Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Together Too Long

We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Dear Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
My girlfriend and I have been together for years, and I still love her a lot but our relationship has become really boring and monotonous. We're more like roommates than boyfriend and girlfriend. What can I do make things interesting again?

Tied down,
Nice Guy

Hot Dog Commits to Helping You

I’m sorry to hear you’re in a monotonous and boring relationship.  But feel better – it’s more common than you think! A recent study showed that 125% of Americans are in boring relationships. However, that study also showed that 90% of Americans were named “Ray,” so we’re not sure how much to trust it. Nevertheless, in the same way that our universe will eventually suffer heat death from entropy, every relationship eventually becomes a little boring. But remember boredom is what made the ancient Mayans begin building pyramids (but also begin sacrificing humans, so watch out). The answer to this problem is easy: Just like I turn mayonnaise and black pepper into a meal, you have to be a modern-day alchemist and turn boredom into excitement. Here’s some great ways to get your relationship out of the slow lane and into the sex-it lane:

• Being unpredictable is the best way to liven up a relationship. Why not change your legal name to Squirtman Coolbird. Nobody will expect that!
• Try “spicing things up” in the bedroom by stuffing some oregano in your condom! Now that’s a spicy meatball penis!
• A lot of couples include food in their lovemaking to keep things interesting. Take it one step further: Start a food blog and post photos of things you’ve eaten off her butt!

But boredom in a relationship doesn’t just come from being routine in the bedroom. You also need to throw some variety into every day life. Here are a few lines you can use that are guaranteed to surprise:

• (Dressed up as the Planters Mr. Peanut): “THIS IS A HOME INVASION!”
• “I just felt like being spontaneous today, so I waxed the floor in butter. Who knew you had such breakable hips!?”
• “I’ve hired a clown to watch us make love. His name is Pickles. But I call him Homeless Man That I Put Clown Makeup On.”

Lady Bun Is With You For The Long Haul

For a lot of women, long-term relationships can be like watching Ken Burns documentaries on PBS – really boring and you inadvertently learn something about baseball. That’s why the key to a successful long-term relationship is to know how to be bored. See, boredom is tolerable if you accept it’s a part of life, which is the thing I say to explain Jennifer Love Hewitt’s career to people. But it’s also helpful to make lemonade out of those lemons that you spoon and fart on nightly. You have to make the day-to-day seem exciting by making the most of out the “dick” in predictable. The following tips might help you add some spice to the otherwise plain “emotion burrito” you’re wrapped up in.

·      Paying bills together can really be a drag. Try not paying them and pretending that bill collectors are sexy suitors competing with him for your affection/credit card number!

·      Coming home to the same thing every day can put a damper on your sex life.  Why not make him wear a “Tapout” shirt and pretend he’s a high school dropout who followed you home from a GNC?

·      Spice it up by starting a weird argument with him that he can’t win! Remember to be very accusatory and then point to your cat and say, “Who the fuck is she?!”

But as that other boring asshole, Mark Twain, once said, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Knowing each other well means you’re likely to start losing respect for what you have (like your parents!). That’s when you really need to take stock and vocalise how much you appreciate him for keeping you from having to be single.

·      “I could never let go of what we have ‘cause I’m already six months along and it’s illegal.”

·      “Our love is timeless, recognisable and strong, like Madonna’s vagina.”

·      “I got a Chester Cheetah tattoo in college, so you know I can commit to lame shit forever.”

Previously: How to Stay a Virgin

Got problems? You sure do! But if you have any dating questions email us at hotdogandtheladybun@gmail.com

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