Old Age Pensioners Keep Screwing on Cruises and It’s Creating a Herpes Outbreak

You think being old is all: 'Oh damn, guess I'm really racist now,' or: 'Uh oh, just snapped my thighbone like a breadstick,' but guess what, it isn't: being old is a first-class ticket to Fuck City.

Believe it. The Health Protection Agency (HPA) has recently issued warnings to any over-fifties who are planning to go on a cruise because they keep getting genital warts so much. Yeah! And you thought cruises were just making tanned boys with lithe hands massage oil into your veiny old legs and spending £300 on a nice shawl at a market in Barbados. They aren't: it's toothless blowjobs and Werther's-flavoured cunnilingus. Welcome to Fuck City. Population: your nan.

"Remember alcohol can lower you inhibitions, potentially putting you at risk of sexually transmitted infections," the ​Public Health England travel guide says in what – no joke – is called the "silver sailors" fact sheet. "If there is a chance you might have casual sex, be prepared: take in-date, good quality condoms with you."

None of this "I took this condom to the battle of the Somme and it stopped a bullet from hitting me in the heart" shit, Grandad! We're talking in-date, son! Name brand!

If you're thinking, like, 'Wait, my grandma doesn't have sex. She's old and dry as a bone. Plus, she puts biscuits on my saucer without washing her hands first' – well you're wrong; think again. According to the HPA, the rate of common STIs like HPV, herpes and gonorrhea are all on the rise in the over-65s age group and, even though the rate is pretty low and stable, they're still getting quite a lot of syphilis, too. Grandma's getting it, and she's getting it raw.

HPA data also shows why Old Age Pensioners are at risk of developing STIs – first, men over the age of 65 are twice as likely to have herpes than women of the same age; and secondly, more people in their fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties are having sex with new partners in the last ten years than ever before. People are living longer, buying dick pills for cheaper, and they are figuring out how to use those large-font dating sites. Olde tyme sex is rife.

Cruises aren't the only place OAPs are having sex – that's just their version of those Ibiza boat parties where people do competitive oral on each other for shots. They're also doing it in care homes, where, in the US at least, ​free screenings for STIs has been on the rise. 2.2 million free tests and counselling sessions have been doled out to the 47.6 million eligible Medicare beneficiaries in the US in 2011–2012. With Viagra and lube flying about the place, care homes are basically just Freshers' Week-style fuck parties, with the exact same amount of Countdown being played.

But STIs are a danger, especially as, like, old people are already pretty weak sometimes. If a sharp fall on some ice is enough to put them out of action for a six months, imagine what gonorrhea is doing to their dicks. With the 45-to-64 and 65-and-over age groups seeing the second highest and highest rise in syphilis over the last ten years of available data, the HPA has gone so far as to launch a retro, "Hey, remember flares? Well try remembering a condom, too"–style STI awareness campaign.

It's not like OAPs are the only ones who need a bit of sex ed: in the UK, ​young people desperately need same-sex education and awareness; in Africa, there is a new campaign to promote condom usage after the boom in popularity of "​dry sex"; and seeing as it's the future and sex is changing, we could all do with a recap as to the ​various robots and sex apparatus we can put on our collective junk to get us off. Basically: if you haven't read a pamphlet or two in the last ten years, maybe give it a try.

Anyway, if you're struggling to buy anything for your grandma this Christmas, pro-tip: one of those boxes of condoms with little lube sachets in it is really easy to wrap.

​@joelgolby

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