HELP WANTED – TELEMARKETING METALHEADS

We called Cutloose and asked him about the job…

Vice: How do I make $1000 a week listening to Slayer?
Cutloose: We don’t listen to Slayer at work per se. But I thought I’d mention them because they are my favorite band. I’m a metalhead, and I’m friends with them. It’s just the kind of attitude that I have.

In your ad you also mention that you’re a cool boss. Would that give me carte blanche to tell you to go fuck yourself if you pissed me off?
It’s enough of a loose-going environment that I might ask you where the hell your attitude was coming from. I probably wouldn’t fire your ass, but if you told me to go fuck myself I might say something like “I’ve tried to, but every time I do I fall off the couch!”

What do you mean when you say you want to hire “people who aren’t normal society”?
You know who I’m talking about. The fucking robots. The masses. Masses are asses, that’s my viewpoint. Believe me, if you saw the people working here you’d know what I mean by “not normal society.”

Is there a dress code?
You wear whatever you want. I just tell my guys that they can’t wear dresses. That hasn’t happened yet, and it’ll never happen because they wouldn’t make it through the door.

Damn, you guys are wacky!
It’s a crazy atmosphere, but we have a lot of fun. And we make a shit-wack of money.

So, how much do you love metal?
I was born wearing one of those studded bracelets. I’m Mr. Hardcore. If you’ve been to many concerts, you’ve probably seen me. I’ve been to more concerts than people have hormones in their bodies.

Are the women in the office metalheads or “normal society”?
Even though they’re kind of normal, they’re kind of not.  They blend in because they got here, they saw what was going on, and they thought: “What a bunch of fucking nutjobs, but I like it here, and I see the money!” 

The ad also mentions that you enjoy “the finer things in life.” If I ever get as successful as you, what can I hope for?
I do pretty much anything I want to do. Taking vacations, being picked up at the airport in a limo, being able to go see Slayer if they’re playing in Halifax.

ALEX TYPICAL