Welcome to Question of the Day. You're going down, you dirty crim'.
Prison is a scary place, the TV tells us. But how scared is the average person on the street about it, and by what? I would be most scared that Gordon Ramsay would come in and try to make me work in his nightmare prison-kitchen where he does yelling and tells everyone that he has also had a very hard life because his brother is a drug addict. This is, obviously, not a great thing to be scared of, so I busted out on to the streets of London to find some better answers. What’s the scariest part about being sent to prison?
VICE: You’ve been ordered to spend time in prison. What are you most scared of?
Lee, 39: Biting a man’s cock off.
You wouldn’t be willing to give someone a BJ for moonshine or whatever? (I’m not 100 percent sure how prison works.)
I wear PJs, I don’t do BJs.
What would you get sent down for?
Assault. Again. I was accused of that before, and I almost went down for it, but it wasn’t my fault. I was innocent, the CCTV footage showed that.
So, despite the cock-biting bravado, you’re not a violent person.
Nah, I’m Jesus.
Kim, 27: Being mutilated in the shower.
Mutilated how?
Anally.
What would you get sent to prison for?
Tax fraud.
Nicola, 25: Missing my daughter.
Selcuk, 51: The hardest part would probably be accepting all the male advances.
What would your prison nickname be?
The Guru.
Kinue, 38 (left) and Miki, 22.
Kinue: No sweets!
Miki: No freedom.
Rugged cowboy mural, ageless: I fear nothing.
Left to right: Jamie, 21, Tom, 22, and William, 21.
VICE: They're gonna lock you up, like a "rat in a cage". What scares you most about prison?
Jamie: Showers.
William: Solitude.
Tom: Being around all those horrible people.
What would you do on your own for 20 hours out of the day?
Tom: Masturbate.
Jamie: Come on, Tom. Get a degree, make something of yourself. I have a friend who turned his life around, learned how to cook and now he’s a chef in a great London restaurant. If you’re not an internal fuck up, you can make the most out of it.
Previously - Would You Rather Be Deaf or Blind?