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Question Of The Day

You're Going to Prison, What Are You Most Worried About?

Apart from all the free time you'll have.

Welcome to Question of the Day. You're going down, you dirty crim'.

Prison is a scary place, the TV tells us. But how scared is the average person on the street about it, and by what? I would be most scared that Gordon Ramsay would come in and try to make me work in his nightmare prison-kitchen where he does yelling and tells everyone that he has also had a very hard life because his brother is a drug addict. This is, obviously, not a great thing to be scared of, so I busted out on to the streets of London to find some better answers. What’s the scariest part about being sent to prison? VICE: You’ve been ordered to spend time in prison. What are you most scared of?
Lee, 39: Biting a man’s cock off. You wouldn’t be willing to give someone a BJ for moonshine or whatever? (I’m not 100 percent sure how prison works.)
I wear PJs, I don’t do BJs. What would you get sent down for?
Assault. Again. I was accused of that before, and I almost went down for it, but it wasn’t my fault. I was innocent, the CCTV footage showed that. So, despite the cock-biting bravado, you’re not a violent person.
Nah, I’m Jesus. Kim, 27: Being mutilated in the shower. Mutilated how?
Anally. What would you get sent to prison for?
Tax fraud. Nicola, 25: Missing my daughter. Selcuk, 51: The hardest part would probably be accepting all the male advances. What would your prison nickname be?
The Guru. Kinue, 38 (left) and Miki, 22. Kinue: No sweets!
Miki: No freedom. Rugged cowboy mural, ageless: I fear nothing. Left to right: Jamie, 21, Tom, 22, and William, 21. VICE: They're gonna lock you up, like a "rat in a cage". What scares you most about prison?
Jamie: Showers.
William: Solitude.
Tom: Being around all those horrible people. What would you do on your own for 20 hours out of the day?
Tom: Masturbate.
Jamie: Come on, Tom. Get a degree, make something of yourself. I have a friend who turned his life around, learned how to cook and now he’s a chef in a great London restaurant. If you’re not an internal fuck up, you can make the most out of it. Previously - Would You Rather Be Deaf or Blind?