We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness and your inevitable failure.
Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I'm a 25-year-old single woman and I don't know how to flirt. I don't know when people are flirting with me and sometimes guys think I'm being mean when really, I think I'm flirting. Any tips?
Hot Dog Welcomes You to His Flirt Yurt
Flirting for guys is easier than flirting for women. Almost any conversation from a man to a single woman will be construed as flirting, unless you’re talking about Star Trek or home brewing (but most women don’t consider those “conversations” anyway). The main thing to remember is that flirting is fun! And as they say in that David Mamet play about competitive flirting, “Always be winking!” Winks let a lady know that you’re “fun” and “creepy.” But don’t do more than three winks in a row! (You want to keep your flirting “light,” not mistakenly signal “I’m having a stroke.”) Here are a few more ways to help turn your flirt up from “hand wash” to “permanent press”:
- Women love animals and Ryan Gosling – turn yourself into a super flirt by dressing up as a dog who doesn’t say much.
- Practice makes perfect! Look yourself in the mirror and say, “God made flirts and flirts don’t squirt!” then slap yourself across the face. Do this 100 times before going to bed every night.
- Ladies love a man of danger! Show her a picture of the bacon cupcakes you made – because everyone seems to think that shit is crazy.
But breaking the ice is sometimes difficult. What can you say that will drill down through levels of alcohol-induced indifference? Here are some surefire lines to let the ladies know that your name is Don, and they just got their Flirt Don:
- “Can I buy you a drink? Or are you an alcoholic? And if you’re an alcoholic are you one of those alkies who replaced alcohol with sex? Or did you replace it with Jesus? Am I asking too many questions? Where are you going? Should I follow you?”
- “Is your father a thief? No? Well then what the fuck does your father do?!”
- “You look a little overweight. And by that I mean you’re over waiting for me to talk to you! HAHAHA, OK I’ll be in the coat closet!”
Lady Bun Helps You Wink at his Dink
In the animal world, flirting is as easy as sniffing a crotch or lifting your tail to reveal a butthole. Unfortunately, indecency laws (not applicable in New Jersey) prevent us humans from following the same timesaving courting cues that cats and dogs get to enjoy. However, there are ways for women to give off a “scent” that lets men know they’re interested, and I’m not talking about the special monthly one that attracts bears and makes Republicans angry. The scent I’m referring to doesn’t even smell like anything (unless “desperation” has notes of vanilla that I’m not aware of). For a woman, flirting is all in the “eyes”, or as men call them, “tits.” That’s why the key to getting a guy is to look like you’re waiting to be approached; sort of like those day-old muffins that are put out on coffee shop counters! My point is, be that free, day-old muffin people can’t resist! Here are some ways to get to him bite:
- Men love approval. Next time you’re at a bar, try clapping every time he goes to the bathroom! This tells him that you’re easily impressed by anything his privates do!
- Constantly spill Bailey’s on yourself! This is a great way to casually enter the phrase, “I Irish creamed my jeans!” over and over in a seemingly boring conversation.
- Twirl your hair! But make sure you alternate sides because you could easily end up twirling it into a giant dread lock and inadvertently attracting a fan or, worse yet, a member of Rusted Root.
Now that you’ve given off the physical signs of flirting, and probably consumed enough alcohol, it’s time to move on to some verbal cues. Just make sure you keep it light, like your lipstick or articles in USA Today.
- “I’m like a super sad AT&T plan – free nights and weekends.” (Start crying.)
- “I’d love for you to show me around town sometime. I’ll be the tourist and you’ll be the double decker bus that I’m embarrassed to be seen on.”
- “You’re different from most of the guys I meet…I guess I just mean Asian-American.”
Previously - Together Too Long
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