Do You Like Our Intern's Alan Partridge Tattoo?

Kevin (left) and Josh. Fashion combatants.

Meet Kevin and Josh. They started interning for us last week. They're good guys, but they were starting to get on our nerves; creeping around the office on tiptoes sideways like a couple of scared mice, whispering at us for a "lunch pass" at 4.30PM, apologising for being the butts of all our jokes. What they needed was to realise what great people they really are. So we took them out into the street to see if some strangers could boost their self-esteem.

Laurence, young adult.

VICE: Hey Laurence. What do you think of Josh's general look?

Laurence: He'd just melt into a crowd. Although the tattoos bring it out a bit.

What do you think of Josh's music tattoo?

I wouldn't go for it. It's quite a big statement.

What statement do you think he's trying to make?

Not a very good one.

Do you think he has problems, like he's trying to hide behind his tattoos?

Look, I don't have a problem with it…

OK. What do you think of Josh's shoes?

They look old, I like his [points at Kevin] shoes.

What else about Kevin, do you like his hair?

It's alright, a good young person's haircut. The festival band is lame, though.

Yeah, I guess it is. So what do you like?

Just the shoes. And the hair.

Robert, fashion student.

VICE: Hey Robert. What do you think Kevin's doing looking like that?

Robert: I dunno, is he a graphic designer?

No, why do you say that?

His t-shirt looks kind of graphic-y. It's nice, it's something I'd wear. I like the moustache, too.

What kind of music do you think he likes?

I dunno, maybe Foals.

What about Josh? Look at that beard.

I don't know what that is. I have no opinion.

What sort of music do you think Josh likes?

Drum and bass.

Where do you think Josh would go for a night out?

Nowhere with those trainers. I'm not a fan of those at all.

What's wrong with them?

They're sportswear, not casual wear.

Does he look like he does sports?

No. Definitely not.

What about the tattoos on his neck?

The music one's a bit lame. I think tattoos are good, but not visible ones. What job are you gonna get with those?

What job do you think he couldn't get with those tattoos?

Stock broker or something.

Do you think he looks like a stock broker?

No.

Frank.

VICE: Hi Frank, what do you think about Josh's tattoos?

I've never had one. My opinion is: Why ruin a perfect body?

You think Josh has a perfect body?

Well… I'm just saying if you have one, don't ruin it.

Would you hire him?

I used to be in the army as a recruiter – he wouldn't have passed. I'm a great believer that if you dress smart, it shows you're willing to make the effort for something.

So, maybe Josh is a bit lazy then?

Maybe, it might be that.

George, Greenpeace employee.

VICE: Nice to meet you, George. What do you think of what Kevin's wearing?

George: It's alright… personally I think feet look too big with narrow trousers. But, other than that, he looks fine.

What about his other clothes? What about his belt?

[walks over and starts messing with Kevin's t-shirt] Let's have a look at the belt. Yeah, I would like that belt.

Can he have your belt, Kevin?

Kevin: No, I didn't agree to that.

George: I had a belt a bit like that recently, I lost it.

Kevin: He can't have it.

OK. Do you think Kevin's trying too hard?

George: No. I mean, if that's what he's doing, he'd blend right in. He's good Shoreditch fare.

What sort of music do you think Kevin might be into?

Electro-bandy stuff. You know the kind of thing. Like, jazz.

Err… OK. What one improvement would you make on his outfit?

I wouldn't wear the white socks with the black trousers if I'm honest.

Why's that?

When I was growing up as a member of the ruling class, it was a sign that you were lower class. It's horrible, but you know… It was black socks with white shoes, actually. Classist elitism, or something.

Is that the sort of background you're from?

I work for Greenpeace now.

Rochelle, bunking off work.

VICE: Hello Rochelle. What do you think of Josh's look?

Rochelle: It just looks like he got out of bed and threw anything on.

It does, doesn't it. 

The trainers don't match any of his outfit at all. It's just a bit odd. He looks comfortable, though.

He may be, but do you think it's uncomfortable for people to look at?

Probably, yeah.

What type of music do you think he likes?
I have no idea, the trainers don't help. I'm really distracted by the trainers. [To Josh] Do you like Ed Sheeran?

Josh: I don't know who that is.

Rochelle: Oh, OK.

What do you think he does for a job?

Ummm… he might work in a stock room. Behind the scenes somewhere. Not front of house, like a restaurant, or an office.

You have a bit of a tattoo, do you like tattoos?

I like them. The ones on his neck, I think that's cool.

What about this one?

What is it?

It's Alan Partridge dancing in his gimp pants with traffic cones strapped to his chest.

It's a bit OTT, isn't it?

Do you like anything else about Josh?

The hoodie is OK. Puma's cool.

It's actually Slazenger. What about Kevin here?

Well, I can see his fashion sense more. But his [looks at Josh], I can't at all.

Caitlin, works for a film magazine.

VICE: Hi Caitlin, nice to meet you. What do you think of what Kevin's wearing?

Caitlin: His shoes are a bit scruffy. But the whole outfit is at least coordinated, black and white. Although I don't like the t-shirt.

Is he trying too hard?

No. I don't think he's trying hard enough.

What about that stupid festival wristband?

Yeah, if it's an old one…

It is.

Yeah, it's just ridiculous. It's not that special if you go to a festival, everyone goes to them. It's so pretentious. Plus it's just dirty.

True. What do you think of Josh?

I don't know… I think he has quite small feet.

Josh: I don't, it's just the big trousers.

Caitlin: They look really small.

Josh: They're, like, men's size ten.

Caitlin: Really?

Kevin: That's small, bro.

Josh: [silence]

What else do you think about Josh's outfit?

I think he needs a bit of colour, like a bright scarf. I have a pink one actually [puts it on Josh]. I like the Puma hoodie, it's kind of old school.

It's actually Slazenger.

Slazenger? Isn't that like a tennis make or something… He just needed some colour, it's all grey and black, you know. He's a bit depressing to look at.

What about his tattoos?

I like it on the neck, but not on the face.

What about the on the other side, the music note?

Oh yeah! [laughs] Yeah, that's a bit gay!

Hahaha, yeah it is. Thanks Caitlin!

Shaun, hairdresser.

VICE: Hey Shaun, what do you think of Josh here's appearance?

Shaun: I think he needs to put more time into getting dressed. Definitely more colours, the colour scheme's not doing very much. He needs to get a new pair of creps.

What's wrong with his trainers?

I fucking hate them. Need a wash.

Is he perhaps making an anti-fashion statement wearing trainers like that?

Well he is, but I don't agree with the statement.

What about the hoodie?

Need's to get a better brand than Slazenger.

You're the first person who didn't think it was Puma.

Yeah, people are a bit stupid like that.

What about Josh's neck tattoos?

He's got a moose on his neck… it's a bit silly. It looks like something you'd get on the side of a beer can. I think you should get something a bit more meaningful than a moose, unless a moose is meaningful to you. Although I don't know why it would be.

What would you get if you were to get a tattoo?

Something better than a moose.

Josh: It's actually a deer.

Shaun: That's possibly worse.

You're a hairdresser. What do you think of Josh's hair?

[sighs] Well… I'd have to sort the sides out. Leave the top. Buzzcut the sides, fade it into the top.

Would you go for any colours?

Depends on him, really.

He's open to anything.

You could bleach the top if you wanted to.

Josh: I'd look like a fat Vanilla Ice. You're not a very good hairdresser.

Shaun: You're not a very good customer… and your hair's shit.

WORDS & PHOTOS: JOSHUA HADDOW, KEVIN CAMPS & JACK HAMMER