The Brit Awards happened last night, everyone got really drunk, and a bunch of forgettable people with really boring names won an award that resembled a pizza cutter from the future. Alex Turner put in an altruistic pitch for a Comment Is Free article, Harry Styles spent a lot of time in the toilet – probably because he had an itchy arse – and Pharrell performed the song “Happy”, a tune that is scientifically proven to do exactly what it says until your flatmate listens to it 56 times in one day. In between these limp spots of entertainment sat James Corden, the only TV presenter in the world who is able to make a Beyonce performance sound underwhelming.
Thankfully, it’s his last year presenting The Music Event of The Year and he’s fucking off back to somewhere, counting royalty cheques from his co-write of One Direction’s “Best Song Ever” and telling jokes that wouldn’t get any retweets. Apparently Nick Grimshaw wants to take over his position but does anyone really want that to happen? Here’s a bunch of people who we want to present the Brit Awards in 2015.
Videos by VICE
Danny Dyer
“Good evening London! Welcome to my fucking gaff” slobbers Danny Dyer, from behind the bar on a set done out like the Queen Vic. Danny’s glamorous assistants, Densie Van Outen and Sarah Harding, who starred with him in the worst film of all time, will join him in loads of pre-scripted capers where Danny threatens “to nut” Dappy, and Denise has to break the fight up with her womanly charms, if you know what we mean oi oi wink wink lads lads lads.
Sandra and Sandy from Gogglebox
Sitting on their sofa, drinking tropical juice out of a Pot Noodle, asking who everyone is, kissing their teeth at One Direction, shouting at each other, with their mouths full, cackling their way through all the performances. This has to happen.
Amazing Boy Bob
In all his drawn-on bearded glory.
Noel Gallagher
The funniest part of any Brits ceremony is Noel’s passing disparagement, so why not give him the parapet and let him lay into the whole thing? Imagine Mastercard trying to get him to say “this night will be full of priceless surprises”. Pricey suppositories more like.
James Reed From the Reed.co.uk Adverts
Everyday I wake up to the statement “Hi, I’m James Reed, and you’re procrastinating on the interwebs because you hate your job” which is a really unfair self assessment, maybe I just love watching videos on YouTube, leave me alone?! Though, the adverts are built upon the sort of Poundshop comedy that would make the Brits worth watching, so wouldn’t be totally mad if they ditched the Mastercard sponsor in favour of a company that continually invade my online presence despite no one having a clue what service they’re actually offering.
Any of the CBBC Presenters From Your Youth
While Fearne Cotton, Reggie James, and Jake Humphrey are busy injecting public service broadcasting with not-at-all forced smiles and excitement for bands like Bastille and Formula One cars, spare a thought for the lost soldiers. Dev from Smile, Dave Benson Phillips, Angelica, literally anyone will do. I’m not saying that they’d be brilliant but I’m feeling nice and wouldn’t wish a lifetime of DJ sets at East Anglican Student Unions to anyone.
David Bowie
Yeah, artistic integrity is great but would Bowie really have lost that much cred if he’d decided to remove himself from his hovel and give a thank-you speech to all his fans? In payback he should present next year’s awards, floating into the O2 Arena via the medium of string while “Starman” plays.
Kathy Griffin and A$AP Rocky
If you thought that the sexual tension between Nicole Scherzinger and Cesc Fabregas was sort of like watching your two PE teachers bump into each other in the corridor, then A$AP Rocky and Kathy Griffin would be like spending an entire evening third-wheeling with a couple who are definitely, 100%, going to ruin each other’s bodies as soon as the event finishes. Which is something that definitely happens at The Brits anyway, but would be better if it was in plain view the entire time.
Larry David
Nuff said.
Ryan and Sam both spent yesterday evening drinking gin and live-blogging the ceremony, follow them on Twitter: @RyanBassil @SamWolfson and read their live-blog here
Mere
fra VICE
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Photo: SCIEPRO / Getty Images -
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