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The Issue that Suckkks

10 "Seminal" Bands

OK let's cut the bullshit. Nobody's heard Brian Eno before, The Talking Heads are crap, and, besides one album and one other song, Sonic Youth are unlistenable noise. Right?

OK let’s cut the bullshit. Nobody’s heard Brian Eno before, The Talking Heads are crap, and, besides one album and one other song, Sonic Youth are unlistenable noise. Right?

The Boredoms and Guitar Wolf look great, but who actually listens to them? They sound like Sid Vicious having a temper tantrum. They are what we call in the music business “shitty bands.” Or what about Daft Punk’s second album? Great for magazine covers (as XLR8R pointed out), but “One More Time” sounds like something you’d hear at Club Med for Kids. 808 State, Big Black, Swans … they look great on a T-shirt, but if that was the only CD you had to listen to on your next bus trip you’d go “aw, fuck!” and stare out the window thinking to yourself “fuuuuuck!”

Annoncering

Why doesn’t the music press talk about bands you actually like?

10 Bands You've Never Heard

If you don’t agree with this list, if you’re saying to yourself, “Aw that’s not cool. I love The Jesus Lizard,” just ask yourself, honestly, “When was the last time I actually listened to them?” That’s right. You never did.

10. Siouxsie and the Banshees
Early British punk was cool to look at but nobody listened to half of those bands. You know that song by Siouxsie and the Banshees? The one where she’s like, “weeraaaw eaaw”? Me neither. I never heard her before. Had her T-shirt when I was 14 but I never heard the ugly bitch. I heard The Damned do “New Rose” and they tore it up, but what else did they do? Nothing. Bauhaus were shitty too. All those bands were just a pile of talentless hairdressers with great PR and zippers on their pants.

9. The Beta Band

I love experimental European bands like Chicks on Speed and The Beta Band. Wait a minute, no I don’t. I’ve never even heard them before. The Beta Band is one of those bands that looks great next to your CD player but sounds like self-indulgent noise if you ever press play — which you don’t. You don’t give a shit about them.

8. Biz Markie

He’s cool because he’s ugly. He keeps it real. Holy human beatbox, that guy’s crazy good. Great to play as one song in a DJ set, but did you ever sit down to a Biz Markie album? No you didn’t, because you don’t have one. Don’t worry, nobody has a Biz Markie record. He sucks.

Annoncering

7. Venereal Warts

You knew it was going to be bad. The whole drunken, shitty lay you were like, “This is not smart. I really should be using a condom.” And now look at you. Off to the clinic every month to have your genitalia scorched with liquid nitrogen. Nice.

6. Fela Kuti

Very cool. African rebel. Weed-smoking revolutionary. Sexy guy. Can you bear to listen to it when you’re all alone? No. You tried it once but were embarrassed to have it coming out of your apartment door when your neighbors walked by. That’s because, no matter how cool the guy was, it’s still world beat and world beat music is mom music.

5. Slayer

Fucking great to get tattooed by. Great to play at a bar to show how badass you are. But try to name one song by them. You can blare them with your friends when you’re getting ready to go out but I’ll give you ten bucks if you ever put them on when you get back home. They are a T-shirt band. Like Motörhead. A band you want to be known to love but are secretly bored shitless by.

4. The Beatles

Without exception, every “Greatest Bands of All Time” ends with The Beatles. What about the part where they suck fucking shit? What about “Rocky Raccoon”? What about that “will you still love me, when I’m 65” song? That sounds like an ad for Almond Joy. John Lennon sucks too. He “Imagines” a world with no possessions and then dies with $275 million. They were the Coca-Cola of rock and roll bands and they can kiss my ass.

Annoncering

3. The Fall

Great band, right? “Mr. Pharmacist” is the jam, right? What about the other 99.9% of their songs? Have you ever heard that album they made up on the spot? The one where he goes, “I am curious orange, curious oh-rawnge”? What the fuck is that? Those guys suck. They’re one of those bands your big brother totes because nobody’s ever heard them before and they seem like some heavy shit. Like Brian Eno. Or Roxy Music. How gay are they? All these groundbreaking bands like The Residents or Throbbing Gristle or Captain Beefheart or Pere Ubu or Cabaret Voltaire are essentially nonexistent. Music critics always cite them as a huge influence but nobody’s ever heard them play a note. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them even have any albums. I’m not going to look into it, though. I checked out Gang of Four, Love, and Frank Zappa after hearing how influential they were and all I heard was a bunch of gay weirdos going “pajama people, pajama people.” Fuck that.

2. Sonic Youth

When a girl is into some weird indie hardcore band like The Jesus Lizard or Slint her boyfriends’ buddies start using words like “wife material.” Too bad all those bands are as boring as talking about cats. Sonic Youth are the worst. Goo is fun and that song “Teenage Riot” is nice, but the rest is fucking crap. When was the last time you decided to put Evol on while you cleaned your room?

1. The Talking Heads

The Talking Homos, more like. They are the worst. Why the fuck are a bunch of art students with funny suits mentioned in every single “history of punk” article? Just because they played a local dive called CBGB’s? Ooooh “psycho killer, qu-est que ce?” I’m so scared. What are you going to kill me with, Mr. Oversized Guitar? Pretentiousness? Come to think of it, a lot of those supposedly really important New York punk bands were crap. Patti Smith was a self-obsessed folk singer, The Ramones are Bill Haley, Television are unlistenable after the first five seconds of their best album, and Richard Hell only had “The Kid With the Replaceable Head.” The rest of his shit sounds like that “Doug and Mary Whiner” skit from Saturday Night Live.