
Annoncering

Mostly, you will be provided with a state-sanctioned cover story that you have died. A government doctor will be found to sign the death certificate – "short illness", "merciful release", "AIDS complications", etc, etc. Feel free to attend the funeral in disguise. It is important that you yourself reach "closure", too, but resist the urge to correct any factual errors in friends’ eulogies about stupid things you did involving BB-guns and stray dogs. Normally you’ll be stationed miles away, but if you somehow bump into anyone from your old life again, the general etiquette is just to tell them you’re definitely dead and they’re definitely having a slightly tragic breakdown, which they'll need to sort out with months of intensive therapy.
Annoncering
You’ll have to pull the back-story together yourself, I’m afraid. The Met doles out the names of dead children, the rest of it is up to you. But the moment at which you were "turned on" to your chosen cause is obviously going to be a key signifier within your journey: endlessly relayed and re-hashed as the moment of your re-birth. Thus, it needs to be both original and plausible. See the RADICALISATION STORIES section for further guidance.What’s the etiquette for being a policeman on deep cover duties, vis-a-vis maintaining a romantic life? What sensitivities should be obeyed and which might be overridden? Basically, what I’m trying to say is: Can I have sex any more?
Well, that's down to your fellow activists. Why not just ask them? I’m sure they’re riding on all kinds of free love freeways. They’re probably kinky as hell, too – subversives always are. They're into the sorts of things you only ever see in those confiscated magazines from Moldova that our sergeant hides behind the fridge – strap-ons, inverted penises, all of that.What should I call the child I have with an activist?
For Black Panther-types, what about Martin Luther? Or maybe just "X"? It could lead to bullying at school, true, but that needs to be balanced against the pop career potential.For environmental groups, what about Daisy? Or Holly? Or Ivy? Or, if it’s a boy, Rock.
Annoncering
From as far away as possible, to be blunt.In terms of what you say, it’s often good to try to create some distance between oneself and the events in question. To, as far as possible, try to remind your newly un-beloved that she has been giving her heart to a non-existent anti-person, thus has no existing claim over you. Try the following:“Darling, you know you keep saying we should talk more? Well, it depends who to. You see, nominally, you would say you need to talk to James Palmer. But James Palmer is actually the name of a child who died in the early 80s. I’m Phil McFerrin. Constable Phil McFerrin. So why don’t you go and tell all your James Palmer problems to that mirror over there? The net effect, I think you’ll find, is the same. Oh, by the way… just before he evaporated into an existential vacuum for the last time, James Palmer told me to tell you he loves you and that you can keep the saucepans, the iPod dock, the Mr Coffee and the kids. But he’s bequeathing Phil McFerrin the Xbox. And the dog.”
Mark Kennedy, the undercover officer who slept with loads of activists while embedded in their group, explaining his actions to Jon Snow.
Annoncering
There comes a time in every undercover policeman’s life where he goes so deep into cover that he forgets who he used to be. This is to be expected. After all, there ought to be a level of Stanislavskian immersion at the heart of your craft. Don’t forget: Al Pacino claims he went blind during points of filming Scent of a Woman. That’s the level you should be aiming for. Though, should you plunge off the deep end, the Met will identify the problem and you will be debriefed regularly by a staff liaison officer who will show you pictures of your former self and, if necessary, read lengthy extracts from your teenage diaries to you.When should I report back?
However airtight it will make your evidence, it’s important to quit the mission and report back to your superiors well before a major incident, not after it. For instance, if you are so brilliantly embedded that your group blows up the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing site and you then jump out of the cloisters, proudly shouting: “Hahaha! Caught you red-handed! Saw the whole thing – you’ll swing for this!” it’s probably too late and you should have called it in earlier.RADICALISATION STORIES"I became radicalised to the cause of animal rights when I looked down at the pig I was slaughtering and realised that it had the same amount to offer the world as you or I. I’m happy to say I was only halfway through – I hadn’t yet breached the jugular vein. So, after some stitching and an IV line, the pig enjoyed a long and productive life, authoring six books and a couple of novellas."
Annoncering
Undercover police doing a terrible job of being undercover.AVOIDING SUSPICIONBeing a copper amongst the natural enemies of coppers is never going to be easy. With that in mind, it will be necessary to avoid various dead giveaways.Avoid dancing: Policemen have a very unique style of dancing. This will be apparent to any protester from years of watching the TV news the day after the Notting Hill Carnival. Don’t get caught in that trap.
Annoncering
Basically, Marxism is kind of like sharing for cunts.How global warming works
Basically, it’s the reason it always rains on bank holidays and the only way to stop it is to use shit halogen lightbulbs instead of the good ones that used to work.
Annoncering
Basically, imagine Islam. Now imagine lots of Muslims really baring their teeth and looking fierce, but you can’t nick ‘em 'cos of diversity training or summink.How neo-Nazism works
Basically, you know what we all talk about down the station locker rooms? That.DEFENDING YOURSELFWorst-case scenario: you start talking a bit too graphically about what you’d like to do to "that Trevor Phillips". The suspicions turn into concerns, which turn into insurrection, and there may well come a point when you need to defend yourself against the group until you can get out. Avoid confrontation if possible, but if not, figure out what kind of protester you’re dealing with. Pacifists are generally pretty easy to overpower. Just pistol whip them till they can’t stand up unaided, then bound them up with cable ties and horsewhip them with a length of electrical flex until the threat is "neutralised".Vegans will also be weak as piss from all that aubergine they eat. Islamic fundamentalists less so. Probably best just to throw in a grenade and slam the door, tbh (but you didn’t hear that from me!). As ever: “He was coming straight for me,” is the watchword.If you need any further training in any of this, the Met has released a helpful instructional video called The Ian Tomlinson Self-Defence Course: The Art of the Push.*if you're part of a Dunstable-based environmentalist group and you're reading this, don't worry: as far as VICE knows, one of your activist pals isn't relaying details of everything you do to a smirking, whiskey-breathed Jack Regan type back at Scotland Yard. However, if you yourself are a mole in a Dunstable-based environmentalist group, and you're reading this, I'd probably make like the polar ice caps and leave before both of your personalities wash up on the banks of the Colne.Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynesMore stuff about spying on people:Surveillance Culture Is Not a Two-Way Street Yes, the NSA Can Spy on Every US Citizen Rajeev Basu Makes Evil Surveillance Drones Look Pretty Per Englund Likes Spying on People in Their Cars
