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The Hangover News

This weekend, the serial cucumber masturbator struck again.

af Mac Hackett
09 juni 2014, 5:00am

Conspiracy Theorists
MH370 FAMILIES ARE RAISING MONEY TO 'ENTICE' A WHISTLEBLOWER
They fear there's been a government cover-up


US sailors helping in the search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 (Photo via)

(via)

Several families of MH370 passengers have begun raising a $5 million reward for anyone who can help to uncover what happened to the plane three months ago.

Ethan Hunt, who's heading up the "Reward MH370" campaign, said, "We are convinced that, somewhere, someone knows something, and we hope this reward will entice him or her to come forward.” 

Sarah Bajc – the partner of American passenger Philip Wood – added, “Governments and agencies have given it their best shot but have failed to turn up a single shred of evidence, either because of a faulty approach or due to intentional misdirection by one or more individuals."

It is believed that the Malaysia Airlines jet crashed in the southern Indian Ocean, but an extensive search hasn't turned up any wreckage – a result that's only furthered the various conspiracy theories put forward by Infowars subscribers and mainstream media outlets alike. 
 

Terrible Humans
TEXAN REPUBLICANS HAVE VOTED FOR A GAY CONVERSION POLICY
Good news, homophobes!

(via)

The Texas Republican Party has endorsed a "reparative therapy" for gays – AKA psychological treatments that supposedly turn gay people straight – under a new policy statement that is to be given final approval at the party's annual conference this Saturday.

Even better news is that the regressive anti-gay policy was pushed through without debate as roughly 7,000 delegates ratified the party platform at a conference in Fort Worth.

Of course, not all Republicans are idiots; Rudy Oeftering, vice president of the gay conservative group Metroplex Republicans, said: "There's a very, very small group of people who want to keep the party in the past. We were here today to try to pull the party into the future. The only way the party can go into the future is to start listening to young people, to start listening to people who have gay family members."

Unfortunately, Oeftering's group never got the chance to speak at the Fort Worth meeting.

Reparative therapy has been condemned by The American Psychological Association and other major health organisations, and California and New Jersey have banned the treatment for minors.
 

Questionable Parenting
PARENTS WERE ARRESTED FOR LETTING THEIR SON BECOME OBESE
They blamed their 11-year-old's weight on genetics

(via)

A Norfolk couple were arrested on child cruelty charges, and later bailed, after allowing their 11-year-old son's weight to balloon to 15-stone.

The parents admitted that they called their child "Wee Chubby", but insist his size is because of genetics rather than his diet.

The boy's 20-stone father said: "My son’s always been big. He was born with shovels for hands and spades for feet. Everyone on my side of the family is big."

His mother, who describes herself as "chubby", said, "His weight isn’t that much of a big deal… it’s genetics – you can be genetically fat," but added that the family were now doing their best to help him lose weight.

The parents have agreed to a letter of intent over the boy’s welfare and, if they don't stick to the terms, legal proceedings will be started to take him into care.
 

Internet Outrage
TWITTER LOST ITS SHIT OVER 'ANTI-HOMELESS SPIKES'
After someone posted a photo of what looks like a rough sleeper deterrent


(Photos by Andrew Horton)

(via)

A Twitter user posted a photo of what look like anti-homeless spikes installed outside a building, and the internet got really angry.

Andrew Horton, who took the picture outside a block of privately-owned flats in Southwark, told The Telegraph: "I can't say for certain, but it certainly looked like they were placed there to deter homeless people. It's dreadful.”

Soon after, Twitter erupted with outrage, with users posting messages like "Because spikes are the solution to homelessness, right? Nice work #not", before logging out and donating some money to Shelter.

A spokesperson for Southwark Council said it hadn't installed the studs, adding that, in fact, it had never used spikes to deter homeless people from sleeping outside buildings.
 

Tossed Salad
A SERIAL CUCUMBER MASTURBATOR STRUCK AGAIN
And was finally brought to justice for his crimes


(Photo via)

(via)

A judge has handed a Canadian man a suspended sentence and 12 months probation for masturbating in a library while holding a cucumber.

This most recent bout – at the end of May – wasn't Fredrick Tennyson Davis' first time wanking while grasping a salad item; he was seen doing the exact same thing in the same library in April of this year. 

Police Constable Andy Pattenden revealed that Mr Davis was also charged with a similar act back in June of 2012 at a different library.

When asked whether Davis posed a threat to any library staff, another constable replied: "I don’t think he had any free hands to make a threat."

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