully clothed to a “private creek or lake” (???) to pretend they know what life is like for regular people. Sure, it sounds like it would be incredibly uncomfortable and far too hot to be out at a “private creek” in clothing that covers you from your neck to your knees, but you know where it is really hot? Hell. Keen to avoid eternal fire, brimstone and monokini-ed Beelzebubs? Here are our top tips for a modest summer:
Hermit Chic
Thinking about leaving the house or living a normal life? Don’t! Stay home and await the sweet embrace of death and the fully-clothed heaven that awaits. Well, mostly fully-clothed. Mary’s robe is a bit low-cut for my tastes. CATHOLICS.
Follow Monica on Twitter: @monicaheisey
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