The worst and best thing to happen to all of us was Twitter. Yes, there is unprecedented access to the minds and foibles of the rich and famous but you can also get your personal shit legitimately hacked, which is what’s happened to an alarming number of very high-profile people over the last week or so.
First was Katy Perry, surreally dropping n-bombs and Chicago drill shoutouts like an alternate-universe Miley Cyrus. Then, the Tenacious D account tweeted the tragic, extremely fake news of Jack Black’s untimely death. Kylie, Tame Impala, Bon Iver, and even Keith Richards followed, and today social media overlord and rapper Drake had his turn. No one really knows why all of these incidents happened so close together, although some speculate a recent data leak of LinkedIn accounts may have something to do with it. Regardless if this is organized or not, it’s frustrating, not because of online privacy issues and whatnot but because how the fuck do you blow an opportunity like this.
Drake’s hacker, who goes by the handle @2aiden3, was logged the fuck in. They had the entire dashboard of one of the most desired, thirsted-over, speculated-about, idolized people on the planet right in front of them. Imagine the DM correspondences lying in that inbox, ripe for the plucking. We could have gotten confirmation on Drake’s fling with Serena, some deep bro talks with PartyNextDoor, we could have found out if Drake thought Views sucked as much as the rest of us. @2aiden3–let’s call them Aiden–had stumbled upon the goddamn Panama Papers of music. And what did Aiden do? They advertised their Twitter...and their Snapchat.
You let us down, Aiden. You were the Chosen One. The one who would bring balance to Gossip Twitter. Instead you pushed your own brand, and you got Azealia Banks-ed for it. Godspeed, you narcissistic sonuvabitch.
Aiden’s story is a fable for our times. Why is it that when hackers gain access to these very private accounts, it’s seemingly just to gain some followers? Why go through all that effort in the first place? Does our generation care about social media presence that much? Most of the recent celebrity hacks feature the would-be Zero Cools fitting their @’s somewhere amidst the shitposting, which would make them the most ballsy publicity stunts for average people ever. This could be the vanity of millennials that Boomers and Gen X’ers keep warning us about rearing its head. We are hardwired to follows, likes and RTs as the pinnacle of existence instead of getting a thrill out of performing sick 1337 haxxor moves like generations past once did. And that is sad. If the first thing coming to a young hacker’s head is “imagine the followers I’m gonna get from this,” as opposed to “max(-min(abs(abs(p.x)-5.)-.5,abs(mod(p.y,1.)-.5)-.1),min(min(p.y+1.+step(mod(abs (p.x*p.x*(sin(p.z*.2)*.5+1.)),.5)-.25,0.)*.05,max(abs(p.y-2.3+abs(p.x)*.5+(mod(ab s(p.z),.2)-.1)*.2)-.2,abs(mod(p.z,3.)-1.5)-.5)),max(abs(abs(p.x)-3.-smoothstep(.0 ,1.5,p.y)+step(mod(p.z,2.),1.)*.1)-.5,abs(p.y)-(1.+step(mod(p.z,2.)-1.,0.)*5.)))) ;” then the future of hacking as a culture and a cherished pastime is boned.
lmaooooo phil witmer hacked noisey follow @philwitmer
* Special thanks and many blessings to Devang Desai.